Life In PHP: My experience

IOP: Final Week

Sorry I haven't really updated since last week. Things have been going well in IOP and I officially discharge on Friday.

I'm having mixed emotions about discharging, both nervous and ready. Everyone who has started the program before me, and three people who started after me, have officially gone now, and I have basically an all new group. We're not supposed to compare ourselves but I don't exactly feel bad about my progress/status because I entered the program for a reason. Also, i'm still new learning skills each day which is a big, big plus.

Last week I had a depressive spell, and ended up calling Iris to talk me through it. She was glad that I called and called me back twice to make sure I would be safe/okay to make it through the night.

Saw Joy again, and was prescribed Buspar in addition to the Vistaril because I was doubling up the Vistaril (with permission) and it helped me sleep but at the same time, I feel like my anxiety is rising outside of the four hours I find the Vistaril maybe effective. They said it will take the Buspar some time to actually get in my system, and today is the first day i've taken it, so I should know next week whether or not it is effective. I see her, one last time, tomorrow. She is very genuinely pleased with my progress.

I've been trying to let people in (specifically Lily) and today during group the conversation ended up making me cry. Lily and I talked later about what was triggered, and I was able to kind of share some things that I took months or a year or so to tell T. I didn't go in detail, but she did give me a good talking to and its the first time I was able to really be vulnerable about some of my past stuff. Hopefully this means I will be able to transition into those same topics with T and really address some of the things I've hid away for years. Oddly enough, I feel like I can trust Lily more than T with that level of vulnerability maybe because she's been here for me in a crisis state, or maybe its just the way she is both technique/relational while T seems a bit more relational but less technique. However, Lily talked to T (part of transitioning back) and told me that she asked T to keep up with the skills i've been taught, etc. I love T to pieces, I really do, but I am starting to wonder if we need to back away a little on the relationship and delve more into addressing certain things. I don't know, I guess I'm starting to have fears of leaving a structured environment and falling back into old habits and "comfortable" sessions with T.

I've been integrating back into my job, and it seems to get better each time. Last shift I worked ended up being my first "normal" shift (emotion and behavior wise) that i've had in a long time. Work, and how I react to it, is one of the things that the program is monitoring with me especially this last week.

My suicidal urges have become basically non-existent. I don't know when it changed, but gradually my mood charts that we fill out daily have improved everywhere (suicide, agitation, mood, energy, sleep, etc.) with the exception of panic attacks. I've begun having nightmares, very specific to the past trauma I opened up with Lily about but i'm less afraid to face them now than I would have been before.

I'm really going to miss this program, but I feel okay about leaving. I have the ability to see them weekly after discharge for group (a service for all clients who complete the program) but I don't think I want to engage in that for now at least. I want to begin integrating myself back into the world with a focus on applying my skills, continuing setting goals and affirmations and transitioning back to T (who I've been updating and she's been checking on me, throughout the whole program).

Overall i'm really feeling more stable and okay. I have a lot of work to do which makes me fearful about leaving, but I have the tools to acknowledge and accept that fear without feeling the need to dismiss it or allowing it to consume me - I know that I am capable of doing this.

Anyways, i'm making the most of my last few days and really trying to take in all that I can. It's been such a great program and I seriously think that if I keep up with the healthy mindset and empowerment they have given me that I can really get some control back over my life.

Will update with a final review likely on Friday, after I get discharged.

I'm glad to receive such a good report. (that sounds wrong, but English isn't my native language. Hopefully you get the intent behind the words) It's great that you feel able to handle life once again.

Today, I was officially discharged from day treatment. I kind of feel like ... And repeat. I've learned a lot from the program and now have the task of integrating those skills i've learned into my everyday world.

Thank you so much for going on this journey with me. I don't think I placed enough value on the beauty of PC before. The members here can be such an awesome part of ones support system simply by being willing to just go along for the ride.

Joy and I met once more, and she seems very pleased with my progress. She refilled my celexa that they cancelled, and I ended up crying in her office and telling her how scared I was to leave. But she believes 100% that I am ready, and deep down, I know I am too.

Lily and I had our final session today as well, and she's just amazing. I don't think that anyone can read me as well as she does and I thanked her for being able to hear the words that I can't speak. She is definitely a once in a lifetime special person that I will never forget.

She has recommended as part of follow up, entry into a dbt program. She feels that it is absolutely the best thing I need, and gave me the information for the two we have in our city. She said she didn't put a referral in directly because the one she wants me to attend would involve some financial planning and time requirements, so she asked T to help me kind of review finances and see if I can plan it out. The other program (at the local mental health clinic) she says is still a good program, but much much cheaper - has a four month waiting list. So, she suggests that while i'm trying to figure out financial arrangements, to try to at least get my name on the other list. So, I guess i'll be figuring that out over the next few weeks.

I will be transitioning back to my php in two weeks and will begin seeing a psych nurse practitioner in september for medication management.

