Good is good...but not always...

Having a discussion the other day with someone in Chat, i was reminded of a time when being me, being good got me hurt, badly...

about 2 years ago i had a friend who was being badly bullied in school (2 years ago i was 17, nearly 18, she was about 16) and i had just started full time work. we met through a mutual friend who knew how supportive and helpful i was, so he put me in touch with her. we got talking and became good friends, we knew eachother for about 8 months in total, and all this time she used to tell me (over MSN, we never met in person) how unhappy she was because of this harsh bullying she had in school. they used to beat her, everything. i tried helping her by advising she speak to the school, which she did and they didnt help. so one day i decided to contact the school. i emailed the headmaster and told him about her, lets call her Sammi, and i explained to him that she felt suicidal because of this bullying, which was the truth. this all was happenign at a time when a kid had just killed themselves through bullying and it was all over the news, it happened in adifferent schol, different area of the country, but it was a big issue at the time. when i explained the situation to the headmaster, he said he would sort it out, and asked who i was. i explained how i knew Sammi, and that i had been bullied before, so i knew how bad it was, i said that i was the one that had to help her everyday, to advise her not to kill herself, to pick her up everyday. gave me a lot of practice that did! well he said "ok, leave it to me" and so i did. about a month later things were no different, and Sammi was still suicidal. i hadnt mentioned to her that i had contacted the school, i dont know why, i just thought she didnt need to know it was me that helped. the bullying was still happening, so i decided to contact the headmaster again to make him aware the bullying was still severe and she still felt suicidal. he got quite hasty with me, abit harsh. he asked why i was so interested, to which i replied "im not interested, im just trying to help, she wants to die, and i thought you had the right to know so you could try to help". then i didnt hear anything from him. normally me and Sammi would speak everyday, it became routine. but that day she didnt come online. i thought nothing of it and left it until the next day, the next day came round and she didnt log on, so i text her and asked if she was ok...still no answer. a few days passed and i hadnt heard anything, so i got in touch with our mutual friend, who - to my horror - told me that the school had called in Sammi, and her parents, to let them be aware that I was "abit too keen" and they called me a peodophile. she was advised she stay away from me. they labelled me a peodophile for trying to help a friend. they labbelled me something i had been a victim of myself. she never spoke to me again, and nearly 3 years on, i havent heard from her once. she thinks i am a peodophile, and so does the school.

mybe i was too helpful, maybe i tried the wrong approach, but i was never doing any of that with the intention of getting "involved" with her sexually. she was a friend, a friend i cared about obviously. i didnt want her to hurt anymore.

she never got in touch to ask why i tried to help, or to ask my side of the arguement, instead she labbelled me a peodophile and never spoke to me again.

i emailed her afterwards to explain everything, and to express my outrage. i heard nothing. i also contacted the school to express my utter disappointment in them. i heard nothing.

she was seriously bullied, and instead of the school focusing on sorting out this cruelty, they focused on me and accused me of being something i wasnt, and never will be. to this day i have no idea how she is, whether the bullying stopped, or even if she ever did attempt suicide. im hoping she didnt, and that the bullying stopped.

i will never get over being called a peodophile, as i had been the victim, like i said. it hurt me more than i ever let on, and i had to bottle it up, i felt i couldnt speak to family about it, what would i say? "oh, by the way dad, ive been accused of being a peodophile!". and that conversation i had the other day in Chat bought it back, maybe thats why i had that anger outburst friday, maybe thats why i have been so down this weekend, who knows...i dont. to be good is good, but obviously not to everyone.

simon

Oh Simon,

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am also sorry that the school did this behind your back. I think I am more upset that the girl didn't stick up for you.
What has happened to mankind? Why can't a person reach out to help another without someone accusing someone of something so horrendous.
Simon, I really believe that the girl knew that you were only trying to help her. It upsets me that she didn't stick up for you and tell them that you weren't trying to harm her.
The school had no right to accuse you of such a horrible thing.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about.
You did the right thing.
I, for one, am proud of you for reaching out to this girl.
I am also sorry that this happened to you when you were younger. I know how you feel. It happened to me also.
I hope that you can let this go and just know that you did the right thing.
Thank you for sharing this.
Hugs,
Linda

Thanks Boopers

it did have a huge impact on me at the time, as i was deep in depression at the time, it tipped me over the edge and yet i still had to get up everyday and go to work and pretend nothing happened. that was the hard part of the aftermath - having no one to talk to.

