More Than a Lack of Support

My dear husband really has a problem with me having a job or even a hobby that takes a lot of my attention. He is like a dependent child and it really makes me mad. Not only does he refrain from supporting my attempts to be successful, he always finds things wrong with what I'm doing.

I'm either burning too much gas, spending too much money, spending too much time or I'm obsessed....according to him.

When I was working online, I was "on the computer all the time". When I was gardening, I was "obsessed". When I worked for the newpaper, I was too involved. (I liked my job). Now that I'm selling Avon, I'm putting too many miles on the car and causing us to pay more to have our taxes done. duh!

I'm having a hard time shaking off his negative attitude all of the time. This time, however, I am determined that I will, but would like some ideas on how to continue on my path towards having a successful Avon business without allowing him deter me. I happen to be one of those women who tries to please her husband. How do I stop and please myself instead.....without feeling guilty?

((((((susan))))))

Maybe you could make a list of what you think being a good wife to him is (in your expectations), then when he gripes and you feel guilty, check that list. If you're maintaining it for the most part, you can say byebye guilt?

My daughter is great at that and when I automatically assume the guilt, I check myself. Am I doing what I feel I should...age appropriate with her of course. When I do that, I'm able to say, "I don't feel guilty." and REALLY feel it.

I hope this eases for you because I have every sense that you love what you're doing and I hope you can enjoy it to the fullest.

Another thing you might want to put on the bottom of that piece of paper where the list is, is a reminder..."if it wasn't a gripe about this, it would be something."

Best to you,

KD

I'm sorry you feel that way...or, more to the point, that he treats you that way. I feel like that about my boyfriend, in terms of certain things I get excited about: If I'm really happy about an idea, an impending event/purchase/travel, he has to point out all the negatives, or potential negatives. I'm not saying there isn't value in that--I do think of those things myself, too, usually--but I really hate that he has to bring me down. And then he'll sometimes turn it around, and say, "But we might find it's better than we think." I just want him to cheer me on. He tends to worry a lot and think bad things are going to happen when he makes certain decisions.

Likewise, he has to point out all the positives, or potential positives, in something I'm just not happy about. Or if I'm mad, he has to point out all the possibilities of how I could be wrong. And I do consider other points of view...it's not always about people...but I just want him to say, "Yes, you're right! That's terrible! I don't blame you for being angry!" A little support, you know?

Our new house is one example. I'm not happy about it, and the more I hear, the less happy I am. I truly hope it falls through and we have to look for a new house (of course, I only want this if we'd find a better house). The housing inspector is going back Tuesday to see how bad the sagging roof is. I wish he'd tried to make appointments to see some of the houses I'd found in the last few days before he made his decision. The bedrooms are too [BLEEP!] small, even the master bedroom (which he gets), and even the basement room, plus there's no ventilation in the basement room, which I was going to use for a hobby room. I'm really upset.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to take over the thread...just vented before I knew what I was doing. Please keep to the main topic, but I need to get that out now and then.

I have no words but I do understand where you stand.

(((((((((((((Ozzie)))))))))))))))

Love you my friend!

Hello Ozzie.
I agree with Kimmy that you need to make a list and if you are not doing anything wrong, then at least you should have sounder boundaries for yourself. Ihope the best for you in the future. Take care Soidhonia

(((((((((( ozzie ))))))))))

ozzie, I'm sorry, I'm lost for words at the present time, but it sounds like he can use some counseling, or return to it, if has ever tried it.
I think maybe the "place" he's in, may be adding to his sour attitude? I know when my husband feels threatened at his job (they always are merging with other companies) or is angst, he'll make comments or do things to try my emotions, I think my husband is in denial about possibly going through depression, sadly guys from our era and our parents, feel depression/anxiety is a sign of weakness and/or loss of power, so they resent the fact that they too, can be victims of depression. This is just my feelings.
Don't let yourself be giving up things you enjoy or enjoyed, I've done this, and I'm feeling physically and emotionally exhausted and have fallen in a terrible rut.
I wish some husbands would realize if they'd allow us to be more than just "maids" we'd be happy and more pleasant to be around, then maybe both will be happier?
Just my own opinion and thoughts on this.
There's a huge lack of support in my home lately, and I really feel for you and what you are going through.
Take care now, and PM me anytime if you wish.
Roe

((((((((((((( ozzie ))))))))))))

((((Susan)))) many thousands of women have found their freedom from such oppression through the personal sales avenue. Don't give up, it may be all you have in the future. My mother was in Stanley Home Products for 40 years... and when I lived in the poorest county in the nation and there were no jobs available, I also followed my mom's footsteps for a few years ... so I could finish college. There was never a year that I had to "pay" taxes because of the allowances by the government for schedule C submissions... and I always had money to do what I needed to do.

