[DePressMe]

I am not sure where to post this but…

Yesterday, in class another student said, “whether you want to admit it or not, all of us here are a child of privilege.” The comment made me a little angry. I did not respond because I have learned not to speak out of anger. However, not responding to it has left me a little frustrated with myself and the class.

I come from poverty—better known as white trailer trash. Most of my family has not graduated from high school. Needless to say I am the first and only person in my family to go to college. As a teen I was a child prostitute on the streets doing what I needed to do to survive. I decided I wanted something more out of life. I fought alcoholism and drug addiction and went back to school. I spent 2 years at a junior college learning math and English just so I could qualify to get into a university as a freshman. I have battled my way through the university—working fulltime and having no support from my family—feeling like I am different and don’t belong at a university.

Saying I am a “child of privilege” discounts everything I have done to overcome my past. Saying that everybody in the class is a “child of privilege” implies people like me don’t belong or can’t make it. I would rather be known as a reformed prostitute and alcoholic/drug addict than a “child of privilege.” The moment for me to say something in class has past. That is unfortunate because students need to know that people like me can and do make it through the university. Sometimes we are sitting right next to them and they don’t even know it. I admit, now that I have a college degree I have certain privileges that were once out of my reach, but that will never change who I am or where I have been. We should not perpetuate the idea that only the privileged make it through the university.

So, today, I am frustrated with myself for not speaking out.

[mollydaisy]

Good for you... You should have spoken up about your past, you may have been surprised that you aren't the only one who has overcome adversity.
Stay the course!

[Liberada]

Now see... This is where my lack experience in therapy, anger issues and perimenopausal hormonal imbalance will show:

I would have bich slapped the little sht and probably end up arrested.

[sabby]

Well now, wasn't that an incredibly short sighted thing for someone to say??? And very presumptious to boot!

I too have a problem with saying whats on my mind when I become angered at something. Thinking about it after the fact, I always come up with something good to say, but never at the time when I need it. I know how frustrating that can be.

All I can say is this....consider the source, know that not everyone in your class feels that way, it was just one persons ignorant view on the world.

Hugssssss
J

[(JD)]

I am glad you didn't speak up...yet... because you might have spoken out of anger rather than putting the person straight with well phrased wording...which you can do now..or next time.

Perhaps, from a wider view, he is thinking you are privileged in that you are in college... because (as you know) not everyone gets to go there... there are plenty of places in the world where no matter how smart we are or how hard we work...there just isn't any college available?

I really do think you need to give this person your perspective on his use of the term "privilege"...it sounds like he's reevaluating his place in society and it would be a good lesson for him?

I admire you for your struggles and how you have overcome them. I'm sorry the road has been so rough for you. TC

[Raynaadi]

I agree, I'd think that being in college is definetely a privilege. Maybe that was what he was referring to? Not necessarily a priviledged upbringing, but a priviledged "present".

I too am very proud of you for pulling yourself out and getting into college. Whoo hooo! I have to say I'd call you priviledged too. Priviledged in the NOW though, not in the past.

[January]

DePress,

You are such an inspiration! Hurray for you.

I, too, am the first of all my relatives to earn a degree and I payed an incredible price in time, work, jobs, etc. to get there. It means a lot more when you have to work for it.

Your story reminds me of something that happened while I was in class. I was working three jobs and taking care of my Mom, and another family member. I made the top grade in a class. The two that got the worst scores were drinking alcohol in class and blurted out that they were sure, ( The prof put the curve on the blackboard.), the person who made the top score was some pampered housewife who had nothing to do but sit and eat bonbons all day and that they had more responsibilities than that person could ever imagine.

I didn't say anything. They were busy throwing up in the bathroom during class break. It wasn't worth it.

Anyway, this is long winded and I'm sorry for that, but you are an inspiration to one and all. I wish they would do a story on you in your college's newspaper.

