[withit]

12-year-old son has become increasingly more aggressive at home, has been biting and beating up his younger sis. He is getting bigger and too heavy for me to physically remove him to time-out. I am at wits' end with him, don't know how to make him stop his violent behavior.
I have had a talk with him, that sooner or later his actions may cause someone severe or permanent injury, and that we have to find a way to stop this behavior now before someone ends up being seriously injured or dead. I said next time he does anything I may just call 911 and have him arrested for assaulting his sis.
I think this may be a good wake-up call for him.
Just want to hear from others who may have taken such a step in the past, is it a good idea or not?
thanks!
P.S. We live in the state of NY.

[onlymedid]

Do it! I was a very abusive kid. I got arrested and sent to juvenile hall at 15 years old and never hit anyone ever again. I was scared out of my whits and learned a really valuable lesson at the same time.

[kimmydawn]

You're in such a hard position. I feel for you so much.

You have to protect the other children from your own. It's so hard.

Please call his school and seek help from the counselor there and she might be able to help you to get the ball rolling for some intervention.

Please keep us updated.

You're all in my thoughts.

KD

[withit]

The school he is in does not have a counselor. He used to see a therapist in private practice and since she has terminated him he has become out of control. I have been looking for a new therapist but so far have not come up with anyone good. I wonder if calling the cops on him would be a good wake-up call for him. Because even if he does start with a new therapist soon, it will take time for us to see results. In the meantime, he needs to get the message that BEATING UP HIS YOUNGER SIS IS DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED!

[nothemama8]

please do this before he actually hurts someone outside your family, once that happens you have no control in his treatment

angie is right.....take steps, yourself, first before he gets removed from your home and put into a state facility. if he hurts someone, outside the family, you will find yourself in an endless maze of courts, paperwork, etc.....besides the fact that he hurt another person......call the police. they are generally very good about this kind of issue......good luck, pat

[withit]

Someone has advised me that police do not get involved in parenting issues, and that if I continue to ask for their intervention they may remove my child from my custody.
Anyone had such an experience, or am I being misinformed?

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((( withit )))))))))))

I'm not sure about the police situation. From my understanding, if an older child has abused another child and a parent calls, the police can get involved.

Asking for help from outside services (i.e. school counselor, mental health professional, etc.) doesn't mandate them removing your child. They want to help the child remain in the home.

On the other hand, they will have a focus of concern on the other child(ren) that he's possibly abusing.

They will have concerns. However, they will work with you on those concerns. If you're worried about the school counselors, can you contact a private therapist?

The bottom line is that it sounds like your son needs help if he's being violent (and those defenseless around him as well).

I would seek help for him and the entire family ASAP.

KD

[onlymedid]

Well, I can tell you what happened to me from my experience. I was shipped out to group homes when I was 12 because i was uncontrollable. My brother and sister stayed at the home because they were not the problem. I had anger issues, but mine stemmed from physical and sexual abuse.
I was in group homes until I was 18 years old. I learned, while in them, that it was not ok to hit people, steal, lie or be disrespectful.
I am not saying that your son will have the same experience, but I have to say that now I am thankful my parents did what they had to do. At the time I was very angry and felt like they did not want me, but I know now that was not the case. They sent me away to get help because they couldn't do it on their own. I still got to go home for visits so I didn't miss out on too much.
I graduated from High School and have been a productive member of society since then.
I think you should try counseling first. I mean, it didn't work for me in the beginning, but he is a different person and may get something out of it.

Good Luck,
BJ

to clarify a bit upon calling the police. most towns empower their officers to give information to the complainant that will help them find help. even if the child is removed from the home it is rarely ever permanent unless nothing else helps. i've worked in the system and have seen how a respite can help a family re-group and re-energize by having the child removed for a short while. and as the last post reported, there are times when the removal would be for the best.

best of luck, xoxox pat

I was advised to call police by my sons therapist. The end result was that after a few of these calls the DHS caseworker decided to remove my son back into foster care and put him through residential treatment programs. My son will never again be able to live here at home again due to this states foster care rules that any case open for more than a year parental rights are revoked and child is adopted out of the family. Due to the fact that he is in care because of his own violence parental rights have not been terminated but the state has custody to do with him what they want until he turns 18.

You don't want to lose your son then don't take the foster care and police route.

I have friends in new york and I know that new york has some great residential treatment programs that deal with aggressive and violence of ADHD, Schizophrenia and so on in children.

