[January]

I have been growing restless, wanting to do more with my life. Before I became physically ill, I had such high hopes and dreams. The panic attacks, ocd and depression started as a small child. I developed IBS and ulcerative colitis when I was 18 and the panic attacks came back and it changed my world. Over the years I struggled to finish college and hold a place in the working world. I had to be self sufficient and I had to pay my own way. I did manage that before my body and my "nerves" wouldn't and couldn't be pushed any further.

Lately I've been wondering if I could manage to go back and get another degree or maybe even my Doctorate and teach or do something vital with my life. I feel as if I have never achieved my potential.

I asked one of my irl friends who is a very logical person about working. She said I'm not healthy enough to work again. I asked one of my irl friends who is a dreamer and she told me the same thing. So, today I asked my counselor, whom I trust completely.

We considered the options, looked at all the pros and cons, and she, too confirmed what my friends said... I can't do it. My body won't cooperate. When my body doesn't cooperate, my mental health problems get worse.

Right now I'm having some major health issues. My stress levels are off the charts. I had panic attacks all day today and I didn't have the luxury of coming home. I had to be out and about from early morning until 6:30 p.m.

The only thing I know to do is write. I can sit and write. I'm frustrated. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry at life. Yet, I know I am no one special in that I am just a person and bad things happen to people sometimes.

I ran into a person last night with whom I attended Jr High, High School and college. There he stood in his expensive business suit and there I stood in a blouse, baggy jeans and tennis shoes, looking the total opposite of how I did when I worked. He asked me where I'm working now. I told him I am disabled. I didn't mention the mental health part but I told him about the colitis. He looked at me and said, "If you don't have your health, you have nothing. I know it has to be hard."

We were never friends. We just were in classes together. He didn't look down on me last night. I was ... I can't even find a word for how I felt... validated, maybe, by his understanding.

I've cried a lot today. Too many things are happening to me and to those I love. I stood in the mall today and tears streamed down my face and I could not stop them...

Jan

[(JD)]

(((January))))

I know. I'm sorry I know.

I recently (this week) also pushed the same question to my T.

Of course I can't work. For some reason I began to think that my time here of a little bit of support would prove I could update my edu and reenter the work force. What was I thinking?

It isn't something that you cry about and then never revisit, or at least it hasn't been for me. I hope your T can get you through to the other side of this, finding purpose and worth as a person without holding a paid position. I'm not there myself, though.

[bebop]

maybe going to school part time would help the mental part of it. don't try to do it all at one time though. I am a firm believer if at all possible try it at least, then there is no question of what if's. do what you feel you can do and do it for yourself whether or not you can ever re-enter the work force. I too am contemplating doing this myself. I have to for me. much love to you Jan

[nothemama8]

never underestamate (sp) yourself, January you have abilities such as writting, your compassion here is awesome, have you thought of writting short stories for Woman's Day or a magazine?
Love
Angie

[SeptemberMorn]

Something is going around. I, too, feel like there is no purpose to my life, like I never reached my potential, like there has to be more than this. Everything makes me either uncomfortable, irritated or discontented.

It's my firm belief that everything happens for a reason. We are where we're supposed to be. There's a purpose for us right where we are. It's just a matter of figuring out what our pupose is in a place that doesn't seem to have rhyme or reason.

Anybody got any ideas?

[LMo]

((( all of you )))

I believe in each of you. I care, and whatever I can do to support your dreams, I'm here for that

[sabby]

Hugssssssss to all of you!

That feeling of no control over your lives to achieve your dreams must be so frustrating and hurtful. I'm sorry you are feeling that.

May I offer a suggestion? I went through a time when I sort of felt the same way a few years back. Maybe it was more of a midlife crisis issue after some health problems arose. I felt I hadn't done what I wanted in my life and needed to do more. Physically, I was unable to do too much, but, I decided to look into some volunteer positions within my community and found TONS of them.

Many volunteer situations are just a few hours a week or month. They range from doing computer work, to stuffing envelopes, to driving folks to appointments. The ideas are endless really.

What I got out of volunteering was a wonderful sense of appreciation, self worth, a warm heart and I was able to network and meet new people and find new opportunities for myself over the years.

I don't know if any of you are in a position of volunteering, but it may be worth a looksee. I wish you all well and that you can find some peace with yourselves.

Hugssssssssss
Jean

[Wants2Fly]

Hello -- I am about to shatter your dreams about teaching being the ideal career for someone who is ill but not completely incapacitated. I was a newspaper reporter and editor for 19 years (the "I can write" talent), before fibromyalgia/arthritis set into the neck and shoulders, making it torture to sit a computer all day.

I got my Ph.D. and became a professor. Within a few years, my digestion was shot as well. I lost my job -- and I am now "overqualified" and "too long out of the business" for newspaper. There is constant, very picky evaluation in education. K-12 teachers around here have their jobs on the line if students don't reach benchmark goals. In higher ed, there is constant politicking for who gets what -- which can be as little as a 2 percent raise.

