[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Today was my anniversary of sorts, 23 months to the day since going off all benzos and other psych meds. I am truly surprised that I have survived. I would not say that I am better off in lots of ways. Guess that's my glass is half empty philosophy.

I am clearer headed, though I don't like what I see and hear a lot! I was on them off and on for 36 years if I am to be completely honest. The last 23 years was more intense due to being on klonopin, that stuff is a special kind of poison, in my humble opinion

Lots of things seem like I am experiencing them for the first time. Movies that I have seen many times seem brand new. My brain is really strange to me now. Certainly is not normal, which brings to mind all I have read seems to promise that it will return to some sense of normalcy. If so, it is a long time coming.

I have decided finally that whether it benefits me or not, I plan to see a neurologist. At least maybe he would do some brain scans for my many symptoms. Such as constant ringing in the ears, daily head aches with tingling and burning, dizziness and feeling unbalanced. Too many to list!

Physically my body has gone from being out of shape to a train wreck. I think due to severe anxiety keeping me from being active. I now have heart issues I think, but many in prolonged withdrawals say the same thing about their health.

I posted a quote from another fellow sufferer on a benzo withdrawal support site that basically stated that she was 4 years out from stopping benzos and still felt very ill and like things were not getting better but worse. She is clinging to the glimmer of hope that it will improve. Praying and hoping! I would say I am there also.

It is rather scary and discouraging to go to that support site, so many there seem even worse off than I! Perish the thought! It is truly incredible. I do wish for death quite a bit, even though that is truly not what I want. However I do not want to keep living like this either!

I suppose I should be happy that the 23 months are behind me and count them as a big success. I should be, but it just does not feel like I have succeeded at anything, merely survived. Cue the dramatic music...

Did you feel stigmatized or was there another reason for stopping? You don't have to answer that of course.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

A doctor took me off it cold turkey, he did this before ever meeting me. I decided to stick with it, obviously having no idea of what was to come and for how long!

Its not really an option or a good idea to go back on it now. I could never risk having to go through acute withdrawals again. Talk about night terrors!

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

A doctor took me off it cold turkey, he did this before ever meeting me. I decided to stick with it, obviously having no idea of what was to come and for how long!

Its not really an option or a good idea to go back on it now. I could never risk having to go through acute withdrawals again. Talk about night terrors!

OMG that's awful. It happened to me once. Klonopin and Effexor XR at the same time. I wanted to do physical harm to that doctor. He deserved it. Yours does too.

[possum220]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

A doctor took me off it cold turkey, he did this before ever meeting me. I decided to stick with it, obviously having no idea of what was to come and for how long!

Its not really an option or a good idea to go back on it now. I could never risk having to go through acute withdrawals again. Talk about night terrors!

How can a doctor tell you to go hard turkey? He is a fool. That would have been extremely hard. I'm sorry that you are still experiencing hardship. My p'doc it tapering me off klonolpin. Its early days. I stopped taking cold turkey years ago and it only took me one to to be walking into walls - literally.

I hope you do find something that can give you some joy in your life, in whatever form it comes.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I was in a hospital for depression, wrongly committed so I had no choice but to go cold turkey. No amount of money could have gotten me another klonopin. I was in lock up basically with no rights. My blood pressure soared to 220/120, that is stroke level. At least I got put on propranolol, and am still on it.

I think that doctor was a sadist, no kidding. He was famous for doing that to patients, some had seizures and had to go to another hospital for treatment. Being a health care worker myself, I knew what a joke for a doctor he was and we had words, many times while I was at that so called "mental health" treatment center. He released me early, but not before threatening to sue me for defamation of character, and said he would report me to DHEC, claiming that I bought and sold klonopin illegally! I must have rattled his cage, huh?

I have an attorney waiting to file charges against him and the doctors responsible for my situation. However, I do lack a lot of funds and mostly the kahunas, if you get my meaning, to go through with it all. I need to get both. That doctor needs to be called on the carpet for all his misdeeds. Seriously.

I've had another sleepless night, feeling wound up so tight for no reason, maybe it was from talking about this or the half a coke I drank. The torture is endless with this. It's hard to not think that I am being punished for something I did wrong in my life through all this. Do I deserve it? Maybe. I do have to believe that one day I will get some peace and will finally rest.

