[10yrsgone]

Not sure if this post is in the right forum. If it isn't, feel free to move it to the right place.

I have a major problem with real-life friends not responding to my texts or Facebook messages. Because I'm the way I am, I take things very personally.

Here's an example: A very close online friend (who will eventually be meeting up with me in person) is the only one I opened up to about seeking help. Yesterday, I sent her a message about my concern for a mutual friend. The timestamp reads "Read At: _:_ PM" without a response.

The most hurtful one for me is someone I consider my closest childhood friend. He just isn't good at keeping up with me anymore. I either have to "catch him" when he's around his phone or just wait for him to text. Any time I've tried to ask him to hang out or wonder what he's doing, he just never answers. Doesn't even have the courtesy to say "hey, sorry I didn't see your text, I was busy"...nothing of the sort. He just leaves me hanging for days or weeks and makes me feel I'm annoying him.

The reason I mention "annoying" is I used to message friends on Facebook, which also has the "Read at _:_" timestamp attached. I would send a message, it would get "read", and I wouldn't hear from the person. I would send them another one eventually, asking if they saw the previous one. Still, no response but I'd still get the "read" message. Eventually, I would correspond a final time and the person would send back a passive-aggressive message. I wasn't outpouring or oversharing, I was simply asking how things were!!!

Is it them, or is it me? Yes, I know --- people are not around their phones 24/7 and by that extension do not need to reply immediately. I do the same thing, but I at least let my friends know I wasn't able to reply. It's a small piece of courtesy I always try to instill if I miss out on a text. But the instances above of friends either leaving me hanging or snapping back at me if I "annoy" them, when I was only trying to start a normal conversation?

Should I give up texting these people and try calling them, or should I just not bother until they want to initiate a conversation with me? I could try the latter, but I always have to be the one initiating conversations and plans. It's starting to make me sick.

My honest (and perhaps a bit harsh) opinion is that you should back off and give people their space.

They might be going through troubles of their own, you should try to understand and respect that.

It's your choice to take their silence personally and keep poking them for a reply. But people are going to be fed up with you at some point, understandably enough.

So again, in my opinion: be a friend to them, too, and leave them be.

Originally Posted by 10yrsgone

I have a major problem with real-life friends not responding to my texts or Facebook messages. Because I'm the way I am, I take things very personally.

Here's an example: A very close online friend (who will eventually be meeting up with me in person) is the only one I opened up to about seeking help. Yesterday, I sent her a message about my concern for a mutual friend. The timestamp reads "Read At: _:_ PM" without a response.

The most hurtful one for me is someone I consider my closest childhood friend. He just isn't good at keeping up with me anymore. I either have to "catch him" when he's around his phone or just wait for him to text. Any time I've tried to ask him to hang out or wonder what he's doing, he just never answers. Doesn't even have the courtesy to say "hey, sorry I didn't see your text, I was busy"...nothing of the sort. He just leaves me hanging for days or weeks and makes me feel I'm annoying him.

The reason I mention "annoying" is I used to message friends on Facebook, which also has the "Read at _:_" timestamp attached. I would send a message, it would get "read", and I wouldn't hear from the person. I would send them another one eventually, asking if they saw the previous one. Still, no response but I'd still get the "read" message. Eventually, I would correspond a final time and the person would send back a passive-aggressive message. I wasn't outpouring or oversharing, I was simply asking how things were!!!

Is it them, or is it me? Yes, I know --- people are not around their phones 24/7 and by that extension do not need to reply immediately. I do the same thing, but I at least let my friends know I wasn't able to reply. It's a small piece of courtesy I always try to instill if I miss out on a text. But the instances above of friends either leaving me hanging or snapping back at me if I "annoy" them, when I was only trying to start a normal conversation?

Should I give up texting these people and try calling them, or should I just not bother until they want to initiate a conversation with me? I could try the latter, but I always have to be the one initiating conversations and plans. It's starting to make me sick.

[10yrsgone]

Originally Posted by BuildABridge

So again, in my opinion: be a friend to them, too, and leave them be.

Believe me, I've done this many times. I've been an excellent friend and will always leave at the drop of a hat to cheer someone up. But with the people I mentioned, I'll likely never hear back for a long while. And then when they do, they will text months later and wonder where I've been. I just can't win in any situation.

I have people asking me in person if I was in the hospital, moved out of the country or (even worse) died. This is what this social networking crap has brought us to. They could always call me or text me if they needed to see how I was doing, but that never happens.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not that interesting a person in their lives anymore and they're letting me know. And that's okay. I'm used to that feeling by now.

I don't think that your friends mean anything by acting they way they do. It's just the way life swings them around, they have their own lives to live, things to do, places to be, etc...

They probably think, for example: "Oh, ok, I got a text from 10yrsgone, now I know he's ok, so moving on..."