If you want to go to college because you are hungry for knowledge, love to read and study, and crave the intellectual stimulation, or even if you have a goal, go to college. Even if you think your health is not good enough to permit you to reach the goal, try a little anyway. You won't know until you try. People achieve marvelous things, even when other people say they can't.

There are many rewards in teaching, and I keep a blog so that I always keep them firmly in the front of my mind. But I loved newspaper, and I never had to remind myself that I loved it, because it was a passion. I am glad I have my education, because it made me a bigger person, less prejudiced, more understanding, and eventually, more compassionate, as I work with students who try so hard but don't really have what it takes.

I think it's great that you are thinking about what you want. Best wishes clarifying your thoughts so that you can go after whatever you decide on with your whole heart.

[lenjan]

((((((((((Jan)))))))))) I don't have anything useful to contribute to this one -- hope hugs help.

Candy

[Perna]

I go to the University of Maryland University College and it is online very "correctly" accredited and award-winning. My professors are often in other states or parts of the world! http://www.umuc.edu/faculty/employment/emp_home.html More and more colleges have online positions and there's online tutoring, etc. http://www.tutor.com/ I don't see any reason you couldn't aspire to get your doctorate and teach online. Even if it proves to be not possible in the future, I think it's a fine goal to persue as long as you can? I'm getting too "old" but I'm working on a related goal anyway, because I want to. Why not; what else are you doing instead?

[complic8d]

((((January))))
I can understand this fully. I have been on disability for about a year, not working for 18 months. I had a profession and made good money. Lately I have been thinking about going back to work, but I know it was work that contributed to my breakdowns. Somedays I think I could do it, and then I wonder if I can realistically. I still have a lot to do in therapy, and have physical problems also. Right now I'm looking at what it would take to get back into my profession, but actually going to interviews and learning a new place of work scares me to death. I just don't know... so I know where you are coming from.
Just want you to know I understand. HUGS!

[Boopers]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((January))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I guess the ones of us who aren't able to work, all of us know how you feel.

It was one of the hardest parts for me to except when I became disabled because I actually loved my job and loved working.

I hope things will get brighter for you,
Linda

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((January))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry that all I can suggest is that you listen to all parts of yourself and not try and create something that is not there. If you decide that you want to do some more maybe take it in baby steps? You will know what is best for you. Please take care and listen closely.

[January]

((((((((((((((((( Friends ))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you each and every one. I have read and reread each of your replies. I appreciate every word and every hug. I am going to have to listen to myself very carefully.

Many hugs to all,

Jan

hang in there jan

[January]

Thanks, Mellors.

[Rapunzel]

(((((Jan))))))

I'd love to chat with you sometime about this, if you would like to. I can relate too. I feel like I haven't reached my potential, and even though I'm in school and have been working, I'm still afraid that I never will. You do have a talent for writing, so maybe you could do something with that.

TC,
Rap

you got anything planned out yet b?

[January]

((((((( Rap ))))))))

Thanks so much. I think it's awesome that you've gone back to school and are working, too. How cool is that?

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

Mellors, my mind keeps telling me to go for it, but my heart tells me that I am not well enough to work or even attend school. My father taught me that going to school and doing and being nothing but the best at it is what counts. I was allowed one B a term, any more than that and heaven help me.

I think I am still hearing his voice and feeling the guilt of not fulfilling his wish to live through his daughter. Even though he's been dead for years, he still lives. It's amazing what horror a person long gone can still perpetuate.

If I got a job, I would have to make no less than $60,000/yr to make up my medicine and health bills. Even that probably wouldn't be enough. That just doesn't happen where I live.

My first priority is my health right now. I'm having some real problems and I must see that they are treated. Then I have to get myself back in shape. I've gained weight from sitting around in a brace for almost a whole year. I have got to lose it or the health ramifications are going to be horrible. Diabetes, congestive heart disease, heart attacks and strokes are rampant in my family. I'm used to being the thin one and all at once I'm over weight.

I think writing is all I can realistically do. Even if I'm never published, at least I will have tried.

Thanks for asking. You made me take time to stop and really think. It helped.

Jan

cut all the negative and think "this is what i can do" and work from there, try your hand at writing, you know you can do this, so what you might not become famous, but think of it this way you have had your say, if only a handfull of people read it and agree, your story is out there, and any victory no matter how small, is still a victory.

[EJ711]

January,

I heard an author say recently that when he was speaking to a group about his writing, that somebody said to him, "I could have written that." He replied, "Yes, but you didn't. I did."

You won't know if you can write unless you try.

Hugs,

EJ

[nothemama8]

still say try the Woman's Day also Readers Digest, ( I think I can, I think I can) toot, toot you can do it
Love ya
Angie

b, knock em dead, knuckle down, say what you see and go for it, i will proof read for you, sod the bits that you thinkk are going to hurt someone, they have hurt you, thats enough to get your point accross, just put it all down and we can work from there

[January]

(((((((( EJ & Angie ))))))))))

Thank you. You are right. I won't know if I don't try.

Hugs,

Jan