[MotownJohnny]

After 2 years and 2 months, I want to reclaim what I feel is my rightful "place in society", reclaim my status as a full and equal citizen.

I want to be more than "just a mental patient". Which is all I've felt like all this time. "Just a mental patient". Not a man. Not a person. Not an equal.

I don't know if I ever really "lost it" anywhere except in the 27th circle of Hell that exists in my head. Probably not, I just "feel like" I did.

But, whether the loss was real or imaginary, I want it back.

The question is - is it mine to reclaim? Do I have the right to "take it back" for myself?

Or, must I be "given it back" or "given the right" by some outside force, a doctor, a T, the state, society, my family, God, whoever or whatever?

Can I just be "me" again? Is it too much to ask?

[unaluna]

Hey if Arnold Schwarzenegger can come to the US from Austria, win mr olympia so many times, marry a kennedy, become a movie star, and get elected governor of california - i think anybody can do anything. At least, thats what he said!

[vonmoxie]

^ lol. hankster.

I was thinking the other day that I've never given myself license to be happy. I have been happy, but I was operating without a license! I too, want to go legit!

No one else can grant you that license. Well, maybe some parents when they spoil their kids from early on.. my late hub was a recovering spoiled person, and I was always amazed at just how genuinely happy he could be with simple things, the things he loved. I decided I've got to create my own license though, a license to be happy with myself as I am. Being open to change and to continuing to evolve needn't involve self-recrimination.

[MotownJohnny]

See, I think that is it. I felt like my diagnosis, partial program, the whole ball of wax somehow was a judgment against me, against my character, and that I was "on parole" for the rest of my life, but instead of seeing a court officer I was "sentenced" to see a pdoc or a T or trips to the pharmacy or whatever "for life". I felt very much "less than equal" - back to that "I'm the scum of the earth" feeling.

And frankly, it felt like EVERYONE in the world knew, everyone was staring at me. Like I was in an orange jumpsuit that said "Prisoner" or maybe "Parole" on the back, and was forced to pick up trash along the roadside or whatever, with everyone going by staring, leering, honking, maybe spitting in my face, all of society "taking me down a peg or two or three".

And of course, I felt like I deserved all of that, for my "crime" of having mental health issues and getting a diagnosis. Because it never felt like medicine, it always felt like an experience in the criminal justice system.

I think this experience kind of illustrates what I mean. Right after the day hospital program, I did something radical to try to help myself, went and joined the gym. And, about 2 weeks into that, after I was just kind of beginning to settle into a routine there, one day, I got there, changed, started my workout, and suddenly felt SO out of place. I felt like everyone there would just be disgusted and shocked if they knew "some mental patient" was among them, working out, using the same locker room, parking in the same parking lot, eating in the same cafe. I felt that I did not DESERVE to be there, because I was inferior, less than equal, and the scum of the earth, and if they KNEW that, they would feel the same way, and tell me to get out and never come back, under penalty of arrest or something. "Your kind isn't welcome here." It really upset me, I remember crying pretty hard on the way home about that. "Your kind isn't welcome here."

But actually, that was NOT the reality of the situation. I actually fit in there really well, made a lot of friends, felt pretty accepted despite various issues and circumstances and my overall "weirdness".

Well, all of society has felt like that first few weeks at the gym to me - they all know I'm the crazy mental patient, and I've just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, when they denounce me and order me out, "your kind isn't welcome here."

But I know that isn't true - "they" don't have that power or right. I know I AM protected legally against discrimination in various areas, such as employment, housing, etc. Not having ever committed any crime, nor having ever been the subject of any court proceedings, I'm pretty much a "clean slate", other than my sense of shame over the entire diagnosis/hospitalization incident.

So, I think it's up to ME to give MYSELF the license to "resume my place in society" - especially since intellectually I know I never lost it.

[Open Eyes]

Maybe it's just to finally settle into being "human" after all Mowtown. It is actually very human to experience a personal crisis at some point in one's life. Maybe this journey is about accepting imperfection instead of feeling some need to be whatever you felt was
some "perfect pillar in society" somehow.

Truth is, there is no crime in just being "human" after all.

[vonmoxie]

I think sometimes we demonize ourselves for our troubles for the same reason that other people do it to us; we demonize what we don't fully understand and are not sure we have means to fully deal with, but because we have fight in us we objectify ourselves as the source, to give ourselves a way to do battle, albeit an ineffective one. We battle ourselves, to allow ourselves to be in some kind of action.. it's like any anti-biotic gone wrong.

And it becomes even more diffused from other people; when they're not sure what there is to demonize in what they don't understand in others, they thusly demonize an even more nebulous enemy, but one which still represents their own struggle with inner demons, and they are swinging even more blindly in the dark.

Luckily, people do tend to respond to what we give them, so when we expect the best of them we quite often get it. Pretty much everyone (correction: everyone) is walking around in some variety of altered perception of life.

[thickntired]

Mowtown

You have given the best answer to this question when you say "they don't have the power." You are not a diagnosis. You are a person. Having to persevere, on a daily basis, the difficulties you face makes you a STRONG person. People are ignorant in general towards MI. The words psychotic and sociopath are used interchangeably. When medical professionals learn I experience psychoses I believe some conjure up the image of me being a knife welding lunatic. Be true to yourself and rise up above the little minded sheep of the world!

[JadeAmethyst]

Good luck to you MJ

[MotownJohnny]

Thanks, all.

I think the biggest problem is that I am one of the little-minded sheep.of the workd when it comes to my attitude about myself.

[hamster-bamster]

I think your intelligence sometimes works against your best interest - in other words, your being so cerebral about things stops you from being experiential (and hedonistic, too). I do not know if you do therapy; if you do, I would absolutely NOT do CBT if I were you, but instead do art therapy or creative expression therapy or sandbox or psychodrama or basically anything that does not involve so much verbal thinking and talking, but instead bypasses the cerebral part and connects to your psyche, feelings, sensations, etc. I have not done process painting yet, but based on what I have read in announcements, it would be perfect for you. Process=as opposed to result-oriented, so you are not judged based on the final picture, nor do you strive to draw or paint towards a particular goal in your mind, but just go with the flow and see what emerges. No skills necessary. the good ole psychodynamic therapy, especially in a group setting, would be good for you as well. Right now your intelligence and verbal aptitude seems to be your own enemy of sorts, as if you had built a tall dark fortress around your own head and cannot see the light of day from within it...

[lizardlady]

Johnny, a couple of your posts in this thread break my heart and remind me of myself in the past. Due to things that happened in my past I thought I had this huge sign on me that announced to the world that I was not only damaged goods, but dirty to boot.

Hun, the reality is that the outside world only sees what we show it. Folks at the gym had no idea about your diagnosis (unless you told them). That negative view of ourselves comes from inside our own heads. Maybe the message was programmed into us by someone else, but we continue to repeat it. It's possible to stop that way of thinking. Took me a long time and a ton of hard work in therapy, but I did it. My past is still the same. The things that happened, happened, but that doesn't mean I am any less than any other person. AND no one in the world knows those things about me unless I decide to tell them.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Thanks, all.

I think the biggest problem is that I am one of the little-minded sheep.of the workd when it comes to my attitude about myself.

You can change your attitude now that you have an awareness.