[InvestmentBankingPl]

I am 21 female and have not had any friends for 10 years. I am high achieving and am scoring really highly in my degree in Economics at LSE. It is not the work that is getting me down, it is companionship. When I was at school I cared but not as much about not having any friends because I was the highest performing so I saw it as necessary to my success. Now I am at university my peers around me all have social lives and boyfriends and I so it hurts more now. I tried making friends but seem to have a perpetual block for the last 10 years. I don't think I will kill myself - a desire for success and my family and my dog are protective factors. What should I do?

I used to snort cocaine every week or so when I was 11-14. I have been clean of everything inc alcohol and cigarettes for last 7 years.

A psychiatrist noticed at a play group when I was 6 I seemed not to look at other kids and not know what to do.

[InvestmentBankingPl]

*seemed to look at other kids and not know what to do.

[InvestmentBankingPl]

* My last sentence is incorrect, it should read: - "I looked at other kids but did not know what to do"

[gayleggg]

Do you have any hobbies outside of your career? Maybe you could look into doing something you enjoy and meet others with the same interest. There are a lot of meet up groups these days with varied areas of interest. Just a thought. I don't have many friends either, just one that shares my passion for quilting.

[InvestmentBankingPl]

Does anyone ever actually make friends by starting a hobby? I don't enjoy hobbies as you do not get anywhere. If I am hobbying away my grades may suffer. I did use to do hobbies - Tae Kwan Do - but never made any friends.

The problem is, even if I go to a club, I cannot make friends. During freshers week, then the next one as I am in my second year of University, I could not make friends. In my learning group I have not made friends. I see on Facebook other people have.

It seems as if it is something too fundamental to my personality how ever hard I try, and believe me I try.

Sorry

[InvestmentBankingPl]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Do you have any hobbies outside of your career? Maybe you could look into doing something you enjoy and meet others with the same interest. There are a lot of meet up groups these days with varied areas of interest. Just a thought. I don't have many friends either, just one that shares my passion for quilting.

I have no hobbies. If I hobby away then my grades may suffer.

The thing is, I am not interested in any hobby. You spend hours on something non-productive.

I did have hobbies. I used to do Tae Kwon Do, Piano, Netball. I never made any friends. I tried to make friends. I can't make friends.

I am in my second year at University. People in my learning groups have made friends as I see them on Facebook. I can't seem to make friends whether it be through University, Work (I was employed prior to uni) or Hobbies.

It is as if it is something fundemental to my personality.

congratulations on your high marks.

that is something to be proud of
i do agree with the hobbies thing.. is their a club near where you live you can go to meet other people who enjoy the same things as you

I don't really agree with the outside hobby thing…if you really want to excel, your career needs to be your hobby. Basically, it needs to be something you're that passionate about. At some point, after you've put in all the work, you'll have some extra time to maybe explore other things if you so choose.

I'm in a similar position. I didn't socialize during my masters and I accomplished so much more than if I had. I'm now working on my doctorate and have a boyfriend now. I sometimes wonder if I'd get more work done if I didn't, but I have experienced many things and learned many things that would help me in my future life/career so ultimately it's worth it. Even if I'm now only producing the amount of work of one person instead of several. The way I met him and connected with him is because he's also getting his doctorate in the same career field. It would probably be the most beneficial to make acquaintances (and hopefully friends) within your peer group/career field. Now I'm not 100% sure how to go about that because the connections I've made were pure luck and based off the persistence of the other person. It's apparently difficult to get close to me. Perhaps it's the same with you.

And I didn't connect with many people in undergrad either. I really doubt everyone actually has a social life. They just like to make it look that way. And while they're wasting their time, you're getting your work done.

Or perhaps go to grad school someday if it would be useful for your career. You'll finally be surrounded by peers who are your intellectual equals and it might be easier to connect (when you have the time). It's really nice.

[-jimi-]

Making friends is really two things. People think it is meeting the "right" people and start connecting with them, as if connecting always comes naturally. There are people who have "friends", people they see a lot, but they never feel connected to them so they feel lonely anyway. To have friendship you don't only need to find someone, you must also feel connected to them.

It is nothing you can force, but something you can work with. Some people have issues that are possible to bypass knowing yourself enough.

