Love is not a happy feeling...

and it rarely generates a positive emotion within me.

I just noticed this.

What do I feel when I think about love or loving? Sadness! I always associate love with sadness! Of course, there are other emotions that arise with it, but the most powerful feeling overall is sadness.

How sad!

No wonder I am such a hard-hearted person! Why on earth would I ever want to "feel" love (and loved) when all it does is bring with it such a painful sensation?

If I have been trying to avoid being sad most of my life, I have been avoiding loving and being loved as well. No wonder I am so lonely. No wonder I keep isolated. No wonder I keep swinging back and forth so violently when "love" is the issue. And it is always the issue because "love" plays a role in EVERYTHING one thinks, does, says, feels...right?

I don't exactly know where to go with this epiphany. It seems to be so elementary a thought, I wonder why I could not see it so clearly as I do now.

So, now I am wondering - are all my problems based on this one fact - that I avoid (and have always avoided) the very thing that makes life worth while? Is this the true source of my mental illness?


Altered State

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The only love that I have received without qualms is the love my kids had for me when they were little... and the love of my grandsons now. Even my seven yr old granddaughter has made me wonder seriously when she tells me she loves me.

I can't honestly say that I know what love is... except the love that I give. I AM happy when I give love... at least until it gets rejected or I feel that the other person is trying to control me with/by it.

The love that I give is so much more meaningful to me...My two granddaughters bring out the best in me..!!

Loving someone makes me very happy, even if the person doesn't love me back.

I wish love were a good feeling for you.

So do I, Greenleaves, so do I.

For me love does have some positive feelings attached to it...but, I think there is also a strong sense of fear--fear that the other person is invading my privacy--getting too close or controlling--I always feel like I need to pull away to maintain some distance.

((((((((AlteredState)))))))))))
I understood that in a way that made it an epiphany for me, also.

i love the feeling of loving someone, but also fear rejection and abandonment, so i know where you are coming from. i love when my teens just come up to me and give me a big cudle and tell me they love me- then to me all the ups and downs seem worthwhile

jinnyann xoxoxoxxo

argh, love definately is not a great feeling. i'm finding it very stressful. i mean it's great as well, but it really has to be worth it. if my current love doesn't work out i won't be looking again. the stress and worry is killing me! so i guess i really want/need it to work as well. dating sux big time. i hate it.

If love was so simple as "black and white" then it would be an easy feeling/emotion to deal with.

Love is so deep and so intricate. When you love or accept love from another flawed human being (and yes, we are all flawed) it creates a vulnerability. I wonder if we are more afraid of being vulnerable than we are of being loved?

Hugssssss
J

I can relate to what you're saying AlteredState. I feel happiness when I think about the love I have for my family and friends... and the love they have for me.

However, I have been "in love" twice in my life and both times... the moment at which I knew I had fallen in love was terrifying and full of angst and sadness. Both times, I woke up in the morning, looked at the man in question and thought, "Oh no! How did I let this happen? How did I let myself fall in love? Now I'm going to miss him when he's gone!"

There were times in both of those relationships which are some my happiest memories, but there was (and still is) a whole lot of pain and sadness too. I'm terrified of falling in love again. I'm dating someone right now and I'm doing everything I can to avoid having any feelings for him other than caring about him (a little bit), finding him somewhat interesting and enjoying his company. If I feel a twinge of anything more than that, I push it away. I feel as if I need to fall in love about as much as I need another hole in my head. Being in love is like a form of insanity for me... too much emotion, too much anxiety, too much intensity. I'm not fond of any of those things. Being in love makes me feel weak and uncontrolled. I like to feel strong and I feel lost and out of sorts when I'm not in control of my emotions.