Perhaps it's time to have it out with your hubby, in that, confront him with the facts: it isn't that you are wasting money or are obsessed, but that HE isn't happy with you finding yourself and being a woman. HE feels worse when he sees you succeed at anything... and add anything issues that you feel are at the root of the problem.

Quit arguing things that aren't the issue... but whether you want to air out the real problems, well, that's up to you... perhaps just knowing that his whining is his problem and not really yours, will be enough. Try turning a deaf ear to him, like he does to you.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))0

Thanks Kimmy. I've never actually made such a list but I definitely have it in my head. I can easily tell when he is being unrealistic. There was a time when I couldn't and just accepted all that he said.

I guess if I feel good about how I treat him and how I run my business then I need to somehow shield myself from his negatism. The problem is I feel angry about what he does and I'm sure that it shows in my treatment of him. It's a vicious circle!!!

Thanks for replying Maven. It's always good to know that someone else really understands as a result of their own experiences.

My first instinct was to ask if you have told him that you don't want this house. However, when I've told my husband what I really think about something, he later throws it up to me about "I wouldn't let him do such and such".

Thanks (((((((((((((Time0)))))))))))))) I know you understand. Better days ahead for both of us?

Thank you Sodhonia. It's nice to meet you.

((((((((((Roe)))))))))))))) Your posts are so helpful to me because I know you struggle with some of the same issues I do. As always, thank you for your wisdom dear friend.

Sky, you said, "Perhaps it's time to have it out with your hubby, in that, confront him with the facts: it isn't that you are wasting money or are obsessed, but that HE isn't happy with you finding yourself and being a woman. HE feels worse when he sees you succeed at anything... and add anything issues that you feel are at the root of the problem."

I'm glad it's obvious to others besides myself, exactly what HIS problem is. Thanks for pointing this out so clearly.

I want everyone to know that I have had it out with him many times about exactly what you said, Sky......many times in the 40 years that we've been married. Sometimes he even admits to his insecurity about my succeeding at something. Yet, he continues to do this.....every time.

I have always given in so that he won't feel so insecure and thus be so mean and negative. I won't do it this time!!

Sky, you are so right in saying that someday this may be all I have. I also know that the expenses incurred will all be deductible and my business taxes will be next to nothing. (nothing in '06 since I just started on Oct. 31, '06) He actually wanted me to NOT tell the accountant that I was working. I had to tell him no and he threw a huge fit about that, but then after nearly a week of pouting, he agreed to report the job and the income. Why did I spend 40 years like this????

Please don't anyone suggest I leave now because it isn't an option for me at my age and in my health.

Thanks for accepting what I posted. At this point then you can work on developing that deaf ear tell him you aren't stopping and he can continue to make him and the "household" miserable with his whining or he can enjoy the benefits of having a (semi) happy wife

The more you find friendship outside of the home through your sales contacts and such, the less his problem will shadow you.

TC!

Hi Ozzie . Sorry You are having this rough time. I have been on both sides and I am still learning. I have found when I am free to be me and I allow my BF free to be himself love is really strong between us. Respect is big too. Exploring who you are is awesome. You have your job to live your life as best you can. It is his job to live his. That being said bringing the best of those two lives together make a powerful union. Is he retired and now lonely? Do you spend enough quality together time? We started to slip in that we never sat and coddled watching TV anymore. We both started to get short tempered and cranky. When we changed that we were like new lovers again. When I don't keep myself busy with my interests I get whiny and I recognise now that most of the time it is nothing to do with my partner. If he is there and loving and supportive we are spending quality time then I have to look at what I am doing or not doing. Make dates. It works and its so much fun looking forward to them.

Thanks Sky. What I'm trying to do is turn that deaf ear and I need tips on doing just that. I've even considered going around listening to music with headphones on. I'm afraid that might drive me batty though.

I really would appreciate any tips on turning a deaf ear to someone you care about who is being so negative.