Some people just don't think to extend the courtesy of ringing/texting/emailing back the friends who contacted them just to say "roger that" or "over and out". And people don't even think that the friend who contacted them is expecting a reply so he/she can move on too.

I don't know, I'm just failing to see anything wrong with that, maybe because I don't have any friends these days to start with, or perhaps because I don't even understand the concept of "friendship" anymore. And maybe that disqualifies me for replying to this thread.

I've always seen the world as a big pressure cooker overfilled with beans drowning in boiling water. Every bean for itself, trying to reach the top so they'll last a little longer rather than cooking and losening their skin just to get eaten at the end of the process.

I guess that what I am trying to say is, you've got your problems, and so do they. Especially now at Christmas time. It's not only extra bills to pay, it's also a hard time of the year for a lot of people in the "family and relationships" department...

Just because they don't answer back when you contact them, doesn't mean that they don't care, just that they might be juggling dozens of other tasks that require more immediate attention.

If it was me, I woudn't waste much time obsessing over it., I'd just move on to the next trouble on my list for the day.

Some people are just like that, it's not personal - I'm usually a pretty rapid replier myself and appreciate it when other people are but life experience has taught me not to expect it from others.

It's nice that you are considerate yourself, I'm sure many of your friends will appreciate that quality in you.

[Permacultural]

What a mess these phones & texting have made of the social world. I'm so sorry to hear about your distress. I've experienced similar behavior. It is mystifying at first. Finally I came to the realization that conversation texting, for me, just doesn't work. So I do it the old fashioned way and call.

Quick texts as a "heads up" or "hey can you talk?" are different, but nowadays people ignore texts and emails. It's totally changed social norms. People just aren't aware how rude they are. Plus, because phones are nearly tethered to many people now, that fact presents a sense of urgency for all messages and a greater emotional impact when they go ignored. Basically people not responding to messages says to me, "you're not as important to me then this other stuff I'm doing". Am I the only one that feels this way?

If there's a way to turn off the "read at X:xx", do yourself a favor and turn off that notification. And call them once, if they don't pick up, leave a message and then the ball is in their court. I'd rather have one good, reliable friend than 100 fake people that ignore me in favor of getting more likes on farcebook

[ThunderGoddess]

facebook is a breeding ground for disappointment. It's not real life and people get all too attached to thinking it is. I would stick to calling or texting and if you consistently get no reply I wouldn't bother with those people anymore why should you go out on a limb none stop only to get met with silence? Third time around of no response it's obviously not just a "I'm too busy" I'm sorry but no one is literally that busy that they can't respond to a FRIEND within a week or two!

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by 10yrsgone

Not sure if this post is in the right forum. If it isn't, feel free to move it to the right place.

I have a major problem with real-life friends not responding to my texts or Facebook messages. Because I'm the way I am, I take things very personally.

Here's an example: A very close online friend (who will eventually be meeting up with me in person) is the only one I opened up to about seeking help. Yesterday, I sent her a message about my concern for a mutual friend. The timestamp reads "Read At: _:_ PM" without a response.

The most hurtful one for me is someone I consider my closest childhood friend. He just isn't good at keeping up with me anymore. I either have to "catch him" when he's around his phone or just wait for him to text. Any time I've tried to ask him to hang out or wonder what he's doing, he just never answers. Doesn't even have the courtesy to say "hey, sorry I didn't see your text, I was busy"...nothing of the sort. He just leaves me hanging for days or weeks and makes me feel I'm annoying him.

The reason I mention "annoying" is I used to message friends on Facebook, which also has the "Read at _:_" timestamp attached. I would send a message, it would get "read", and I wouldn't hear from the person. I would send them another one eventually, asking if they saw the previous one. Still, no response but I'd still get the "read" message. Eventually, I would correspond a final time and the person would send back a passive-aggressive message. I wasn't outpouring or oversharing, I was simply asking how things were!!!

Is it them, or is it me? Yes, I know --- people are not around their phones 24/7 and by that extension do not need to reply immediately. I do the same thing, but I at least let my friends know I wasn't able to reply. It's a small piece of courtesy I always try to instill if I miss out on a text. But the instances above of friends either leaving me hanging or snapping back at me if I "annoy" them, when I was only trying to start a normal conversation?

Should I give up texting these people and try calling them, or should I just not bother until they want to initiate a conversation with me? I could try the latter, but I always have to be the one initiating conversations and plans. It's starting to make me sick.

Give up texting and call them. For each person you do this with, where you are initiating the call, keep track so you don't forget. Write down "i initiated call to xxxxxx and left message at X:xx ". Here's the trick. The next call should come from them. If they are truly friends with you, they should have no problem talking to you on the phone.