[jaynedough]

Hi, Investment...
Welcome to PC. I, too, have poor socialization skills. One thing that I've found helpful is taking my dog places. People focus on her alot (she's very pettable) and their interest in her makes conversation easier. And petting her is soothing to me when I'm in a bad emotional place.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, since you have a dog, maybe taking it to a dog park or pet store would help you meet people. It's most likely not going to be intellectually charged conversation, but it's a great way to meet and interact with others.

[avlady]

i am sorry for your situation. do you have high expectations about the people you want to associate with? maybe people don't feel they are good enough for you or can't live up to your standards? you sound professional and state you are smart, sometimes smart people are hard to make friends with. i hope this helps.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by InvestmentBankingPl

I am 21 female and have not had any friends for 10 years. I am high achieving and am scoring really highly in my degree in Economics at LSE. It is not the work that is getting me down, it is companionship. When I was at school I cared but not as much about not having any friends because I was the highest performing so I saw it as necessary to my success. Now I am at university my peers around me all have social lives and boyfriends and I so it hurts more now. I tried making friends but seem to have a perpetual block for the last 10 years. I don't think I will kill myself - a desire for success and my family and my dog are protective factors. What should I do?

I used to snort cocaine every week or so when I was 11-14. I have been clean of everything inc alcohol and cigarettes for last 7 years.

A psychiatrist noticed at a play group when I was 6 I seemed not to look at other kids and not know what to do.

From all you have posted here, it seems that you want to primarily focus on your work and advancing yourself, not finding or making friends. Being career oriented is admirable, but won't find you many friends.

I think what Gayleggg was suggesting was a hobby that included socialization, for example a ski club. My friend has been in a group that focused on snow skiing. I know that is specific but she has had friends from that group for years and met her husband there. So just playing piano or doing the martial arts type hobby is not necessarily very social. Also a hobby is something you ENJOY! It does not have to be productive. Its value is simply that and possibly the bonus of finding a friend or two.

Just my observation is that you seem to discount any ideas given you right away. I know my son is highly intelligent and would be the same way. He has no social life either. I have trouble making friends too, even though I do try. Being open to suggestions here is the only way to start to get help or heal, or find friends.

[einsam]

I'm in the same position, though my education isn't as rigorous and I'm mostly focused on battling depression and getting valuable experience in fields I like. I pretty much just socialize with my instructors, people online, and occasionally my family, but I feel like I'd be more motivated and happy if I had at least one person to enjoy a break for dinner with once in awhile instead of retiring to yet more time among books or at the computer. Going days without hearing a human voice that isn't on YouTube sometimes is not healthy for me.

I get along with people and can make them smile, so I don't think my personality is simply unpleasant. I don't have a lot of time or funds for traveling to meetup groups scattered all over the metro area, especially the ones that don't have a real schedule for meeting. Meeting friends online hasn't gotten me results, either. The only option that still holds some weight is forming my own group on campus and trying to advertise it to like minds.

Originally Posted by avlady

i am sorry for your situation. do you have high expectations about the people you want to associate with? maybe people don't feel they are good enough for you or can't live up to your standards? you sound professional and state you are smart, sometimes smart people are hard to make friends with. i hope this helps.

I've been told this very thing by someone else: my intelligence is intimidating. I think it sounds like the kind of excuse that comes from a kid, that they're just too cool and smart for all their peers. Maybe it's true, though.

Either way, I find it sad that people will use smart people to fix their problems (computers, etc), but avoid them if they don't have a use for them.

What does it say about our culture that people who reflect and write in complete sentences are intimidatingly intelligent... ? It's not like I've ever been to a chess competition or am studying to be an aerospace engineer.

[marmaduke]

Just wondering, are you an only child?
How to socialize with others starts early, if your parents didn't mix much maybe you never learnt to make friends?
My mother didn't like company, never let anyone in the house I was a lonely, shy kid. As a teen I longed for mates, to be popular it was hard. To make friends didn't come naturally to me.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

It seems to me that you feel something is not right about your life. If that is what you feel you are probably right. I suggest you use your obvious intelligence and analytical skills ot look into this. Assuring yourself could be crucial to your future. Universities have counsellors - speak to them perhaps?