[Wounded Phoenix]

I am on day 4 of being off of klonopin. I have been on it for the past 15 years. I tapered down over the last 2 months from 1.5mg to .250 for the past few weeks. I believe I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms the past few weeks at .250 so I just decided that I might as well quit last Thursday. I have been experiencing anxiety, restlessness, agitation, nausea, light headed, and crying spells. So far today I have been ok except for slight nausea and a weak feeling. Looking forward to the day that I can say that I have been off klonopin for 23 months!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by Wounded Phoenix

I am on day 4 of being off of klonopin. I have been on it for the past 15 years. I tapered down over the last 2 months from 1.5mg to .250 for the past few weeks. I believe I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms the past few weeks at .250 so I just decided that I might as well quit last Thursday. I have been experiencing anxiety, restlessness, agitation, nausea, light headed, and crying spells. So far today I have been ok except for slight nausea and a weak feeling. Looking forward to the day that I can say that I have been off klonopin for 23 months!

Hugs and good luck to you! I truly feel for you. There is the support site online which is very active. When I was at my worst, I could not handle all the controversy. It's the one that starts with benzo and ends with buddies.

There are thousands upon thousands on that site and they are all hurting, angry and sick. It's a tough gig! I go back to visit occasionally, it helps a little to read success stories but it can be very discouraging to read stories from the people in protracted withdrawal, more than 18 months off according to them. So if you decided to check it out, proceed cautiously at your own risk.

Everyone's experiences are completely different so try not to adopt the "I'm going to be this way forever" attitude. It is easy to get into that mind set. I remind myself that every new day is an opportunity to have a better day.

If I can help you in any way let me know.

Wow. I wanted to say "congratulations" until I read the list of symptoms you are experiencing..

I have been taking klonopin for 15 years and would like to stop, but I'm afraid of the withdrawal effects. I have depression, anxiety, sleep problems, and chronic pain problems and feel like I'm just barely hanging in there now.

I am curious about some of the nutritional supplements that are sold to help with withdrawal from psych drugs. Are we allowed to mention that kind of thing on this site? Today is my first day to post on these forums. I'll give it a try. There's a site that has "neuro" and "solutions" and "genetic" in its name that you might want to look at.

I've taken 5-HTP and l-theanine for sleep, and they worked as well as Ambien for me.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back to taking Klonopin at this point. I hope you can find some relief from other sources: supplements, massage, acupuncture, yoga - these are all good and can be very powerful.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thanks Jo thorne.

Some days with this are unbelievably difficult. I've been to a heart specialist just recently. However, lately I am having lots of feelings like my heart is fluttering and just struggling to work right. There are symptoms that seem like it is failing. If I don't take the propranolol every 12 hours, I will have really bad palpitations and feel very anxious. This is not normal at all.

The heart specialist did not think there was anything to be concerned about or test. However, I feel so much like something is really wrong with me physically. Like being so wound up 24 hours a day nonstop is going to cause me to have a stroke. I have some really strange feelings that are scary.

The point of getting off klonopin was to improve my life, not make it worse. I definitely feel way worse, but don't know what the answer is. It is really hard for me to function normally and do the things I want to without feeling super anxious or exhausted. Things are just not right with me, I know this!

Tired of feeling like hell all the time!!!

[*Laurie*]

ForeverLonelyGirl, I don't know you, but I feel like I do...I am applauding you for making it for 23 months - CONGRATULATIONS!

I've been on Klonpin for 20 years, want desperately to come off it, but have had zero support from my psychiatrists as far as a structured program for coming off the stuff. Do you remember when benzos were THE THING...every MD was handing them out like candy on Halloween...it was like anyone with the least bit of anxiety was EXPECTED to take a benzo. And now when we come up with these terrible, terrifying physical addictions to benzos we're kicked out in the street by p-docs.

[Pikku Myy]

I was so messed up last year when I came off... I can't even remember. Just happy to hear you are doing well Hugs

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

Thanks Jo thorne.