Hugs,

Jan

> Saying I am a “child of privilege” discounts everything I have done to overcome my past. Saying that everybody in the class is a “child of privilege” implies people like me don’t belong or can’t make it. I would rather be known as a reformed prostitute and alcoholic/drug addict than a “child of privilege.”

I hear what you are saying and I think it might well be the case that there is a little scale of degree and that you and he were thinking on different portions of it.

I hear where you are coming from with respect to having a sucky upbringing. i lived in a social welfare home for a while and i have some understanding of struggling with drug and alchohol issues...

i'm not sure whether you have heard this said...

that the poorest in the USA are richer than the majority of the population in the world.

that the availability of drinking water makes you privaledged.

and so on.

matter of degree. i get what you mean... but i really do think that if you consider the child born with AIDS who doesn't have clean drinking water or anything to eat then it might be a little easier to take the point that you did indeed have a privaledged upbringing in some respects (though perhaps not all).

and so it can be true at the very same time that sure you are a reformed drug addict and pro but you are also privaledged in certain respects. though there are salient people (especially in a university setting) who are of course more privaledged than us (in some respects).

[DePressMe]

Thanks everybody for the support. I think one thing that got to me is that she is a child of privilege--has money and such--more than I 'll ever have. Her story is a story of a "normal" childhood and a "normal" house. Maybe I am a little jealous....I don't know. All and all, it does not really matter. What she thinks is not important--I have more important things to worry about--like graduating. I am glad you all are here--you make me feel better. thanks.

hey. you know... the very same thing would have gotten to me. i would have felt angry and a little jealous too. i really do have no earthly idea what she meant, but yeah, it gets to me that people don't appreciate how much they have in life. but then... i often forget that too :-( yay graduating :-) are you graduating soon?

I think if you would have opened up and told your story than it may have given you a hard time in the after math. They didn't need to know your business anyway. If you had "passed" as a child of privilege than you must have fit right in with those who were raised "normally". That speaks volumes about how you're able to conduct yourself in spite of not having a normal or privileged past and your not speaking out of anger is apart of that common sence mechanism that made that/those person/people assume that you were one of them. That's not a bad thing. I think the people who ARE at the place you came from need to know your story moreso than the people who've already had made it to the university anyway.
PS. KUDOS!!!! You did great!!!

[DePressMe]

Yeah, soon I won't have to worry about it. I graduate June 1st...if I can get all my work done.

[(JD)]

so what are you spending all your time here for??? go get your work done! Congrats !

[withit]

Jax, , very well said!

> I graduate June 1st...if I can get all my work done.

woo hoo!!!!!

:-)

[January]

Hurray for Alexandra and DePressed!!!!!!!!!!!



Hugs,

Jan

[Juliana]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
DePressMe said:
Saying I am a “child of privilege” discounts everything I have done to overcome my past. Saying that everybody in the class is a “child of privilege” implies people like me don’t belong or can’t make it. I would rather be known as a reformed prostitute and alcoholic/drug addict than a “child of privilege.”

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I understand why you're frustrated that you didn't speak out. I hope you're incredibly proud of everything you have accomplished, though. Some people do believe that only the privileged do (and deserve to) go to university.

I haven't gone through nearly as much adversity as you, but I was the first person in my very large extended family to get a university degree. I went to an "elite" college and was surrounded by children of privilege. I supposed I consider myself "privileged" in that I had the drive, determination and intelligence to get through university, but it's a struggle for those of us who don't have the financial backing of our parents. I think we appreciate our accomplishments more, though, because we work for them and earn them in a different way.

Congratulations!

[DePressMe]

Thanks everybody. I just love those active little icons...I still have not atempted to put them in a post. Okay, I'll try it here..this little guy is my favorite. Lets see if it works.

[Calm]

Hi DPM,

You've come far, and I bet you wouldn't let anything stop you from getting your work completed now. Keep up the good work.