I think using good thinking to counter might help... just like when we tell ourselves negative things we have to counter them with positive? So when he says something negative, tell yourself that's his problem talking, that you really are doing a good job... tell yourself that's just words he's saying, but truth is that things are going better for you.... or say something like, I'm only in the house another hour today and then I'm doing outside work...I can put up with his babbling another hour... whatever gets the job done (((hugs)))

Hi froggie2. I had a dear friend once whose nickname was froggie.

My husband and I go on dates every weekend. We really enjoy it. We are movie buffs. Hubby doesn't like cuddling at all! He will hold hands and that's about it.

He is retired and lonely and has depression. He doesn't want me to spend more time with him or even to talk to him around here. He gets very cranky when I do. He often tells me to go somewhere else. He thinks it's his turn to have the place to himself and he wants me gone. ( He should have it to himself for 40 years and clean house, do laundry and raise 4 kids while having it to himself. )
The other day he was mad and told me to go somewhere so I did and he was on his own for his dinner. I think he skipped it. (he can't cook and there were no leftovers) I was gone for several hours shopping. Maybe he'll think twice before he tells me that again. I know he didn't sleep much at all that night. I wonder if he realized how hurtful his statements are?

Yes, great idea! I remember a time once before when I had to do that. I used to tell myself often that he was being an _____ and what I was doing was ok. Self talk that also involves blowing off what he is trying to do. I hope I can make this work for me again. Sometimes though, I just get mad and then we start another round of arguing and his pouting.

Susan, I am so sorry your going through this yet again.
I think the thing you need to do is say... " I am me, I wll be me, and he cant stop me"

It is from one of the poems you gave me in a book once.

Maybe I should find it again and post it just for you.
We are who we make ourselves not what others want of us

{{{{{{Susan}}}}}}}}

Just remember that you are entitled to do something good for YOU. Try not to let his negativity affect your pleasure in having your own business. My husband is the same way and we have problems because of it as well.

Take care.

Mary Alice

You sure are getting mixed messages. Has he had a check up? The crankyness might be something more. Hang in there Lady. Lots of love,

susan, when my photography started receiving national recognition, my husband totally lost it. said it made him angry...i was succeeding and he wasn't. (he had three specialities) i let him beat me down about it and i quit contributing to the photography world.....then when i spent all of those years making $$$$$ on the feeder steers, he wasn't reporting it and my social security really reflects it now. i was giving him all of the paperwork and i guess he just threw it away or reported it as his income.

it's HIS insecurity and his anger and negativity. it isn't yours. i wish i had known then what i know now about my ex........resurrect what you can of your self-esteem, ignore him and develop more interests away from him. he can change, if he wants to. but he has to own his problems and quit acting as if you're the villian.

i really, really feel for you........it sucks.....big time!! love, pat

((((((((Susan))))))))

I totally understand where you are at. I was married to a man who couldn't stand whatever I did or did not do. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Either I worked too many hours and he had to sit with the kids, or I wasn't paid enough money, or the boss was a jerk, or I wasn't there to stare at him or listen to him or watch him drink himself into oblivion every moment.

I too tried my hardest to find a balance and to please him. It took a long time for me to realize that there was never a happy medium and nothing I did or said would make the problem go away. After awhile, I learned to turn a deaf ear to his ramblings and rantings. I did what I had to do to take care of the family in the best way I could and I refused to feel guilty about it.

I know that leaving is not an option for you. The only thought I have is that maybe in some way you can include him in your work and leisure time to help him feel he has a part in it. Maybe that will help him except what you are doing. I don't know if that is an option for the two of you or not.

I wish I had more words of wisdom, but alas, my wisdom walked out years ago....LOL

Hugssssssssss
J

Hi Ozzie,

You have received so many posts about this, I am not even going to look at them, probably because, in one way or another, they may say the same thing I will.

It sounds as though he may be a little jealousy/envious about your time spent elsewhere and on other things that are not directly related to him. I sometimes, feel the same about those that care about me. It is only out of fear of abandonment - that these new and exciting things that you do takes away from the time that he wants (or feels he needs) from you.

Just out of curiousity, have you ever tried including him (even when he says he doesn't want to be?) in these new adventures? Sometimes, allowing him to feel that you really NEED him to do some things in order to continue your pursuits is enough to make him feel a part of.

Just a thought....

I always feel left out of many new adventures that my friends, family, boyfriend start, because they never seem to NEED or want my help. And whether or not they actually do, is not the point. I just feel like I am mostly in the way at that point and don't know how to respond, except through passive-agressive responses, like your husband seems to be doing.

AS