Slipping down the rabbit hole

I feel this covers a variety of areas of where I can post so I placed here to cover all.

I think I'm falling down the rabbit hole and rather quickly. I've never considered myself an alcoholic but I found myself buying a bottle and making a drink and hiding the bottle from my spouse. I have a low tolerance.

I also feel myself craving to SI. Sad to say I gave in. I do regret it yet not enough to care.

I feel my wife may leave me yet it's unwarranted do to her not even knowing. I honest to a fault yet I tend to omit thing when I feel they will leave. If she leaves that's it I've nothing left. I've no family that cares. No friends that aren't mutual and through her. No where to go. I literally have nothing. I don't know why to do or y I post. Maybe to have someone tell me it will be all right and it gets better?

Are you saying you think your wife will leave you because of your SI?

She'll leave me for SI, alcohol, hiding things and my addiction to anything that's fantasy: mainly anything that has to do with zombies.

I feel myself detaching from reality.

Monkeybrains, it's alright and it does get better. Do you think that counseling with a good therapist would help? Hang in there, ok?

I just got a new T a few weeks ago. I like her a lot. She listens and has input so it's not a one way street. I will tell her about the drinking and the SI. I'm just treading lightly not knowin what she'll do. I just want to be numb. The memories that have been coming up are messing with my head.

Don't tread too lightly with your therapist. She can't help you if you don't tell her everything.

I kno I just have really bad trust issues and can't lose control. There r some things she may be like well I think u should go IP and I'll be like f that. I kno voluntary is the way to go but I just freak out at the thought. It could just be my paranoia talking but my head thinks that should I say what's really in my head and show my true self all at once I could be in a lot of trouble.

Thinking of you....

I told my new T about my SI for the first time and se didn't take it nearly as bad as I thought she would. Thankfully, after hearing of some stories here, she does not have me strip. I would never strip for anyone. Sorry I won't and if someone tries to make me I get extremely aggressive and violent.

I like this new T she's very calming without being that absolutely infuriating low slow "calm" voice my old T used. It just angers me.

I use to abuse alcohol in my younger years as well, over 30 years ago. I went to AA meetings. I know what you mean wanting someone to help you with guidance. You are willing but need direction. You are blessed to have a T, i do not which is very difficult for me. Before it was my high level job and profession. Now it is my pride and poverty income. I have also had stuff resurface like a flood. Be loving to yourself. Just ask your higher power to take care of you and give him all your problems to work out for you. Then believe he is working everything out in your best interest. That is what i do and it is working for me so far. When i am frustrated i use to take a gun and do target practice. now i take rocks and smash bottles or rip up cardboard boxes. it gets the frustrations out. hugs... it will get better one day at a time. i no longer go to AA, i use my friends as my network to vent, talk to, laugh, share our goofiness with each other. and we all know we are on the same page. it is good.