Some days with this are unbelievably difficult. I've been to a heart specialist just recently. However, lately I am having lots of feelings like my heart is fluttering and just struggling to work right. There are symptoms that seem like it is failing. If I don't take the propranolol every 12 hours, I will have really bad palpitations and feel very anxious. This is not normal at all. !!!

Do you have a good internist (preferably) or family practice doctor? It sounds like the withdrawal is being really hard on multiple body systems and it would be good to have someone to keep an eye on your overall health.

Concerned about you! (And feeling even less eager to try my klonopin taper again!)

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Do you have a good internist (preferably) or family practice doctor? It sounds like the withdrawal is being really hard on multiple body systems and it would be good to have someone to keep an eye on your overall health.

Concerned about you! (And feeling even less eager to try my klonopin taper again!)

I have an internist, but not a very good one in my opinion. Not kidding, she sent me to a podiatrist for a reddened toenail that was giving me trouble. Any problem whatsoever she sends me to a specialist and does not attempt to even patch anything up. My cardiologist thought it was strange that she did not even give me a fluid pill for swelling. I have to find another doctor!

Thanks for your concern. I am not sure what is withdrawal and what is or is not real heart symptoms. Many, many people on the support site for benzowithdrawal say that they have symptoms of all sorts of maladies that go away after this is all over. That is what I am hoping for. This is sort of a hurry up and wait kind of feeling. I want it to hurry up and get done! Just have to wait it out it seems.

Sorry if I discouraged you about going off. I am not the best person to advise you about it, I would like to think that we are better for going off but at this point I am just not sure.

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

Sorry if I discouraged you about going off. I am not the best person to advise you about it, I would like to think that we are better for going off but at this point I am just not sure.

No, it's not a bad thing! I haven't permanently given up the idea of going off. I just think it's more realistic if I get my mental health and life in better shape before trying it.

[SnakeCharmer]

Hey, ForeverGirl, surviving benzo withdrawal for 23 months and staying motivated to keep going is a big deal. You feel sick most of the time, it goes right down to the marrow of you bones. And still you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and avoiding the easy out of doctor shopping and going back to where you were 23 months ago. That takes courage and strength, which you might not even know you have when you feel so lousy. But you do. Congratulations on hard work.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Hey, ForeverGirl, surviving benzo withdrawal for 23 months and staying motivated to keep going is a big deal. You feel sick most of the time, it goes right down to the marrow of you bones. And still you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and avoiding the easy out of doctor shopping and going back to where you were 23 months ago. That takes courage and strength, which you might not even know you have when you feel so lousy. But you do. Congratulations on hard work.

Thanks so much and for your continued support..

Speaking of taking the easy out, doctor shopping and going back to being on klonopin is not necessarily the easy way out. It is humiliating to have to ask for a med that you may or may not get from a doctor. I suffered a lot of shame and humiliation from doctors, the love to shame someone for being on the drug for a long time and especially if they think you are doctor shopping. Even though they are the ones that put you on the crap, they turn around and shame you for trying to continue to obtain it. Even though they truly do know the pain of withdrawal. It seems like a cruel joke that they play on people.

I went through lots of bad times also at mental health centers for the same thing. They loved to use withholding as punitive measures for any infraction or otherwise known as just trying to get a refill!

At least now I have the power over my own body. I choose not to take a drug regulated by such tyrannical a-holes...excuse the language. I could never go through all that again. It makes no sense really why they freely give you the meds to begin with but later shame you and make you feel incompetent for continuing to take it...because you have to! Rather twisted.

Yes I feel bad 95% of the time physically, I don't even know what is happening with my body any more. I take symptoms with a grain of salt, hoping they pass and that they are a strange manifestation of withdrawal symptoms. It is really crazy. Not only do you feel sick physically but so, so crazy and unstable at times. Always in fear of losing it and becoming psychotic. I'm still having strange hallucinations when half asleep. What does that tell you about how the brain works. Almost 2 years off and the hallucinations have only come about in the last 3 months! I do pray that they cease.

One symptom that I hope is from the withdrawal is my completely negative outlook towards life and myself. My internal dialogue is quite disturbing. I try not to reveal it, even here. I have once or twice and get some very strange and/or alarming responses.

Tirade over, for now!