The first time Ive talked about this

Wow. Where do I start? I'm going to try to make this as cohesive as I can, but my thoughts are everywhere right now, so no promises.

I'm female. 38. I've never been to a therapist or anything like that and my problems have been life long. I feel like I'm pretty screwed up...but I don't know what's wrong with me.
38 years in, it's all come to a head.

I'm desperate. I feel like I'm in crisis. I'm teetering on the edge and I'm scared to fall over, but I don't remember ever being to this point.

I just lost my job. My marriage is crumbling. I have no family that I speak to. I'm a hermit. I sabotage everything in my life. I have no friends. I can go days and days without speaking to anyone. But, I have such a fake-happy social media appearance, no one would really ever know any of this. I'm pretty sure I have ADD. Always have. I just lost the best job I've ever had. The pattern is always the same....I start a job. I love it. I always excel (no matter what field). I get accolades and pats on the back. I start getting bored, or some big change comes along and I get uncomfortable. I start sabotaging myself and eventually just quit showing up. It used to take a long time for this process to happen. This job, I lost in under 3 months. The stress was crazy. I couldn't cope. But, honestly, that's just an excuse....I've always done this.
I don't form lasting relationships. I fade out. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't have 6 people to carry my casket. No lie.
I was always recklessly promiscuous. But, I found the love of my life, and have been faithful for 10 years. I'm proud of that. I've been terrible in other relationships. But, my love is finally fed up with how much of a screwup I am and it's falling apart...it's kind of the last thing I can handle. I feel myself in a major emotional crisis.
I have a son who I haven't seen in 7 years because his dad took him and moved away. My 12 year old daughter lives with her dad and comes to me when schools out (weekends summer etc) I act like happy mom when she's here.
Most of the time I don't care about anything. Numbness. Indifference. I don't think ahead or behind. Only the moment. I make irresponsible decisions.
If my husband kicks me out...I don't know what I'll do. Homeless shelter? I have no one to call or stay with. I have no job or savings. I have no criminal record and no drug or alcohol addiction. I've never been molested or beaten (other than one relationship) wtf is wrong with me?
My dad disowned me at 17, so I feel like I'm perpetually stuck there at that age. My mom and both grandmothers died in a 3 month period in 2003. I never dealt with that. I'm alone. And scared.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. But, I'm just getting some stuff out.

I don't know what I need...encouragement, sympathy, tough love, prayers....
I have to fix myself or I'll just let myself die.

Maybe it's a good time to start therapy....& maybe look for therapy where DBT is offered because the skills that are learned in DBT are useful for not just borderline personality disorder.

If you do have ADD & have been struggling with it all your life, then you haven't learned skills to handle it & probably the coping skills you learned haven't been working now.

Definitely sounds like you have relationship issues if you have ended up with neither of your children.....don't know why your dad disowned you at 17 unless it had to do with the promiscuous lifestyle you chose (unless you chose that after being disowned in order to try & feel love even though you know now after marrying a good husband that's NOT what love feels like.

sounds like you have a lot of hurts in your background that professional help could help you process & deal with finally.....you couldn't be expected to know what's going on with you.....you haven't worked with a professional in order to help you LEARN.

I was in therapy almost 15 years after loosing my engineering career before I learned what was going on with my emotions & in's only been the last few years that I have learned how to be in touch with my emotions....& I'm still working on it.

It took a really good T to help me get in touch with myself & the basis was DBT therapy.

Hopeing you find your way to getting the help you so deserve

I would def go see a T and a pdoc. One T I had said since I thrust into adulthood at 15, I hadn't emotionally matured past that age. It sounds like you might be in the same position. I've also been recklessly promiscuous until my current husband, and I even left him for a little over a year. My situation was a little different bc we have a daughter, and he couldn't exactly kick me to the curb. I feel for you. I really do. You can pm me if you like. I may not be the quickest replier, but I will reply.