Putting on a happy face....feeling like darkness on the inside

Tonight I have to go out and celebrate my Bday with 9 friends. I am going to look like I am having the time of my life....but in actually...I hate my life. I hate that my head tells me I shouldn't exist anymore. I hate that my thoughts always surround anger and hurt.
I want to be free from it. I only know one way.
I want to shut the world out...like I have for so long and just keep pretending I am healthy until one day...someone says...Wow, I thought she was really doing well. Let them believe it. Let them never know until the end.

I hope that you do have a good time and that you enjoy your birthday with your friends.......you're blessed to have those friends (except for the one that didn't like the choice of the restaurant ) I know you're really feeling down and out, but hang in...okay? Happy Birthday! love, pat

Tell that voice in your head that it is just plain wrong and unwell. I know that voice and I talk to it ALL the time. Today in fact I told it to go F itself. Yuppers I did. It's OK to curse at our voices, as long as you don't do it out loud at the mall....don't make my mistake!

We all have to fake it sometimes. Those pulbic outings can be a major dragola. Personally, I'd rather do the hot coal barefoot thing. HOWEVER!!!! Interestingly enough, sometimes a small bit of fun sneaks in...even if just for a minute. I can even find myself shocked to be laughing. Oooppsie. I accidently had fun.

I truely hope that happens for you tonight. Big hugs, emmy

take the image of me wearing two different shoes to work Friday........and then add the image of a patient noticing it and trying to not act like they noticed it.......take aunt ems advice too...she has a big tofubutt that she swings around in wild abandonment.....

((((((((((((( sj0401)))))))))))))))))))))))

We all only think of one way out when we get as depressed as you are now. That light at the end of the tunnel is NOT the lights of another on-coming train......it's the people in these forums, reaching out with hearts and hands

Don't bury yourself into your own mind; the thing that is making your life miserable now. Folding yourself inside yourself is a very dark and insane place....been there, done that.......wound up in the ER/ICU NOT the answer! Pick up that darn phone & CALL FOR HELP! You posted to us. wonderful, we love you!

NEXT STEP: Get PROFESSIONAL help!!! Be safe... we need you around here..........I need you around, PM me & we can do more banging around alternatives (AFTER YOU CALL FOR HELP NOW!)

Celebrate another year of life w/ us, please?

((((((((((Hugs& DAYZEE)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you have a good time with your friends. Friends do help lift one's mood.

So....how did it go? How are you doing today?

emmy

(((((((((((((((SJ))))))))))))))))

i hope you had a good time last night. i'm anxious to hear how it went....xoxoxo pat

It started off very stressful. My gf was upset about the table we were sat at. Then she was upset that some people were late. She made me feel uncomfortable around my friends. She can be very controlling.
Finally she settled down and we were able to enjoy a meal.
But 2 minutes after we got home she went on and on about our new apartment and how ****** it is and how she hates to live here. Christ, for one evening I cannot enjoy anything.
I really thought late last night I was going to have to call my T or go to ER. I really thought I couldn't hang in there.
I wound up falling asleep though. Today I am just being quiet. I didn't call my T and I won't because I know what she would tell me to do...and for now...I need to work things out my way.
Thank you all for your well wishes. Sorry there isn't anything better to report. Just having a hard time lately.

what's important to me is that you posted and let me know that you're okay....you don't have to do bells and whistles...i knew you were worried and i'm really glad that you made it through the evening....xoxoxo pat

(((((((((((((((((((((sj0401 )))))))))))))))))))))

When you first posted you sounded like there was no way you were going to get through your "birthday outing!"...GIRL!

CONGRATS!!!! Hope your future bdays will be also as "O.K"

Way to go!

(((((((((((((((((((((((DAYZEE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi SJ --

I'm glad you got thru the occasion and are okay.

R U sure it's not time for a new gf with a more upbeat, cheerful disposition? Misery doesn't always love company . . . I really prefer to be around happy people who make me laugh . . .

Sweetie, maybe you should have a talk with your gf and let her know how her behaviour/words upset you so much. Maybe she doesn't know? Does she know how you are right now, how desperate you're feeling? Some people just don't know to shut up when you're feeling so low. Hang in there. We're all here for you. Vent whenever you need to, if even to just get it off your chest. Sometimes that's enough. I'm always here to lend you my shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Above all BE SAFE!!!

((((((((((( sj )))))))))))))

wow. you sound some what like me at times. it can be hard and it can feel like you are alone and that no one cares. but i am sure your friends cares enough about you to take you out. my friends or some of my friends only nice because her boyfriend is friends with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's sister is only nice because i have a little girl from him and his family and sister i feel only nice because of that. i have one good friend and she understands just like it do. At least your friends hang out with you and not hang out with if you don't have a car or anything. My friends or the ones I talk about feeling sorry for me and I don't want that that makes it harder.

But you know. My head tells me things too just like your head too. My life sucks but I have two great kids and I love them to death but I am having problems with one. He is feeling the way I am and he has ADD and he is so mean to his sister and everyone around him and him self. Just like me. I am mean, I feel like no one cares, or like me and I feel like you if I shouldn't exist anymore. I know they would not miss me or care if I die. And I know how you feel about your thoughts always surround anger and hurt and pain. And I know how it feels when you look like you are having fun and I know how it feels when you try to have fun but really all you want to do is hide.

But I am going to say this to you. What helps me. I am happy when I see those I really love and I am happy when I am alone doing nothing but things I love to do. My kids make me happy and my niece and nephews make me happy. And talking to friends who understand make me feel better. You should do that. Do something that makes you happy not others. Only make yourself happy then others will be happy too. But then I understand how hard that would be sometimes. It is hard for me sometimes too. I am here if you would like to talk.

Thanks lostangel.
I am sorry when I hear anyone who feels like me...because I know exactly what that means.

((((((((sj0401?????))))))

How can you thank someone who feels like you do..feeling miserable because you can relate? Having a quote about "hating life one day at a time" on your "page"? That is totally defeatist attitude! Do you like feeling sad? Why don't acknowledge the positive things she mentioned? Did I miss something here? She did suggest some positive things didn't she? Why aren't you acknowledging those points?

Am I really missing something important here? Are we doing the backstroke in self-pity tonight?

I remain..........(Clueless....DAYZEE))))))

i think he understands what i mean. and i think he is saying that he is glad that he is not alone on this pain. i am glad i have friends that i can turn to to talk and that is what we need friends who understand the pain and all about being alone. it is hard but you have to hang in there. i am and coming here and talking to people who knows what it feels like helps too. i think he got what i mean. i know you just want to help him but yelling at him or some one who feels this way doesn't help. trust me on this. i try to tell those around me yelling at me doesn't help. pushing me doesn't help too. just being there and listing helps. you need that. it will be hard but you are not alone.