NEED to be understood

youlleatamuffin · Feb 09, 2014, 10:24 AM

Does anyone else have a deep manifest need to be really understood for who they are as a person?

None of my friends, although they care for me, can truly relate to my experience and it depresses the hell out of me. Anyone else have this?

catsrhelm · Feb 09, 2014, 10:35 AM

I know I get it. I often feel like no one understands me.

youlleatamuffin · Feb 09, 2014, 10:38 AM

It's so isolating, isn't it? When you're trying and doing everything you can to cope, but you don't even have that basic level of common ground from people to help you feel normal and supported.

beauflow · Feb 09, 2014, 10:38 AM

It's a lonely feeling.

Accepting two things has helped me, but maybe not everyone
1. Others may never really truly understand but yet how would or could they? They are not me, haven't been what I've been through. Some may relate but truly understand maybe not. Accepting that is Ok
2. Understanding myself more and understanding some things I don't understand fully (my sister and I had similar abuse but we feel different ) and saying that's Ok (go back to 1, we are our own individuals).

It may feel lonely but others may feel lonely on some of their own issues.

Being my own friend sometimes does wonders too.

I've went through struggles of needing others to understand, its some what triggering for me too.. But I can not make another understand and perhaps they just are unable to truly understand due to they aren't me.... But that doesn't mean that they cease to care.. As you note in your post.

Feb 09, 2014, 03:56 PM

I NEED to be heard. If they don't understand me and they care to they can at least tell me so. I feel completely discarded when they don't take time to hear me. It's definitely related to how I was raised.

I was in a t group where most of them wouldn't hear me no matter what including the t. Man I had a bad dream last night where the t called me up and tried to convince me I was wrong about all this stuff. (My regular t doesn't think I was always wrong. Everybody is wrong sometimes). I was all stress about having the will to hang up the phone. I think I was transferring from another recent experience. It's probably relevant how unprofessional that is. Ok 'nother topic

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

eternaldamnation · Feb 09, 2014, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youlleatamuffin

Does anyone else have a deep manifest need to be really understood for who they are as a person?

None of my friends, although they care for me, can truly relate to my experience and it depresses the hell out of me. Anyone else have this?

i think of it like this:

the self needs to be actualized by another person's recognition of them. it isn't something we can do for ourselves. that "know thyself" thing can only go so far. there has to be somebody else who knows who you are. if nobody else knows you, your authentic self, it is sort of like not existing at all. and i think sometimes even the self can't know until somebody else validates and confirms us. realization. actualization. that's justice. it's justice because the only thing that ever feels right is actualization of authentic self. without that, everything feels wrong. even if we learn to cope with that sort of discontent, we still keep needing that actualization.

ya, i've rambled. i hope you understand what i'm saying. or i hope i haven't made it confusing.

youlleatamuffin · Feb 10, 2014, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beauflow

It's a lonely feeling.

Accepting two things has helped me, but maybe not everyone
1. Others may never really truly understand but yet how would or could they? They are not me, haven't been what I've been through. Some may relate but truly understand maybe not. Accepting that is Ok
2. Understanding myself more and understanding some things I don't understand fully (my sister and I had similar abuse but we feel different ) and saying that's Ok (go back to 1, we are our own individuals).

It may feel lonely but others may feel lonely on some of their own issues.

Being my own friend sometimes does wonders too.

I've went through struggles of needing others to understand, its some what triggering for me too.. But I can not make another understand and perhaps they just are unable to truly understand due to they aren't me.... But that doesn't mean that they cease to care.. As you note in your post.

Yes, I think there is a lot of wisdom in this. I think, realising these things can help keep us sane when we feel as though we're screaming on the inside and nobody knows why.

Just lately though, I have been longing for someone truly on my wavelength you know? Perhaps they do not have the precise same experience as myself (who could have?), but they are at a similar stage in their recovery...and they are on my wavelength. Sometimes you just need that.

youlleatamuffin · Feb 10, 2014, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michanne

I NEED to be heard. If they don't understand me and they care to they can at least tell me so. I feel completely discarded when they don't take time to hear me. It's definitely related to how I was raised.

I was in a t group where most of them wouldn't hear me no matter what including the t. Man I had a bad dream last night where the t called me up and tried to convince me I was wrong about all this stuff. (My regular t doesn't think I was always wrong. Everybody is wrong sometimes). I was all stress about having the will to hang up the phone. I think I was transferring from another recent experience. It's probably relevant how unprofessional that is. Ok 'nother topic

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I can relate. I think a lot of my deeper need to be understood by friends, stems from the fact that my family absolutely do not.

