not sure where this fits

I don't know where this post fits best. I want to be honest and say that I'm a returning member... I don't think I'll be coming back consistently, though. I used to post here under another name, but I haven't posted in a long time and I don't want to be recognized today.

I just need a place to vent and be heard.

I am so frustrated with my life right now. It's so hard not to give up. No matter what I do, I can't make ends meet financially and my situation feels so hopeless. I'm just all messed up, disorganized, and not making enough money to make it. I'm so ashamed of it, because I turned out just like my parents. I never wanted to be like them, and it hurts so bad. I really need help, and my therapist wants to help, but it's so hard for me to be honest with her about my situation- about the parts that are my fault, like my disorganization.

Everything in me feels disorganized and so hard to sort through

And I'm borderline. I've been working with my therapist for years and years and years, and yet things are strained because because I can't attach, trust, open up, be vulnerable... I can't seem to have empathy for anyone else. It's not that I'm a bad person, I'm just in so much pain all the time, every day, that it's soooo hard to see beyond myself.

I have so little in life, but I feel like I have more than I deserve.

I am so ashamed of who I am.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low today - for I can hear your pain and wish I had a quick fix for you, but as we all know all to well - PeAcE - from within comes from doing the hard mental work needed with a good T - as to heal.

What can we do for YOU today to help you through?


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I don't think there's anything anybody can do. I'm just a piece of crap. I think my therapist will end up really hating me and/or really hurting over the fact that I can't get well. Trying to help me will just poison her because the only thing inside of me is poison. It's all I have to give.

I sent you a PM

Hello Not So --

I really share your pain. My mom -- whose in her 80s -- has been sending me monthly money since 2004 to help me out. And I have advanced degrees. My home is messy and disorganized, and I don't do the things to help myself.

It is a wretched position to be in, and I empathize with how you feel.

Not so Soft,

Can you write down what you are feeling and hand it to your t? There have been times I haven't been able to tell my counselor something, but I have managed to write it down.

I wish you all good things,

Jan

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not_so_soft said:
I don't think there's anything anybody can do. I'm just a piece of crap. I think my therapist will end up really hating me and/or really hurting over the fact that I can't get well. Trying to help me will just poison her because the only thing inside of me is poison. It's all I have to give.

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<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I too use to feel the exact same way.... but that was 10 years ago and before I spent 8 straight years in counseling - working hard on ME no matter what may come my way, for I needed to release all the hate and poison that dwelled inside of me and luck had it that I found a wonderful T (she was my 4th T).

Hang in there and keeping looking and always work hard on the emotional wounds that control you..... if I can do it after 4 suicide attempts then I have faith that you and others can do it too.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. Welcome back though!!!