I hate myself today

I guess there are some things good about me today. But today i cleaned my room really really well, like under the bed and everything. I found A TON of old school projects and just things ive made.

I used to be so creative! I used to put so much work into my school work. I used to think so creatively and didnt put any walls on my creativity. I used to make the most amazing things. I used to be funny, i used to always smile and be SO positive, SO optimistic. I used to be ALL of that. Now, I'm a grumpy old man in a 17 year olds body.

The worst part is, back then I used to work so hard in school and be positive and i always did horrible in school because i worked so hard but in the wrong way. I never read the assignment well and as a result, i made something really good but it wasnt what the asignment asked. I got horrible grades and I actually thought these grades were important. I thought i was stupid and dumb. My sisters were always so much smarter than me, 90 average students.

But now I realise that past me was the smart one and present me is the stupid one. I am so grumpy. I am so sarcastic. I am so pessamistic. I just suck today. I miss my old self so much. Why did the school system have to kill my creativity. I want to be like that again.

I realised i am only horrible and grumpy and sarcastic and pessemistic towards people. Anything that doesnt involve people, i am extremely optimistic about. Even my future, my life, job, house, everything, i am very optimisitic. But when it comes to people, like whether my kids will like me or if ill get a wife or any situation at all involving people, i am so incredibly pessamistic.

I dont know whats wrong with me today. Sometime some way back, i must have just believed everyone telling me im stupid, the school, my peers, my family, my friends. I must have believed it and begun hating myself and then turned into this creature i am today in order to protect myself.

I hate who i am today because i have to emotion. Well, i know i have emotione, but what i mean is: like even at funerals for very close family, i cannot cry, i dont even feel sad at all, it doesnt even concern me at all. it takes me a month later to fully kind of believe they are gone and then i only feel a little sad, but thats it. I remember 10 years ago, my fish was dieing and i couldnt stop crying. Do i care about a fish more than family? I havent cried in 3 years. I am just a selfish careless sociopath.

And this whole post is just a rant of negativity. Some times i just get in bad moods where i can only see the negative. So ill try to be mature about this and wait till tommorow and then i wont see things the same way maybe. Maybe its not as bad as i think, so ill just get drunk tonight and reconsider it tommorow.

hahaha... its quite pain in the *** when it happen like that . Sorry i lough at you. actually i was a teenage boy like you last time. but now i am somebody at this time.( not count as rich man lah okay) hehe.. but i get job and live like i want.

anyway things doesn't come immediately. its take time. before successful person become success there is alot of failure that he face before he become what he want . it same to you. you must learn slowly and face everything along the way. don't use a judge from your sister. everybody have there own weakness and strongest ability.
so knowing your self properly. after you know your own strength/potential an the end you will be somebody. Believe your self. trust your self. You can do anything that you best of. So, do your self. give your self a try. One day if you trust this. you will be somebody that no one can copy you. Stop blaming your self. its not end of the world. Create new one. ok rawpasta. alright.

saw_q