[NOS-NOS]

I don't have many friends, or close friends for that matter. I am married and have a family though, and I find most of my friends were originally my wife's friends. I'm significantly older than you and I have difficulty connecting to new people and making friends. I think part of my issue is that I have considerable social anxiety and this makes me not want to connect to others out of fear of rejection....so most of the time I just try to "act normal" so nobody picks up on my anxiety. That said, the friends I did have growing up (I had small circles of friends), turned out not to be right for me so I burned those bridges. I just haven't yet figured out how to build new bridges, I can have plenty of acquaintances, just no close friends really....or maybe I have a high standard of closeness. Then again, I believe I am INTJ so I really don't like people or social interactions lol

[Lost_in_Phoenix]

Investment - Hey. I'm dealing with the same thing. Based on the psychiatrist's assessment when you were little, I would guess that you're just naturally anxious in new social settings. A lot of people are like that, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your personality. And you chose to dive into your studies and career ambitions because that was likely a lot more comfortable for you than having to break through the social anxiety. If you're sober now, have you tried 12-step meetings? That kind of thing? Maybe that's an option.

[nicoleflynn]

There is an old saying...in order to HAVE a friend you have to BE a friend..cliche...I know, but true. School is important, but emotional intelligence is even MORE important.

You might try volunteering......at a shelter or retirement home, where the elderly (a lot of them) have no one........that puts things in perspective....Once we take ourselves out of ourselves....

There are s o many people who need love and compassion on the planet....people respond to others who they feel are "safe" people those who present themselves as authentic, etc.......showing an interest in someone....asking questions about that person.....a good beginning to making a friend.

P.S. I am concerned about your comment about not......killing yourself.....it sounds as if your "desire for success"" outweighs your wish to be social or make a friend? Counseling might help.

[InvestmentBankingPl]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Just wondering, are you an only child?
How to socialize with others starts early, if your parents didn't mix much maybe you never learnt to make friends?
My mother didn't like company, never let anyone in the house I was a lonely, shy kid. As a teen I longed for mates, to be popular it was hard. To make friends didn't come naturally to me.

I think you have a point.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I don't really agree with the outside hobby thing…if you really want to excel, your career needs to be your hobby. Basically, it needs to be something you're that passionate about. At some point, after you've put in all the work, you'll have some extra time to maybe explore other things if you so choose.

I'm in a similar position. I didn't socialize during my masters and I accomplished so much more than if I had. I'm now working on my doctorate and have a boyfriend now. I sometimes wonder if I'd get more work done if I didn't, but I have experienced many things and learned many things that would help me in my future life/career so ultimately it's worth it. Even if I'm now only producing the amount of work of one person instead of several. The way I met him and connected with him is because he's also getting his doctorate in the same career field. It would probably be the most beneficial to make acquaintances (and hopefully friends) within your peer group/career field. Now I'm not 100% sure how to go about that because the connections I've made were pure luck and based off the persistence of the other person. It's apparently difficult to get close to me. Perhaps it's the same with you.

And I didn't connect with many people in undergrad either. I really doubt everyone actually has a social life. They just like to make it look that way. And while they're wasting their time, you're getting your work done.

Or perhaps go to grad school someday if it would be useful for your career. You'll finally be surrounded by peers who are your intellectual equals and it might be easier to connect (when you have the time). It's really nice.

I have a feeling people make there social lives out better than they are, but because I have gone for so long, throughout my teenage years etc without any friends I still find this difficult because at least they have experienced it at some point.

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

It seems to me that you feel something is not right about your life. If that is what you feel you are probably right. I suggest you use your obvious intelligence and analytical skills ot look into this. Assuring yourself could be crucial to your future. Universities have counsellors - speak to them perhaps?

I think I might visit a councellor after my exams.

Thanks guys. The problem is I don't know where to start, I have acquaintences at uni but I just end up going quiet with them, and don't really enjoy my time with them and never have any acquaintances as I always go quiet by accident no matter how hard I try and I can see in peoples body language they find me awkward and get fed up with me - although I am not awkward in the nerdy or lacking skill way - in the drifting off and detaching from people and suddenly I find myself quiet and on the side line with people looking at me strangely - then I get embarrassed. I don't think it is an attention problem though, just some wierd personality quirk of mine maybe I am Schizoid or something. I also eventually run out of things to say. TBH, I cannot be bothered with friends I'll just start dating and try to find a partner