[DePressMe]

In an email another member here reminded me of this thread. I came back to read it and in some ways it is still one of the hardest challenges I face in my personal develop/ therapy/actualization.

“…people like me don’t belong” in college. It is not the other peoples’ perception of me that is the problem. It is my own feelings of low self worth, lack of self respect and my inability to accept my own accomplishments. I am the problem—they don’t even realize I am not one of them—that I am not a “privileged child.”

I feel like I am in limbo because I don’t always identify with these people. I still have thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that come from my past. My past experience has shaped who I am today. And yet, I have changed so much that I no longer fit in with my past (alcoholic trailer trash) but still don’t feel like I fit in with the “privileged.” Its like there are 2 worlds and I am in between them—not quite a full citizen of either one.

Sometimes, I feel like I am living the life of an imposter. That they are going to discover who I really am and then, they will boot me out of their privileged world. That is scary because I have already stepped out of my old world and once you step out there is no going back. I will be all alone. I will have failed.

I am sorry if I am kinda repeating myself---I am still struggling with this.

One more thing that makes me feel like I don’t fit in with the people around me is my mental illnesses. Like they are normal and I am not. And since I will probably have these illnesses forever, I will never fit in…

Does anybody else ever feel like they don’t fit in? Why? Do you still feel that way? How did you “fix” it?

DePressMe: I, too, want to extend congrats on everything you have overcome. I come from a relatively weathy family, but my mother had bipolar &amp; was an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic, too. I was sent away to an exclusive boarding school after my mother committed suicide. I was 15 &amp; started drinking, drugging, etc.

I did attempt to go to college, but I couldn't take the stress (I have bipolar also) &amp; attempted suicide &amp; had to drop out. I do feel inferior to people who have good educations &amp; are not mentally ill. Even though I'm on meds that generally work well, I still have bouts of irrational (even dangerous--ODed last August) behaviors so I really do isolate myself from other people &amp; I get pretty lonely.

I do have one person from my support group that I talk to on the phone occassionally &amp; she really understands as she is biploar, too.

So if you are "passing" as a normal, together young lady you are doing really well &amp; should feel proud of all you've overcome. Despite your mental illness (don't know your dx), you have managed to accomplish a lot--even more than some people who haven't had so many obstacles to overcome. Take care. Study hard.--Suzy P.S. I wouldn't reveal my background to people in general if I were you. People are very judgemental &amp; there is a lot of stigma to being mentally ill &amp; coming from not the best circumstances. That is your private business &amp; I think should only be revealed to those people you really trust--not the general public, especially if you are at one of those "elite" schools where money &amp; prestige can be very important. Not that I think that is right, but it is just the way it is. My daughter went to an "elite" college &amp; had to take a medical leave for a semester due to a bad bout of depression.

The school admin. was great &amp; only put on her records that she took a medical leave, not that it was for psychiatric purposes so she could return without that stigma. She had to pretend she had had a physical ailment.

[SecretGarden]

Oh I have spent much of my life not fitting in DePressMe. I have to tell you that I am a child of "priveledge". I think that that is a misleading word. I had a difficult birth and had much difficulty connecting with people. I never felt like I could do anything...had no faith in myself and people did not reach me to help me get out of where I was. I did not know how to get out. I have been in therapy for many years to get out of this place. I was (and still am) a too sensitive soul and was rather a puzzle no one took the time to help me figure it out... but not getting help was probably not that unusual for that time in society. However I wish more attention was given. It was not malicious, just clueless... I keep telling myself it was not malicious.

My parents were well educated and to the outside world I was privledged. My father was an anesthesiologist and my mother went back to school after raising us to get her Psychatry residency under her belt. I did not share how well educated my parents were as I always told myself that I did not want preferencial treatment. In actuality while myself and my sibs are educated to college level on a paid basis. So I was priviledged in that regard. But there were so many difficulties for me with self worth and depression that the priviledge was in my opinion not there. Perhaps it is my problem for not taking better advantage of it but never felt that I could shoot for the stars. I chose a degree in Social Work with Soc and Psych minors as my interests just went there natually like a vining rod... Those majors were my interest but they were also helping me make sense of the world and my brain.

