More Than a Lack of Support

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LadyDragus said:
Susan, I am so sorry your going through this yet again.
I think the thing you need to do is say... " I am me, I wll be me, and he cant stop me"

It is from one of the poems you gave me in a book once.

Maybe I should find it again and post it just for you.
We are who we make ourselves not what others want of us

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Thank you. ((((((((((((LadyD)))))))))))) I would like to read that poem again.

Thanks a lot Mary Alice. I'm sorry you have the same thing to deal with. I wish us both the strength to be ourselves. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Thanks a lot for your understanding of the situation (((((((((Pat)))))))))) I hate it that so many women have their own personal experience with this kind of thing. It is good though that we can support each other.

Hi sabau2. Thanks for your suggestion of including him in my work. I've been working on that and not getting too far yet but will continue to try to get him interested. He did help me pass out brochures in the neighborhood once when it was about 15 degrees....he felt sorry for me.

I'm having a hard time getting him to try any of the mens products. He does seem to like hearing about the people I see and what they have been doing of late. He also thinks I work too hard and make to little. I probably agree with him for now, it takes a lot of time to build up a good customer base.

I hope someday he will own and deal with his problems and stop putting them on me!

Hi AlteredState. Yes, I to think he feels jealous of the things I am able to do well. It's a little hard to believe considering he worked at a job for 40 years and made lots of money. He had no interests outside of work and I think he resents all of my interests, including any work I might do.

I also think he has a great fear of abandonment yet that seems in contrast to his wanting me to leave him alone all of the time. He's really hard to figure out sometimes!

I will try to find it..
But here is another one that is just for you.

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Your Wonderful qualities have made a lasting imperssion on me that I will admire for as long as I live.
You give me so much to be thankful for
You have wisdom that goes beyond your words, a sweetness that goes beyond your smile, and a heart of pure gold.
you take the time to hear my deepest thoughs, my feelings and my fears.
You've dried tears no on else coudl see, you've helped me find happiness, and you've taught me that I really can make some of my dreams come true.
The isn't a more special person in all the world... than you
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Thank you so much. (((((((((((((((Trish)))))))))))))))) I wish you and your family a very Happy Easter.

LadyDragus what a beautiful saying.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter.

I believe you may have hit upon the answer! I, too, focused only on my career, and when that was gone, my whole world was, too.

I understand his resentment, too. Although you are the unfortunate recipient of the outward expression of his resentment, he is really resenting his own choices. He will probably feel lost for a very very long time, especially after an entire lifetime of a single-focused interest.

I'm so like that too - wanting to be left alone, even though it totally contradicts. For me, it is a result of the shame I feel about feeling resentment toward the one I love, most especially when I know it is entirely my fault.

Hope that one made sense. Just keep doing what you are doing; and always ask him to join you (on things that he also may enjoy doing) anyway. He will soon notice that he is the one holding himself up.

Question? Does he ever spend the money he makes? I ask because I have noticed that my parents, when they retired, had a whack of money yet would not (could not?)spend it - on anything!

Now that my father has passed away (8 years now), I am still nagging my mom to spend it (although she is not having as much trouble doing that as my father did), but she is still way too conservative, in my opinion. I know this thinking is a generational thing, but I / we (rest of the kids) all want to see her enjoy the "good life" she and my father spent their lives saving to have!

What type of work did you husband do? Is there a way for him to use his incredible knowledge and experience to help others (such as a lecturer/instructor at local schools/colleges, or helping in a community where his skills may be sorely lacking)?

I don't know - these are just some ideas I'm throwing out there...

My father had retired (twice - from 2 different careers) way too young, and I believe that it had a great deal to do with the worsening of an illness he had that resulted in his death. He was a man whose mind NEEDED to be engaged all the time. Unfortunately, he never did find "golfing" to be enough for him to do for the rest of his life. He was a thinker - a mathematical and a logistical type. I believe these types of individuals need always to be engaged in serious stuff. (Not saying that what you are engaged in is not serious, but serious in the sense of what that means to him).

I saw a program on this very issue. It was a new phenomena happening in Japan - they even gave it a name, something like 'retired husband syndrome' where so many husbands were retiring and were starting to drive their wives insane!! So many older women were seeing their doctors because of stress and anxiety caused by their husband's behaviours (similar to what you are experiencing) which was a direct result of retirement and/or forced retirement. Sad, huh?

Sorry for going on and on. I guess I am just trying to make you feel better (?) This rant, however, won't change your husband...

AS

This is more of an anecdote than support, but it relates to retired husband syndrome --

I was chatting to the man who owns a small,local dry cleaning business near my home. He always seems to have a couple of buddies in there, sitting on lawn chairs, chatting.

One day he told me that he came to Florida to retire, but after a short time had to stop spending his days at the country club, golfing. "Yeah, the guys would get drunk after the game, and then they'd starting. Fistfights would break out. I couldn't take it."

I couldn't believe it, so I questioned him, and he insisted that the old fellows would get so mad at each other that it was not unusual for someone to take a swing at someone else!

So he started the little dry cleaning business to give himself something to do.

Let's hope your dh finds something to occupy himself and feel proud of, Ozzie. Houseplants, outdoor gardening, model making, puzzles -- anything!

Yep, he was so focused on his career (an electrical engineer) that he usually doesn't know what to talk about with his own kids when they come to visit.

He really misses his work and the people he could talk with about work. Anything I talk about feels like useless chatter to him.

You are right that he is taking out his resentments on me and I really hope he will find something to interest him soon because he is so angry when I'm interested in things.

Your post was helpful and I thank you for sharing.

Thanks Wants2Fly. Like I said in my reply above, I hope he finds some kind of interest soon.....maybe even a part time job like what I'm doing.