Boundaries

i am putting this here, rather than self-help, because it's short and i think it is of interest to our general population.

in self-help, boundaries has been a subject that causes a lot of discussion. boundaries for ourselves are very important.....

respecting the boundaries of others, to me, is just as important as establishing boundaries for myself. in fact, i don't know how i would know to recognize another's boundaries if i didn't have them for myself first. i have to know, first, what makes me uncomfortable before i can recognize that someone else is uncomfortable when i get too close.

here on PC, we all have such different personalities and we don't all feel comfortable with the same things. it's easy for me to forget it, as i'm on a keyboard and not seeing that person's reaction/response when i type.

having different opinions, to me, is a healthy sign of coping in society. and PC allows for some discussion when we disagree..... however, breaching someone's personal emotional boundary isn't a good idea and can cause a great deal of personal pain.

here, as IRL, safety is of the utmost importance. good boundaries are safety nets. they keep us "in" and unwanted influences "out".

there are physical boundaries, mine is about 18 inches. as soon as someone starts getting closer to me than that, i notice it and respond accordingly....if it's someone that i am comfortable with, i will stay there, if not...i move back.

there are emotional boundaries. my mother used to breach mine quite often. (and i also had some "uncles" that would try to violate my physical boundaries) emotional boundaries are very important in that i feel safe when i know that i can be secure with my beliefs and feelings due to the respect of others around me. in turn, i try to allow for different responses, reactions, etc. from others that can be completely different from mine.

it is a sign of personal growth when we allow others the space that we want for ourselves. it is a part of becoming mentally healthy and "growing up".....xoxoxo pat p.s. i am in a hurry and have to go to work.....allow for my rambling, please.

Hello isnt this all really the objective regarding the rality of life. I am so glad you shared this insight, and I hope many others get to enjoy your thought for the day. Take care soidhonia

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fayerody said: in turn, i try to allow for different responses, reactions, etc. from others that can be completely different from mine.

it is a sign of personal growth when we allow others the space that we want for ourselves. it is a part of becoming mentally healthy and "growing up".....

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Pat....if this is your ramble then pls say when you're going to let loose! such and important post. we've posted about boundaries twice before in General and in Psychotherapy............our thread had some basic boundary stuff in it relating to professional relationships but could be easily translated into the personal arena.

to remember that others act and behave differently than we might can be hard to remember at times..........if it is hard for us we can only imagine how difficult it must be for others!

we definitely allow for space between ourselves and others as we know how much space we need to heal..........we hope others can see the need for this space and respect it.

blessings to you for sharing your wisdom so freely...........so sorry that often you know these things from life's hard lessons..........but so darn grateful that you are generous with all of us with that hard earned knowledge.

your years of dedication to positive mental health is admirable. we're aiming to be similar to you when we're all grown up and stuff

I've sometimes had some problems with setting the boundaries at the correct level. I've learnt from it and I'm trying to "read" persons more carefully than before.
If we all were just the same in every way... what a dull world to live in!
I also think that us who spend a lot of time by ourselves within the four walls of our home... might lose some of the "finger touch" in how to address others. We need each other and to learn how to be good both to ourselves and others is important.
Maybe this sounds weird... but I think that we are kind of like a lichen... a symbiosis between algae and fungus. They need one another to live. They work together. We all come here to feel better, feel loved and less alone. We need each other...

Let us all do our best, in keeping healthy boundaries...

Thanks, Pat! You have given me that kick in the butt I've been needing. The thought has been rolling around in my head to write down my impressions and thoughts on boundaries but I've been too busy protecting my own to think about much else.

Thanks again for posting this.

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I think that we are kind of like a lichen... a symbiosis between algae and fungus. They need one another to live.

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Nina, I have to admit that when I first read your above quote my immediate reaction was

My first thought was, "Yeah! They suck the life out of each other!" So... I looked it up in the dictionary. This is what I found:

Symbiosis
1 : the living together in more or less intimate association or close union of two dissimilar organisms
2 : the intimate living together of two dissimilar organisms in a mutually beneficial relationship ; especially : MUTUALISM
3 : a cooperative relationship (as between two persons or groups) <the symbiosis... between the resident population and the immigrants -- John Geipel>

I was wrong, wasn't I?? Hmm... it's my week for eating crow... but that's okay. I've never denied that there is ALWAYS room for growth.

Perhaps it's been past relationships or my own reaction to certain relationships that gave me the wrong impression of what the word Symbiosis means.

Perhaps it's the fact that this symbiotic relationship encrusts itself on an object. I'm not sure. You have certainly given me food for thought! ... ... ... I'll be back!

in my work with the elderly, i have to be extra alert to pick up physical signals because often the patient cannot articulate their feelings. when i am in their homes, i can see their facial expressions, hand expression, etc. i can gauge what i should do by watching them closely. and i can assure you that most of them are very capable of watching me closely and picking up on "signs" that i might exhibit and not be aware of.

here in the internet world, i can ask myself, "is this feeling, that i think another poster has, what i would want for myself?" if it isn't, then i'm on the wrong track with the poster. i have to be able to gauge their boundaries by knowing what mine are and trying to understand their background (what i know about it) and work with that. if i can't understand, then i feel that i must retreat and try to not impact the other poster negatively.

thank you all so much for your positive replies. i've been thinking about this for about 5 or 6 days and was hopeful that i could articulate it in a way that it would "make sense" to my peers here.my thinking can really get screwy at times. thanks for validating that sometimes the ole brain hums.....

boundaries aren't just mine. they belong to every poster here.......love, pat

Ahhh! Boundaries! One of my favorite topics!

Beautiful post, fayerody!

Struggling daily bet. hiding too much and disclosing too much, is another boundary issue I deal with. To hold onto myself, not get lost, and allow others the same.

Thank you for such a great post. I loved reading it and totally agree. Great job!!

having trouble with boundries, since we started the safe house it seems I have no breathing space except here, would someone remind me what the heck I'm doing this for
Angie

One of the problems I have had is being HEARD when I say "STOP!" I see that boundary violated quite a bit.

For me, the realization hit me when I offhandedly said "*I* know where I'm not wanted!" Why can't other people understand that?? "No" means NO! Which letter of those two do people have trouble with??