My parents came from the depression era so we had money but we did not realise we had money...cause we were not allowed to spend it... lol... I think people from the depression know where they have been and wish to make sure they will not go there again.

So financial priviledge yes.... emotional privilege and preservation ...not so much.

I feel guilty often for having not done more given the financial priviledge I have had.... no question of the next meal, etc.. I am independent and making it and have an okay job but am not lighting the world on fire. I am perpetually single and overweight and still depressed. These are not my goals for my life and they are being worked on. I have my quirks....and friends.. but friends are often down to earth and off the beaten path. I do not that I am always seen as normal as at work I have intelligence but sadness... I get in my own way....I know this.

You have much to be proud of DPM...and I think that it is true that you will appreciate it so much more having gone this way. I want you to feel better about your successes and all that you have done. You HAVE DONE IT .....

Your priviledge is that you took the first step and the next step and the next step and you have grown to the opportunities that presented themselves to your or that YOU created. You, my dear DePressMe... are what they call the American Dream. You have much to be proud of and in time you may share your story to offer others hope in their struggles to get to where you are today.

Consider the source of the comment. This could be something that she was reminded of by her parents or who knows. If you believe she might merit by your telling her... you might care to. If you feel that she is an elitist... than I would just stay clear.

[Perna]

I think there are lots of situations we don't fit in, especially when we're changing "locations"/situations? I try to remember and remind myself when I'm new to something; a situation or a skill, and let myself be new and not a "member" yet. Think of joining a regular club, the first time you go you don't fit yet, don't know anyone or if you're interested in joining or if they'll have you, etc. Often someone thought you'd enjoy that group (Did a teacher recommend you go to college, see "potential" in you? Where did you get the "idea"?) but maybe they made a mistake, is what runs in my head usually. Or, if I see something I think I want, what if it/they don't want me?

Think about your own children (actual or imagined future ones :-) would you want them to be "children of privilege" and go to college? Would you feel because you worked hard to get where you are they should have to work equally as hard? My husband's sons; he had them get a job in summers to pay as much as their tuition as they could and then he'd make up the rest (they all three dropped out of college). I went to college back in the 60's and early 70's and my parents paid my way (though I had summer jobs each year). My husband had a scholarship and one of my brothers went to an armed forces academy which my stepmother use to hold that up against me (even though women weren't allowed in yet).

I think attitudes are very personal based on one's own experiences but I also think we have "similar" experiences in that whatever we're born into, we have to "leave" and make our own way and I think everyone is a bit insecure doing that. If I watch "rich" people on television, especially kids, I sometimes feel a bit sorry for them because, to a certain extent, it's like a cage and harder to break out of because they aren't taught/don't have to learn to do some things themselves growing up? I sometimes feel sorry for some guys that way too; I was taught to take care of myself and others; do laundry, cook, etc. but some people weren't. I had to take my husband grocery shopping and "teach" him about how to pick fruits, vegetables, meat, etc., things I take for granted. I think the more and wider "experiences" we have, it can be helpful? I think your children of privilege are going to be thrown back upon themselves at some point and may not have the background/stuff to hang in there. It's one thing to have "book" learning and another to have "experience."

I am reminded of the song (I just heard again last week) Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue." :-)

[SecretGarden]

It's one thing to have "book" learning and another to have "experience."

This is very true.

[DePressMe]

I feel like calling my pdoc and telling him to send me back to the psych ward…I want to curl up in a little ball where I am safe…I want to get away from all this, just for a little while.

I am tired of the fight, I am tired of the struggle…I just want to escape.

I might call my pdoc and ask about my meds…I don’t know.

I feel like my life is too much for me right now.