Feb 10, 2014, 07:55 AM

I understand u and am sure many people do on here, muffs xxx your never alone ☺️

agtha123456 · Feb 12, 2014, 03:11 AM

Try to communicate with family members or friends, I believe they can understand you.

Feb 12, 2014, 06:20 PM

Ooooh yes. Take my word for it, you are not alone. It depresses the hell out of me, too. Anytime I try to talk about what's going on with me as far as my medical situation goes, my "friends" just sort of skip over it and go on to talk about everything good in their lives. It makes me so mad. I'm thinking of ending a friendship with a girl who has showed that she really doesn't care.

Feb 12, 2014, 06:33 PM

He's tried that I think.... But that's why most people end up here.. Cos sometimes they don't 'get it' enough.. Xxx

Feb 12, 2014, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GhostofLavender

Ooooh yes. Take my word for it, you are not alone. It depresses the hell out of me, too. Anytime I try to talk about what's going on with me as far as my medical situation goes, my "friends" just sort of skip over it and go on to talk about everything good in their lives. It makes me so mad. I'm thinking of ending a friendship with a girl who has showed that she really doesn't care.

I was same last week and had a tantrum 😔xxx I feel ignored when am on about problems n then they go on bout their new hairdo or their fantastic new fella .... Grr

healingme4me · Feb 12, 2014, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youlleatamuffin

Does anyone else have a deep manifest need to be really understood for who they are as a person?

None of my friends, although they care for me, can truly relate to my experience and it depresses the hell out of me. Anyone else have this?

It's actually listed as a valid/true 'need' by marriage counselors.

niceguy · Feb 12, 2014, 07:14 PM

At least you know who you are, i am still dealing with that question, daily.

Feb 12, 2014, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

I was same last week and had a tantrum 😔xxx I feel ignored when am on about problems n then they go on bout their new hairdo or their fantastic new fella .... Grr

Yes, exactly! I swear, it's almost always the new boyfriend that they start talking about. How did they think that made me feel when I had just gone through hell? People don't even try to empathize, I tell you!

Hellion · Feb 12, 2014, 08:56 PM

Not exactly, I feel more of a need for acceptence....but then I don't even understand myself half the time.

youlleatamuffin · Feb 18, 2014, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eternaldamnation

i think of it like this:

the self needs to be actualized by another person's recognition of them. it isn't something we can do for ourselves. that "know thyself" thing can only go so far. there has to be somebody else who knows who you are. if nobody else knows you, your authentic self, it is sort of like not existing at all. and i think sometimes even the self can't know until somebody else validates and confirms us. realization. actualization. that's justice. it's justice because the only thing that ever feels right is actualization of authentic self. without that, everything feels wrong. even if we learn to cope with that sort of discontent, we still keep needing that actualization.

ya, i've rambled. i hope you understand what i'm saying. or i hope i haven't made it confusing.

That's completely it. I lost that recently...and it messed me up in a profound way for a long time. Then I let her go & with time & space came to realise, I never even actually *had* that- that true, deeper understanding of self from her.

dwiederh1 · Feb 18, 2014, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youlleatamuffin

Does anyone else have a deep manifest need to be really understood for who they are as a person?

None of my friends, although they care for me, can truly relate to my experience and it depresses the hell out of me. Anyone else have this?

Yes, I seem to be the person that all my friends go to with their problems, although their is not much reciprocation if I have a problem. I often feel I have the big "M" for mental illness pasted on my back or forehead. Family treats me differently too.

youlleatamuffin · Feb 18, 2014, 08:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GhostofLavender

Ooooh yes. Take my word for it, you are not alone. It depresses the hell out of me, too. Anytime I try to talk about what's going on with me as far as my medical situation goes, my "friends" just sort of skip over it and go on to talk about everything good in their lives. It makes me so mad. I'm thinking of ending a friendship with a girl who has showed that she really doesn't care.

I know exactly what you are saying. It's like, they hear the words you say but they aren't *listening*. I've had this experience too, when I've just told a friend something pretty huge and they just 'move on' to the next topic/themselves...you just feel like saying: I don't think you quite realise the weight of what I've just told you.

It's painful, but not everyone is like that