this is long and fits everywhere

I could probably put this in any forum, not sure so hear it is. I was writing a post on this earlier when I was paged. I had stopped to see a dying client at the end of my day. He died tonight. So I went out and lost my post. It started with my agitation over work and how T and I discussed the roots. Feelings of powerlessness and not trusting SYSTEMS. Came by it early in life and it is interfering with me professionally. It is hard for me to see people suffering uneccessarily. I have seen that a bit lately and I feel powerless to change it. I am not a medical professional but what I saw with this man who died and lack of what I consider common sense medical treatment caused him pain and suffering. I could have, if I had the power, helped him a lot sooner then he was helped. He died peacefully at home tonight so all is well there. My point is that I am carrying the anxiety, the anger from my own powerlessness to my work and I get hurt by it. I need to find ways to accept that I don't have the power to help everyone and that life just stinks sometimes. I have a need to follow through and make sure people are getting the best care possible and are treated lovingly and with respect. And tonight I went because I wanted, no, needed the spouse to feel supported. I went so I could make sure his body was handled with respect as he was prepared and taken by the funeral home. I went because I wanted to make it as okay as possible for the family. I care. It is as though by accepting the suffering of others that I am saying that my suffering was/is okay. I know that is not true but how do I come to terms with the fact that I can't make everything okay? That some people don't care, that people still suffer needlessly? I need to work this out or I can't keep working like this. I must learn to rest and eat and relax between clients. I must share the responsibility more by discussions with supers and peers. I don't know if this makes any sense as it is very late and I am exhausted. I am not trying to RESCUE anyone, but i am struggling with the fact that I can't make basic changes sometimes. it is politically complicated. Minefield if you mis-step. But I need to heal and get through this so I can keep my job of 16 years and still be affective at it. Any suggestions?

(((WW))) <font color="blue"> I wasn't going to post for a while, due to my stupidity regarding the miscommunication of the chat room icons, but seeing your post made me think how that wasn't logical thinking on my part.

I, too, fight the system. It doesn't work. It perpectuates my PTSD. You are frustarted with trying to work within it, fighting for others. How I wish I had someone like you in my life,for I am only trying to fight it for myself, and can't.

Do you remember the story of the Starfish?
(For those who don't, it tells of a person who walks along the beach, tossing stranded beached starfish back into the ocean. The beach is always filled with such starfish, and it appears to us that it's a useless effort. Someone finally tells the poor person who is tossing them, you must stop, you are wasting your time, what difference are you making? The person, picks up another starfish and tosses it back into the ocean and says, "It made a difference to that one."

We can become so overwhelmed by the huge picture. We are not responsible for the the whole world, only with that part of it we come into contact.

Take a break, if you can, even if it's only for a few hours... and indulge in YOU. Find something that recharges YOUR energy, so you can continue to share.

Kind of like what I've been going through, one of our members in my group was going through caffine &amp; nicotine withdrawls and her service providers didn't see how badly she was decomping, they wouldn't do anything so we got involved did a lot of phone calling, yelling, and praying. Thanks to our groups intervention she is safely in the hospital. The sad part is she was having peti mal seizures and one step from catatonic.
Of course the provider agencies said what a good job we did, point is it wasn't our job to do , where were they when needed
Angie

Sky, what a thoughtful understanding reply you gave to me. Thank you. Perhaps it is that simple, accept the things I can not change, courage to do what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am not up on the icon thing so a complete duh here but thanks for getting it.

Wisewoman -- When I think of you in this situation, I see the Tyne Daley character is Judging Amy, who fights so relentlessly against the social services system for abused children, and then suffers the effects of the stress for herself.

The story of the starfish seems especially appropriate for you. What you accomplish makes a difference for each one you help. And that is enough. Even Mother Theresa could not help all the suffering ill in Calcutta, no less all in India or the world.

Peace and blessings.

wants and Not, I too like the star fish example. I do get angry when the system works for it's self and not the "client". I am no rocket scientist and it seems like if I can see something and know a correct action others should too. I have to care for myself. I have to know what you all are saying that every step matters. Especially when done with love. I have to say that I have a tremendous sense of relief today since this man's death as though a worry is lifted, me there ready with another cork to try to stop the leak, I am greatful for the opportunity to share in peoples lives and deaths. It is a gift and I accept it with holiness. I really have a hard time when others don't seem to give a royal pooh to go out of their way and do the right thing. I was speaking with the widow today and I know that I helped her and I know she is thank ful. You know what else? I thanked her. I thanked her for trusting me and letting me do whatever I could. Powerlessness stinks.