I pick up with T, next week. Lily and I had an honest talk, and as much as I love T, I feel like we have lost a bit of professionalism in the relationship. She's awesome, amazing and I know she will be there for me in every way possible BUT I think that in developing that, i've lost a little bit of the trust in her being able to actually "treat" me. Lily says she saw it from the time I walked in - she just didn't tell me; but she did discuss that with her in their consultation and she will put it in her recommendation in the report she gives her. Both she and Joy said that having that conversation with T though, about what specific needs I need to be met and how, will be both empowering and beneficial to T. Its a bit scary because T is the only person i've had to talk to for a very long time and it hurts to think that I need to take a step back. I think T will be open to hearing it but I have a lot of fear surrounding that.

They will be sending her my psychological test back, which I asked Lily to go over in more detail with me. Outside of what I already told you it says that I am horrible with social interaction skills. I showed a clear pattern of wanting people in my life and equally pushing them away. I have a tendency to push emotions away and say " i'm gonna do what i want to do no matter who or what it effects" which manifests through substance abuse behaviors, etc. I can't say the results were anything I didn't already know about myself.

The program offers group weekly after d/c but for now i'm not going to pursue it because it doesn't feel healthy for me. I feel like I need to detach from the program because it's hard enough leaving them and feeling like I have to be on my own now, and I don't want to use them as an emotional crutch. Once i'm more stable, I will definitely follow up with them.

I think its pretty sad that I got to the point I was at, where I was simply ready to give up and couldn't tell anyone what I needed, only able to say "i need to be saved" - but i'm so fortunate for that moment because with nothing left to lose I was able to surrender myself to be healed.

Anyways, thanks again for being a part of my treatment team/support system by simply being "there" with me. :]

So proud of what you have gone through & how far your progressed in really such a short time.....that says a LOT for their program....really focuses on the individual's needs....I'm VERY impressed at the program & with YOU

Oh how I understand those walls that we put up to keep people out even though we want them in. When my psychologist retired last December, she told me about the wall that I had put up & she NEVER thought she would get through. For me, I know that the DBT has been the greatest help of ALL the therapy I've had in the last 20 years.

Just a thought though on that weekly meeting.....I know that when I got through the intense DBT 2 year program (met for 2 1/2 hours every week).....they offer a "next step" DBT program for all of us who made it through the 2 years & you know, it's wonderful to have that short weekly get together & reminder where we can just bring out even one thing that we are either struggling with or have succeeded in getting through. It really does seem to help & I know you want to make the break & make that back into life move, but was thinking that maybe that once a week get group until you do get into the DBT would be a good outside place to keep your DBT skills you have learned just reinforced rather than looking at it as still hanging around the program.....just a thought that went through my head.

I understand how you can click with someone better than the T you have.....I had that happen when I was in the medical hospital with anorexia after going through a trauma when my mom was dying of cancer. I was in a medical hospital that didn't have a psych wing but they had an outside pdoc & psychologist that came in to talk.....for some reason I was able to open up more with him than I was with my psychologist who I had been seeing for years. For me, it made me realize how much my psychologist just listened to me talk without any feedback.....but like you, it opens our eyes to somethings that we do need to change in the relationship. I am sure that your T will be open to their suggestions. Hard to know what form that change will be like, but it should be more like the relationship in your PHP & IOP experience that you realized is important & you can use that as your standard to strive for & talk with when it doesn't feel that way with your own T.

So happy that this has turned out to be such a wonderful experience & I definitely do support their suggestion of the DBT program. Our mental health group's DBT program was outstanding...loved our little Italian group leader.....she is amazing & actually led the group like a college group where she actually taught us about the way the mind REALLY WORKS....that was an eye opener because when I went into the group even in my late 50's, I thought people were either logical or emotional....I had no idea how the mind really worked....it was the most educational group I have ever gone to....& we always have fun with her Italian accent & trying to pronounce the words in english. I made it through the first section & then I was riding a horse & it spooked & I bailed & managed to fracture my back....between that & not really being able to afford the extra expense....they went together & asked the director of the mental health group to waive my fees.....I never had anyone care enough about me to ever do anything like that before in my life......they saw how much I was really getting out of it & how much I was participating. It wasn't that easy sitting that long but it was worth it....I sat out for one section & was back in it the next. DBT skills are the most common sense skills that honestly have ever been taught. I personally think that it should be a required High School class before graduation because it's at that point in our life when we NEED to learn the skills so that we can apply them through the really difficult times of life. When DBT is presented well, they are the most valuable tools we can use in our life.

Sometimes we have to get to the bottom before we are ready to ask for help....when we can't do it any longer & aren't quite really ready to JUST give up.....so glad you were able to say "I need to be saved" & glad that your T listened & got you into where you got such wonderful help & that you were OPEN to the help you received.

Glad to take the journey with you.....thank you for sharing....it does us all good to go through other's experiences & see the world through your eyes.....it expands everyone's view

What a wonderful idea for them to give you the information on the DBT groups.....I know t

I'd like to second eskielover in encouraging you to attend the after care program. Where I went (twice PHP & once IOP/ Dual diagnosis(alcohol mostly)), I didn't do aftercare the first two times, and I fell back into my old behaviors pretty quickly. This time I'm going once a week for an hour with other rehab people from the program. Technically it's offered for a year, but they never really kick you out.it helps me knowing that I have someone to be accountable to. Knowing that they won't take me a fourth time, I enjoy that hour of free advice and check ins.

Thanks for sharing your experience!! I know you will do well because you sound so aware of where you are emotionally and you know what help to seek