Basically this all started around early December of this year. My girlfriend came to Canada to visit me for the first time. We are in a long distance relationship and she lives in Australia. We first met online and at the time I was going through a depressive period in my life unsure of my choice for College, upset that I didn't have any close friends, scared to talk to people for a fear of being rejected. So when we started officially dating, I fell hard for her and I was filled with a joy for life again. Even though I still had a year to go with College, I started meeting friends and even enjoyed my time there. I worked part-time at a retail store and didn't even mind going in every day. It's like I really had a drive and love for life in all aspects even the small things like enjoying nature. And I was accepting of everyone (even those I felt were rude to me) and understanding.

When she came to visit me I was overjoyed and meeting her for the first time was amazing. But then it's almost as if reality started to hit me hard. I always had this in the back of my head but I sort of put it off see my parents are the type of parents that judge HARSHLY and over react especially in cases like this. Meaning if she was a different race, skin colour, too overweight etc. there would be a problem. I still live with my parents I'm 22 years old now so facing them in this was inevitable. And of course the first time I brought her home and my father saw her he said extremely rude things about her weight and looks (in Bosnian so she didn't understand but I did). It hurt me so much I cried later on that day... the following day after that was a huge mess both my father and mother went off on me yelling, screaming, crying it even got so bad to the point that they were calling me names, saying I was stupid, blind. My mom cried day and night. I didn't want to hurt her anymore so I almost broke up with her that day because I knew that my parents would never change. I felt so hurt, defeated and by the end of the day I couldn't take the pain anymore and I went and got her flowers and we made up and I explained to her the situation.

A couple days later, my mom does a 180 and says she "just wants me to be happy". The thing is, the initial response already messed me up so much mentally I couldn't. I was on the verge of breaking down each time I went out I had to almost sneak out, there were always comments about her weight... and I felt threatened. When I was physically with her though I was happy but away from her I got into a major depression again nearly crying every day. The relationship from there was up and down and I was unable to fully commit due to fear. When my parents and sister again saw how unhappy I was they concluded it wasn't working and did ANOTHER 180 and turned against it again. Name calling began again, insults towards me and her, accusations and through all this I was torn apart and pushed down so far my self confidence and self esteem went into the gutter.

Now she has been back home a month, we still talk we are still together however I have major anxiety towards socializing because of this, I am just depressed on a daily basis and I'm getting to the point where I'm breaking down even physically I've lost weight and I feel weak. To top that all off I still live her with everyone and every time I do ignore my dad goes "well what did we ever do to you?" when he FULLY knows what he did. I've fought, I've argued which I never did before for anything and their opinion won't change I know that.

At this point they have said "just do what you want". But I'm just damaged so much mentally I can't even begin to improve my own life let alone the relationship too. My self esteem is literally down the drain I'm just... lost. It's like everything I once knew and loved I'm starting to doubt now hell I'm even having a hard time with sympathy and love towards others. I'm always on the defence. I know no one can tell me what to do I don't know what I expect with this post I'm just so frustrated.

[shabur]

I hate to say this, but your family sounds superficial, to judge her when they haven't taken the time to get to know her. I am so sorry for you that you are caught in the middle.

I think you need the help of a therapist to work through these emotions and what you want to do. You will see others' responses, but none of us can really guide you appropriately. There are dynamics that you need to deal with.

You have to decide if you are going to allow your family to control your life when it comes to relationships. I find it amazing that you are able to look within a person and see the good while you have probably only seen your parents superficiality. Kudos to you!!!

When we rely on others' opinions for anything we are being codependent. Codependency is a relationship where a person is controlled or manipulated by another's needs or thoughts. It involves placing a lower priority on your own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. It's typically characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.

As I mentioned earlier, you need a therapist to work through these issues.

I wish you all the love and happiness your life deserves.

[yumi]

You need to choose to love who you want to love. Otherwise, you won't be happy in the long run.
Its OK to stand up to your parents. You're grown and are capable of following your own heart.
Times have changed. This is the year 2014 , not 1014, know what I mean? People are more and more accepting of each other these days.... I don't think your parents got that memo.

Don't feel guilty about loving who you love. This is YOUR life, nobody else's.

Thanks guys. I'm seriously trying so hard not to dwell on it but it's all taken over my mind just replaying that questioning everything. I just want to move forward and be happy again like I once was. Everything is starting to seem so bleak and boring :/ I just don't have that motivation or drive for life anymore. Maybe I'm just exhausted...

[marmaduke]

Sorry if I'm outta order here, but you need to get away from that critical toxic family of yours they are controlling your life.
They are not nice.

[shabur]

Dan, that loss of motivation and other feelings you have described sounds like it could be depression. It may not be chronic. It sounds like it might be an acute, one time episode brought on by this situation, but as I said in my earlier post, I think you need the help of a mental health professional to work all this out.

I agree with the others, you need to look at moving into your own place. You will never be happy with your family lauding their beliefs on you.

But it's a lot to deal with. I am sure you love your family...they are your family. But you need to lead the life you want for yourself. How do you balance that? How do you tell your family, with conviction, what you want and while you love them, they need to accept you and the choices you make for your life and that includes the person you want to be with. They raised you and must now trust you are capable of making the right decisions for yourself.

If you take your family out of the equation, how do you really feel, deep down? I hope you feel love for your friend and the life you were experiencing before all this happened.

Please look for help with a mental health professional. Does your school have counseling services? If you are unable to get help from a therapist on your own, are there community services available to you. Also, as I mentioned in my earlier post you have a difficult dynamic you need to work out. I am sure you love your family, but how do you live the life you want without needing their acceptance and still having them be a part of your life? That's a lot.

I wish you luck.