Originally Posted by ThunderGoddess

Facebook is a breeding ground for disappointment.

That was beautiful. Thank you for that.

To the original poster: I am similarly thin-skinned in these situations and can completely relate to your frustration. Try to see the exchange from the other person's perspective; there are a thousand things you don't know about that could be distracting them from a timely reply. If their failure to respond hurts you, then stop sending them messages. Correspond only with those who recognize and respect your need for a response.

[tearsinabottle]

I understand how you feel, 10years. I have a friend and she does the same, I have to wait up to 6 hours or more before she eventually texts back. Its not a nice feeling. But I do understand she does this because she is busy with her school and being alone raising her son. So she texts when she has time at late evening. Sometimes I am sending texts just to tell about something funny or what happened that day which require no answer, but just an acknowledgement....she does the same sometimes, but not as much as me. She usually answer if its important stuff...also sometimes not. I always answer, usually right away because I have time.

Sometimes she forget to texts back. That is not nice, but I can understand that one can forget. Sometimes she doesnt even mention the text, like it never ever got sent, or she will remember it the next day and say sorry.

Because of this I have tried not texting her much as I am tired of not getting a response at all. When one get no response or get it days later or not at all its not very fun to text someone. Even its just telling about something. I do understand thought that people can get tired of answering unimportant texts.

She has admitted she doesnt answer certain people; people she has no wish to be in contact with or people she say she cares about but doesnt bother to text ( I dont get that ). She have said she hates texting.

You probably shouldnt take it too personal even it can hurt. If I were you I would just stop texting and let them take contact if they should want.

I have found out its better to not text and not experience no answer than it is to text and waste time both texting and using money to send the text and not get one answer in return. I feel its best not text at all when you dotn get an answer before 8 hours later. I mean whats the point.

A good friend, in my opinion, will always answer you by the end of the day and will take your calls. And they will call you too.

I have anxiety calling friends I consider good friends, but that is because of my depression. Some people feels easier to call, others are very difficult, specially if its someone I have not talked with for long time or not much at all, but who I still try keep contact with now and then. This one friend has been much better at contacting me. That due to I have not been good at it because of my depression and anxiety.

[PumpkinPieHead]

This reminds me of a meme I saw floating around facebook that said "I either text back in 5 seconds or 3 days later, no inbetween". It was funny because it is true for some people, and I admit I'm guilty of doing it to some folks.

I agree with the somewhat harsh opinion that if you've put the ball in their court, give them their space. If they're your friends, they'll keep in touch.

[vonmoxie]

That timestamp business ruined Facebook for me.

The problem is, I know that exactly when I've read something, the other person knows it, and so I have to respond not just to the communication, but to the fact that they are aware of what time I saw it. This complicates the whole thing -- why is it needed at all? It just puts us all into a hyper-aware style of dealing with each other. Maybe we need a little bit of time to get back to someone, but it puts us in the position of having to explain that in addition to whatever is actually being communicated about. Why don't they just force us to walk around with cameras on us all day, letting people know when we've gone to the loo, or whatever else we opted to do before we got back to the person.

That's probs next.

Where I work there is an option to use "return receipt", which has the same effect -- the person knows exactly when you read their email. The only people who use it are, coincidentally or not, the worst people to deal with, completely robotic and unforgiving; exhausting. We also have the option to refuse each return receipt requested, so that when we read an item they don't know. I use this regularly, because I refuse to have my every move clocked. I wish the same option was available on Facebook.

my own brother & sister don't call or text me. if i want to talk to them at all, i have to initiate things, or i will never hear from them. i refuse to do that anymore. i haven't heard from either of them in over 3 months. i know when people don't want me in their lives. unfortunately that seems to be the case with everyone.

op, i hope things work out for you.

[10yrsgone]

The good thing is I just moved to an Android phone a few months ago. There's a third-party program called Textra which has the option to disable all timestamps, which is a lot better than iMessage and its default timestamp options.

I admit I've been lazy checking Facebook's timestamp options but that will be next on my agenda. My gut tells me there's no option for removing that.

I thank all of you for your replies. I had a really difficult morning but it's been a much better day overall. I ended up talking to some of the friends I mentioned in this post and some of my concerns ended up being a big misunderstanding.

While I admit I overreacted a bit, I also think there should be better communication between people. That's what I pride in my friendships --- communication and organization. Yes, I can and will drop everything to hang out, but I'd also like some notice once in a while too.

While this is something I hope my friends consider, it also should be something I could learn from as well. If they don't want to talk to me, well, so be it. They have no right asking me where I've been or spreading rumors of my hospitalization or death, however.

[ChipperMonkey]

I'm like you so I can indeed see both sides of the coin....

On the one side....

