[HighWater]

Hi guys, I'm Highwater and I just signed up because of an acute problem that's been dragging me down for days. It's freaking me out and I'm wondering if anyone has experience with something similar and can lend me some insight. If this is the wrong place to put this topic I apologize--I browsed everything and couldn't figure out the best spot for it.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety my entire life--paranoia, feelings of hopelessness, never really got the hang of making friends so I had no support network. Mostly I just sort of dealt with it by detaching--playing lots of video games and writing lots of stories and basically ignoring everything else except the bare minimum of responsibility. These problems have kept me from working and past high school I experienced a general "failure to launch" because I felt like I couldn't handle the pressure of being an adult.

I managed to force myself to start college last year (I'm 24) and finished my second semester about a week ago. I was feeling really down and anxious all semester but I figured summer break was going to help. Unfortunately things got worse.

A few nights ago I was hit with the sudden irrational thought of "I'm going to die on June 16th." To be clear, this was NOT a suicidal impulse--I experienced it less like a desire and more like a premonition, like there's going to be some sort of horrible accident or I'm going to have a heart attack and die. But I've been known to have irrational fears before, and I recognize the thought as silly. It's not founded in any kind of evidence or logic.

The problem is that it won't. Leave. My. Head.

Instead of just floating through my mind and then going out the other ear, it embedded itself right away and stayed there. I'm now interpreting basically everything that happens around me through this lense that says I'm about to die and nothing matters. I'm going around trying not to show on the outside what's happening in my mind, but I keep having crying spells and getting really angry at everyone who tries to talk to me about anything because there's this sense that it's all pointless.

The worst part is that I KNOW it's nonsense, but it's like it's just stuck in the back of my brain and I can't seem to get it out. It's worsening my depression, making me sloppy with everything I do, and keeping me from focusing 100% on anything. I've prayed, cried, raged and meditated and it's just not going away.

What is this? I've never heard of this as a symptom and don't know how to categorize it or relate to it. I'm desperate enough that I'm preparing to schedule a therapy appointment tomorrow, but I need this to stop NOW and I'm confused out of my mind.

First of all, I am so sorry that you're having that experience. Now, please know: You are not alone. I have had such thoughts repeatedly throughout my life. It's anxiety, probably more specifically symptomatic of OCD. An example: from the time I was 8 years old I KNEW I was going to die in my 17th year. No idea where I got the idea, but it haunted me to the point at which I'd become physically ill. I KNEW I would die in my 17th year. I had almost no doubt. WELL. Turned out that my 17th year was one of the best, most productive, and fun years of my life. btw, I'm 51 now

So, throughout the years I've had similar repetitive thoughts. It's a miserable feeling. Good for you for having scheduled the therapy appointment. I have found Seroquel to be helpful with the severity of those frightening thoughts that stick in my mind.

[mema13]

I'm sorry to hear that. Please keep going to different drs so that u can get a diagnosis. Your not alone sweetheart. I'm bi polar and I haven't started meds and struggling with life too. Please keep trying. Your brave to search for help.

[Maven]

I agree that it sounds much like OCD, at least the obsessive part.

[eskielover]

never really got the hang of making friends so I had no support network. Mostly I just sort of dealt with it by detaching--playing lots of video games and writing lots of stories and basically ignoring everything else except the bare minimum of responsibility. These problems have kept me from working and past high school I experienced a general "failure to launch" because I felt like I couldn't handle the pressure of being an adult.

Might want to look into finding a pdoc/neurologist who is familiar with apergers. Some of what you are saying here is very similar to what I was dealing with my H for so many of our married years.....he's not Dx'ed either but the more I research the symptoms, the more I'm sure that was the problem with him in our marriage......& getting certain things in your mind......thinking opinions as fact can be part of that.

The mind is very complex & when we do not gain the skills we need growing up....we have to learn them as adults & it's a lot harder doing it then because we have to UNPROGRAM the old & REPROGRAM the new....& there are some disabilities that make that even more difficult.

Keep pushing to find a pdoc willing to do a thorough evaluation. My H went into an ADHD study as an adult & pdoc stopped at that....but also told H that he needed to go to a neurologist because he thought there was more wrong with him than JUST ADD.......& now after researching the asperger's, it's the only Dx where all the symptoms fit what I experienced with him.

He grew up in a family that moved all the time with his dad's engineering career, so not having friends seemed like a normal situation to come out of that....so some things do get masked by our growing up circumstances. Just insist on having a thorough evaluation that covers all the different possibilities & that they will be open through T to keep investigating so that you can know what is really going on in your mind.

[elliemay]

This sounds like generalized anxiety, and I think it's time to see a psychiatrist about it. It might help you a lot.

Anxiety is exhausting, and causes withdrawal, fear, and depression - all the stuff you describe.

Eventually the generalization gets a name. For you it sounds very specific, but it's likely just a focus for the underlying pattern of upset that is essentially amorphous (which makes it even more intolerable).

I wish you the best, and I hope you can find some peace.

[minimags]

Originally Posted by HighWater

Hi guys, I'm Highwater and I just signed up because of an acute problem that's been dragging me down for days. It's freaking me out and I'm wondering if anyone has experience with something similar and can lend me some insight. If this is the wrong place to put this topic I apologize--I browsed everything and couldn't figure out the best spot for it.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety my entire life--paranoia, feelings of hopelessness, never really got the hang of making friends so I had no support network. Mostly I just sort of dealt with it by detaching--playing lots of video games and writing lots of stories and basically ignoring everything else except the bare minimum of responsibility. These problems have kept me from working and past high school I experienced a general "failure to launch" because I felt like I couldn't handle the pressure of being an adult.

I managed to force myself to start college last year (I'm 24) and finished my second semester about a week ago. I was feeling really down and anxious all semester but I figured summer break was going to help. Unfortunately things got worse.

A few nights ago I was hit with the sudden irrational thought of "I'm going to die on June 16th." To be clear, this was NOT a suicidal impulse--I experienced it less like a desire and more like a premonition, like there's going to be some sort of horrible accident or I'm going to have a heart attack and die. But I've been known to have irrational fears before, and I recognize the thought as silly. It's not founded in any kind of evidence or logic.

The problem is that it won't. Leave. My. Head.

Instead of just floating through my mind and then going out the other ear, it embedded itself right away and stayed there. I'm now interpreting basically everything that happens around me through this lense that says I'm about to die and nothing matters. I'm going around trying not to show on the outside what's happening in my mind, but I keep having crying spells and getting really angry at everyone who tries to talk to me about anything because there's this sense that it's all pointless.

The worst part is that I KNOW it's nonsense, but it's like it's just stuck in the back of my brain and I can't seem to get it out. It's worsening my depression, making me sloppy with everything I do, and keeping me from focusing 100% on anything. I've prayed, cried, raged and meditated and it's just not going away.

What is this? I've never heard of this as a symptom and don't know how to categorize it or relate to it. I'm desperate enough that I'm preparing to schedule a therapy appointment tomorrow, but I need this to stop NOW and I'm confused out of my mind.

Dear Highwater,

I just found your post or I would have replied sooner. I had a similar situation at one point in my life. I had a dream that I was going to die on July 17th, I was 11-years-old. I couldn' think of anything else for weeks. That happened in 1957, I am 67-year-old now. I am not making light of your condition or your compulsive thought. Just recognize it for what it is just a random thought. As today is June 16th and I'm sure that you are still among us, you will be feeling better very soon. Take heart

minimags