[tessa]

Dear Community,
Sending good wishes for the new year. May we continually activate our goals, demystify our fears, anxieties and perceived limitations, and stretch ourselves to new horizons in 2007.

I have moved recently to a new country, new career, new relationship (after a long distance romance since 2001) . A has been gambling on VLT's after promising that he would gamble no more. (I have just fully realized how deeply pervasive this behavior is in A's life).

A is blowing large wads of cash and saying that it is my fault as he is stressed out. A has been visiting a bar after work frequently that we have never been to together.

A is emotionally abusive when or if we ever discuss this area and or becomes emotionally withdrawn. A is quite often over imbibing. I never told my friends and family what is going on...

We just came back from a vacation together to visit my family. A was able to keep it together then, although he has shut down since we have returned and he is gambling. A brings up little snippets of things I have said in a very angry and accusatory manner, without telling me how he is feeling about much of anything.

A lost his mother last month. His mother died unexpectantly and he was estranged from her. I have not been feeling like I can comfort him as he barely talks about her.

...I finally talked to one of my sisters, I told A that I did and he says that I humiliated him. None of his family and friends seem to know about pervasive his gambling compulsion is...so to talk to my sister and say things outloud made it real.

I feel alone, somewhat crazy, anxious and paralyzed to move forward through faulty thinking. I feel like I am sinking and I am supposed to be going to my friend's birthday party this evening with A and he is sleeping. I cannot get myself motivated to go alone and feel more guilty and anxious.

Thank you for listening. Writing this down is helping me feel more courageous.

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((Tessa))))))))))))))))

[sparkling]

Hello Tessa, welcome to PC. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. There is no point in forcing yourself to do something you don't feel like doing. If you don't want to go just stay home, relax. And don't feel guilty, everyone has ups and downs, we are all just humans. Call your friend and tell her/him that you're not feeling well, I'm sure she/he understands.
Take care, I hope to see you around here

sparkling

[tessa]

dear wants2fly,
thank you for your cyber hug, I feel less alone. I appreciate your kindness.
tessa

[tessa]

dear sparkling,
thank you for your message. I like your user name! One of my nicknames used to be "sparkle sister" and your name and message helps me to illuminate my vision beyond what I am feeling and experiencing right now.

It is also helpful to hear that it is ok not to push right now. I am committed to wanting to feel much better, less confused and trapped. And part of this process is to allow myself to feel (even though it is very uncomfortable) what I am experiencing without 'windowdressing'
thank you.
tessa

[purplemoon]

(((((((((Tessa))))))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can so relate. My husband (we are currently separated) was/is a gambler, drinker, and all those things. It is so hard and draining. Gambling is an addition and it is not caused by you stressing him out. My husband used to wake me up at all hours of the night for all kinds of reasons, wanted to shop, needed something to eat, wanted to talk, if I didn't get up and humor him then he had no choice but to gamble. He couldn't have possibly gone in the kitchen and made a sandwhich instead of gambling now could he??? It is a hard situation. I will keep you in my prayers.

[tessa]

Dear purple moon
I am sorry to hear that you have experienced similiar behavior with your husband. How and what steps did you take ....It must have been very hard to take and move forward like you did. Are you doing better now?

I appreciate your validation, it is very confusing. I know that I cannot help A, and emotionally, I know it is not my fault. I am left feeling like I am moving in slow mo...without a clear direction or plan.

I feel overwhelmed, and I do not have an infrastructure in place as all my friends here aside from A are work related.

I am trying to move from anger, betrayal, shame (that I made such a bad decision), and grieving for the loss of my best friend. The stonewalling, blaming form of communication is draining and sets me in spin cycle so I have not moved forward. I want to move forward from this "victim, martyr" thinking that I am inundating myself with now.

Thank you for your words and prayers, purplemoon, I will keep you close in mine.
tessa

[JustAPixie]

Hey Tessa,
I can't imagine what you are going through... it's so unfair that so many times innocent people have to pay for others mistakes. Addicts don't realise what they are doing to the ones close to them and that you might get even more hurt than him...

Have you spoken to a therapist about it? It might be a good idea to get an outsie opinion and someone who can give you advice on how to actively help him. It definately has to stop... you can;t live your life with an addict, it just gets worse and worse if they ignore the problem.

I wish you well in the New Year...