i was utterly distraught that she didnt stick up for me, and i am amazed that not one of them (including the mutual friend who i had grown up with - went through school together!) at any point did they stick up for me, or say "hey, you know he was only doing the right thing". i dont speak with the mutualf riend now, i feel betrayed by all involved. personally i dont care how she is now, im past caring. i put my all into helping her, and for 8 months i single handedly convinced her EVERYDAY not to kill herself, not to cut herself, not to do drugs, not to kill the bullies. whilst having to battle of my own severe depression, and stopping myself doing all those things to myself. i was dragged down deeper than i already was when i was helping her, but i knew that if i could help her, if i could stop the bullying, or at least ease it, i would be able to deal with my own depression afterwards. i didnt even ask for that burden, the mutual friend just put us in touch and before i knew it i was in too deep and couldnt abandon someone who was hurting so much, its against my nature. if i know someoen is hurting i will bend over backwards for them, do all i can. i suppose she just didnt want help.

i know i did the right thing, and i have let it go. but i bottled it up at the time and i havent talked about it until now, nearly 3 years on, when i was confronted with it in Chat. just goes to show Chat works.

simon

Yes, have you ever heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished?" While I hate to use it, sometimes it just seems to fit.

Being accused unjustly is tough enough, but especially after all the work you put into that person it could seem tougher. I guess at this point you have to look at what the results were and those are good...for her...and possibly for you too... because as your caring allowed you to be distracted somewhat from your own depression, you also came through that period of life.

I'm glad you wrote the truth. Now if you can put it back down and leave it...that would be good too imo.

God never told us to "forgive and forget" but He did tell us to continue to forgive. Perhaps the results of this experience will keep you safe in a future one, where you will go into it with a good sense of alertness? IDK.

you are right sky. i iwll leave this well and truly behind me in the past. it hasnt destroyed me, and wasnt doesnt destroy us teaches us something, makes us stronger, right?

i have leanrt alot from it, and i will be more alert in the future. for sure.

simon

I'm sorry this happened to you. You are such a good person.
(((((((( Simon ))))))))

Hello Simon. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. It is very hurtful to relive the past at times, even though it is good and helpful to be able to talk to others that are not judgemental and hurtful. Life is like a catch 22 Simon you have to take the good and the bad as well. You also do not have to feel that you have to be iso;lated from othere here at PC because we have all been where you are at to some degree and we are all looking for nonjudgemental peopl to talk to and relate to in our lives. I wish I could take the pain away that you are having, but sometimes living through the pain brings out the best in people. What happened to you was wrong but you need to get help in releasing the anger in a positive manner in therapy, you cant change what happened, but you can be more positive in learning to deal with the anger, if you get a good therapist. I am very sorry that you were misunderstood, but you know in your heart you did the right thing, and you ned to focus on the good that you did not the sordid misunderstanding that occured after the fact. I think you know that as well, but you may need help just with focusing on the truth of the matter instead of the unjustification that happened afterwards. Heroism At Best Is Someone Elses Sordid Displacement.
Simon we have all been there it is up to you to stay in today, and stop delving in the PAST. You may want to get a therapist that Deals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, to help you stay in today and set realistic goals for the future, so that you can move forward in a productive manner. Medication helps as well, to help the mood swings and the anger. You owe it to yourself to be the person that you are without letting this One incident DICTATE your life. Say I did the right thing, everytime this comes up and try to live in today. You didnt do anything wrong, in helping another person, But YOU Simon have to believe in yourself and you need help in doing that from a professional therapist. Take care I hope to see you in chat again soon, and I hope that you are seeing a therapist soon and working on your issues. Sincerely Soidhonia

Soidhonia.

thank you for your words.

i normally dont have anger, but i had a breakdown friday night, which could have been caused by several things. i dont feel i need to get therapy for my anger as it isnt a huge concern to me. im not letting it control my life, and i am living in today, but when i found myslef re-living the past, or that event in particular, i knew it would help to talk about it. trust me, it doesnt affect me, it doesnt make me cry, or sad, i know i did the right thing. sure i was/am annoyed they never helped, but its their loss. not mine. i wouldnt say i have PTSD, and i definately dont let it dictate my life.

what happened 3 years ago is in the past, where it belongs. i was misunderstood, and was accused of being something i wasnt, something sick. but i have moved on, i just wanted to talk about it as i felt it would help me even more to clean my system of all "toxin" as it were.

thank you all for your replies. i also posted this as a lesson for others to learn, as i believe that "what i leanr, hopefully others can too". it is a prime example of how cruel the world can be to those who try to make a difference. take from it what you will.

simon

Hello Simon I am glad that you are trying to live in the present and I hope others learn from your experience. Take care Simon Soidhonia

Hi Simon,
Just wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for handling this so well.
Yes, your long time friend certainly should feel bad for the part he played in all of this.
I live by the words, "What goes around, comes around" so trust me, they will all get theirs in the end.
Take care and I hope everything will start looking up for you.
Your words that it just shows these forums work, is definitely true!!
Hugs,
Linda