It IS hard when friends don't respond! I get anxious. I think the worst. Then again, I have abandonment issues, so my mind goes to the worst possible scenario. I'm working on letting go and its getting better, but its an ongoing issue. I think that it would help you to reframe things in your mind. Have you ever done any CBT? If not, it helps to reframe your thoughts. Instead of going to "worst case scenario" and taking things personally, you could reframe it and think that perhaps the person is really busy and unable to reply right now, but it doesn't mean that he/she cares about you any less. For example, I belong to a pen-pal site (old school, right?) and I oftentimes check my messages from my phone, but I rarely reply from my phone b/c its a PITA to write long messages on a phone, right? But nevertheless, people get irritated when they see that I've read a message and haven't replied. So maybe your friend was reading on the run? Maybe she didn't have time to reply right away? Maybe she was in the middle of something else and thought that it was important to check her messages, but she couldn't reply that instant. Lots of different things could have happened. But it does help to try and reframe things in your mind.

On the other side....

Your "friends" may be shytty. Yeah. (How old are you? Just curious.) Ok, so childhood friends.... I know its great to hear others yammer on about how they've had a best friend since the second grade and they're thick as thieves even though they're now middle aged (or older) but honestly this is the exception rather than the rule. Most people pick their friends in childhood simply because they sat next to each other on the first day of school or the person lived next door. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into it! As you grow into being an adult, most people change and grow apart from one another. Its just sort of a fact of life. I'm not trying to be harsh, rather this has happened to me and I've seen it happen to others. It is hard to grow apart from childhood friends, but when it happens, we sort of need to accept it and move forward.

And online friends... Facebook! Ugh! People are notorious for finding "friends" on there when they're.....bored.....and then when life picks up, they drop their online friends like a hot potato. I gave up on Facebook. I've tried to reach out to people and they've been non-responsive. I've had other online friends who stop messaging when they suddenly have other (better) things to do. I don't call that friendship. Yeah, I know that people need to be free to live their own lives, but at the same time, if a friend is ignoring you (for an extended period of time), is that person really a friend? Maybe this sounds harsh, but given my disorder (PTSD), I am prone to shut-downs. I've learned that when I shut down, I OWE it to people to let them know I'm not doing well. I mean how hard is it to text those few words? I honestly think that if I can't do the very basics, then I'm not strong enough to even have friends because its NOT fair to leave other people hanging like that.

Don't get me wrong. I have different levels of friendship. I don't owe it to everyone to let them know I'm not doing well. But, if there is someone I'm in regular contact with, then YES, I DO owe them that at the very least. By this way of thinking, if someone is busy, dealing with other life crap.....then most of the time they do need to let you know. Otherwise it can be seen as a sign that you need to step back from the relationship as that person is not very invested. However, there will be times when life throws a huuuge curve ball. (This doesn't happen that often IMHO, but people freak out at the smallest things, turning everything into drama...so they *think* that any minor life bump gives them an excuse to go about their own selfish ways and drop others willy-nilly.) Like I said, I sound harsh, but I rather have fewer decent friends than people who are going to be fair-weathered or only want to talk to me when they are bored or need me to pick them up.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

And online friends... Facebook! Ugh! People are notorious for finding "friends" on there when they're.....bored.....and then when life picks up, they drop their online friends like a hot potato. I gave up on Facebook. I've tried to reach out to people and they've been non-responsive. I've had other online friends who stop messaging when they suddenly have other (better) things to do. I don't call that friendship. Yeah, I know that people need to be free to live their own lives, but at the same time, if a friend is ignoring you (for an extended period of time), is that person really a friend? Maybe this sounds harsh, but given my disorder (PTSD), I am prone to shut-downs. I've learned that when I shut down, I OWE it to people to let them know I'm not doing well. I mean how hard is it to text those few words? I honestly think that if I can't do the very basics, then I'm not strong enough to even have friends because its NOT fair to leave other people hanging like that.

This. Personally I treat facebook as a directory of contacts some of whom are friends most of whom are acquaintances, with this expectation I am never disappointed. My best friends aren't even on facebook, those are the ones who never leave me hanging on without an explanation.

I think sorting out in your head who your real friends are, and who are acquaintances may be helpful OP.

[saturdaybell]

I have this issue with my mom. She will take for ever to text back. I text back right away so when some one else does they worry about me.

[saturdaybell]

Originally Posted by saturdaybell

I have this issue with my mom. She will take for ever to text back. I text back right away so when some one else does they worry about me.

I mean so when i dont then they worry!

[kindachaotic]

I don't post, text, or call my friends or family very often. But when I do...
Will also admit being pretty thin skinned when they don't respond.
The old 'I just saw this' doesn't fly with me when I know they've seen it...

[ChipperMonkey]

The iPhone has the ability to turn off the most annoying time stamp......the one that shows someone you've read something. Of course the "delivered" one is annoying though.