You can locate them by calling your local mental health agencies and getting your child into therapy and then discuss the residential treatment options with that therapist.

By doing it this way your child will be able to earn passes home for over nighters, weekends and work towards coming home again.

[nothemama8]

what state are you in ?

[onlymedid]

I don't know what state you are in, but in California they really tried to reunite me with my family. It was MY choice when I was 16 not to go home. They would have family counseling sessions and on my visits I would have a therapist at home that would help. I don't know how it is with other states.

from Withit's post at the beginning of this thread -

"P.S. We live in the state of NY."

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
myself said:
from Withit's post at the beginning of this thread -

"P.S. We live in the state of NY."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Oh, well then I guess you would know better than I about the laws there.
I wonder if a type of military school might help? I have heard that those can work wonders. Teaches discipline and respect!?
Just thinkin'

[wanttoheal]

I'm not in NY, but I did not find the police to be very helpful here. At your son's age, there are a lot of wilderness/therapy type camps that he might benefit from. The boys I know around here who went to military camp seemed to just learn how to do things better...

My only advice is to really research everything, talk to everyone and anyone. Knowledge is what will help you here. He needs therapy in my opinion, not a lock up place where older children with more experience in doing things will teach him how to do it better or some place where he feels completely alone with no support.

Just make sure wherever he goes, he will get therapy that includes compassion and understanding. Sounds like he has some stuff going on in his head. At age 12, I do not believe he wants to just be "bad" for the sake of being bad.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

[1Dar]

I would try callng the therapist he was seeing and explain the situation, s/he might start seeing him agian of have some sugestions for you.

Dar

[LadyDragus]

each state is differnt in the way they handle "domestic violence" I woould check with your local Family services office also, they may have ways to help.. LIke Kimmydawn said check around before doing anythign that might make him go away permemantly..

I know where I live in MO... they wll try to work with the parents first to get the child hlep, like half day thearpy and go home, or stay there overnight.

It is so hard to raise a child that is abusive, just keep your wits in check.. and above all, protect both of hte kids, not just one.. if he hits her do what ever you think is needed...

[Peanuts]

I am sorry you are faced with such decisions. I'm not sure why the therapst would have terminated - it sounds like your son was not in any condition to have therapy/intervention terminated !!

I would not wait for "the next time" or for when someone may become physically injured - I would get him into an out patient or residential treatment program ASAP. Twelve years old is too old to be acting like that. If someone gets injured - then he will be in loads of trouble.. plus someone innocent will be injured/tramatized.

Your daughter is probably needing some attention as well - it can't be good for her to be treated this way by her brother. Perhaps whatever treatment facility you can get with can also provide some help for her as well.

I'm not from NY and have no idea if police in your area would be helpful in getting your son in treatment or not. I don't think your son needs to be given a scare by police to snap out of whatever he is going through - it sounds like he needs help. Jails are not usually places for help - they are places to keep those who are dangerous away from the rest of us. But I'm thinking you probably want more than that for your son - you want him to be someplace where he can get help and everyone can stay safe.

Can you call the therapst he was working with and ask for a referal ?? Can you contact your pediatrician and/or family doctor and get a referal. Not sure if you are under private insurance, but usually insurance requires a pre-authorization and probably has preferred treatment facilities. Call and get your son in treatment as soon as you can.

best of luck -
peanuts

Peanuts post said just about what I thought to say.

I hope things turn for the better for you and your son.. and your daughter too. In the mean time, we are all here to help support you.

mandy

[withit]

Thank you all for your generous support, as usual!
I posted cuz I wanted to get a feel from folks out there, and I got the 'feel'...
I also emailed to the NYPD and they advised me not to report my son. They made other good suggestions.
In the meantime, I wrote to his previous therapist and she responded to my letter. She maintains that she has valid reasons for terminating him but that my letter has moved her and she is willing to take a chance on seeing him again. I am elated! Ecstatic! Overjoyed! Relieved! Hopeful! I hope she gets her just reward for this huge act of kindness.

Just wanted to update you all! Thanks again!

[Peanuts]

That is fabulous news. Hope things get better for you and your son .. and your daughter !

[JustAPixie]

That is really great news!!!!

[LadyDragus]

yes it is great news.. I hope she does help you ..

good for you for perservering!!!!! you deserve credit along with the T!