[estrella]

Does anyone agree with this or disagree?

It's quite common to see and hear about. "There's kids starving in Africa" and "Someone else has it worse." Aren't these invalidating statements? Would they make you feel worse or better, given your circumstances? W

Maybe I'm far too sensitive to certain things regarding mental illness, but when I hear of someone's problems being "worse" than mine--mentally--because I'm much younger or haven't had as many years as them, it feels like someone is taking a hot metal rod and pressing it onto raw skin.

Everyone has their own trials and tribulations. We all have to face our own demons. None of you are any less because you haven't had the same things happen as I, vice versa. When someone needs a helping hand, lend them yours instead of watching them suffer.

I'm sorry for the rant, guys. I'm doing fine tonight, but the internet is the hot metal rod right now. I oh so apologize.

I agree with you. Whenever anyone says "Someone has it worse" or something similar I almost want to smack them upside the head. It's so invalidating. Who cares if someone technically "has it worse"?! It's all subjective anyway about who technically has it worse. Something that might not mess one person too much might severely mess another person up. Everyone's different so why compare like that?

[ChipperMonkey]

Technically, unless you're the very worst off person on the planet, then under these "rules" you have no right to complain or even acknowledge your own suffering. Of course, this is immediately where my rational thinking sort of mind goes when someone gives me this line. The flip side of this is that you have no right to be happy unless you're the most well off person on the planet. Yeah, when you flip it around, it DOES sound crazy, doesn't it!!!

Originally Posted by estrella

"There's kids starving in Africa"

Oh yeah, my parent's favorite (aggressively) evasive response to any question or attempt to initiate a conversation.

-
When someone uses that excuse to see the "other woman", I would have to disagree.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I do have to chime in and say that when I day this to myself, it tends to help me in a situation I'm struggling with.

It depends on the context, I suppose. It can either be compassionate (as in, you have a lot to be thankful for, and people still dream of having the life you have) or, it can be a real blow-off line. I use the former quite often.

I do think reminding yourself to keep a certain perspective about things can be helpful, but saying such things to others is useless and presumptuous.

[marmaduke]

Difficulties should not generably be compared.
It's not helpful, it's just invalidating.
Put down by comparison is a powerful abuse.

There are people starving in Africa. But its not our fault its been like that for ever.
Despot governments, lack of education and contraception.

Take Amy Winehouse. Famous rich talented. She had it all.
But then. She had nothing.
Crap narcissistic parents no love.
A poor spirit. Wandering lost.

No love is the biggest poverty.



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[marmaduke]

Starvation of the body kills.
Starvation of the soul kills too.

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[estrella]

Your posts, Marmaduke, make sense. No love is the biggest poverty. Your words are kind of poetic. Thank you. I really appreciate them.

[TerriLynn]

I did exactly this to myself during my second therapy session. T told me I was minimizing myself and my suffering. I do it to myself, not others.

[PandorasAquarium]

As a person who has been living in a high level of physical pain every single day for almost a year, and on and off for decades, but who is young(ish) and "looks fine," I've heard this a lot. "Well it could be worse. It could be cancer..." In fact in 2 days, I'm going to find out if it is cancer.

But my point is that I've realized something critical. Everyone is going thru something. Every.Single.One.of.Us. And it is all relative. To me, my life is hard right now. Maybe you, whoever reads this, is going through a hard time. Who has the right to compare our hardships? Or the gall? It's the classic "walk a mile in my shoes." Or your shoes. Or the child in Ethiopia's.

So for me anyway, I figure I'm the only person who has the right to minimize my own pain by saying that "It could be worse." And sometimes, when I tell myself that, it actually helps me. But when someone else says it to me, well - How dare they presume to know what I (or you or anyone else) is going through. Again, we all have our battles to fight. And they are unique and therefore incomparable to anyone elses.

[Nihil]

The only time the argument is remotely valid is when someone is annoyed about something that's not worth being annoyed about at all. In that sense it does help to have some perspective.

[estrella]

That's still not valid. What is worth not being annoyed about at all is completely subjective. My older brother used to call and talk about really random things on his time, but when I called, it had to be "important." What is important to him, I have no ides, based on what he would call me for.

[venusss]

Honestly, I sometimes use the "there's war in Ukraine/Syria" when people whine and whine and whine and they have problems they could easily solve if they stopped whinning for a bit and actually done something.

I once gotten into argument with somebody over their claim that "life in California is so stressful, that I would take psychiatric meds even if I were healthy" and the stressfulness was explained as "traffic, jobs and bills": So to me there is a scale of misery. Bad flue is better than cancer. Being depressed in EU is better than being normal in Syria. Few nights of air raids, having few friends killed... you will not remain normal for long and will be PTSD-ed beyond repair.

I travelled in the western Ukraine in the summer and interesting thing is... when I talked to people nobody whined extensively. They'd nod it's hard, but they are strong, yadda yadda. I guess when your country is in war that can make you a history, there is no time for break downs. Those will happen later, when things are relatively better and people more secure.

Still.... it is ever so much easier to get depressed, often as result of trauma, in the bad parts of world. And there is no ERs to go to in Damascus, if you are feeling suicidal. There are no therapists to call for emergency session.


I have my share of demons and trouble, but I will be the first one t confess, they are lesser on the global scale. It gives one a perspective.

Perspective is good. I think that realization has to mostly come from within though. Many people aren't in a place to gain that kind of perspective at a given time because their own pain is very personal and makes finding perspective very difficult. Often it comes in hindsight; that's what I've discovered.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Perspective is good. I think that realization has to mostly come from within though. Many people aren't in a place to gain that kind of perspective at a given time because their own pain is very personal and makes finding perspective very difficult. Often it comes in hindsight; that's what I've discovered.

The thing is some get some wrapped in their misery it is hard for them to get out... and often they are unknowingly "encouraged" in it, but too much "sympathy" and comfort.

I personally get annoyed when people react to my bipolarness and other issues "ooooh, so sorry, it must be horrible for you" and such. One person even reacted to confession that a professional qualification test showed I likely have ADHD or some sort of simmilar issue. When I was saying it while laughing through it, because it never bothered me. So I don't really talk about my issues with people, because I cannot stand their overdramatic pity.

Originally Posted by venusss

The thing is some get some wrapped in their misery it is hard for them to get out... and often they are unknowingly "encouraged" in it, but too much "sympathy" and comfort.

Oh, I hear you. I just don't think anyone else can tell a person to just snap out of their misery. They have to get there on their own. It can be aggravating to deal with though.

Recently, my cousin was at the bank getting paperwork together because they are having to sell their land and home that has been in their family for over 60 years because they have suffered two devastating 100-year floods in the past 6 months. They've gone through evacuations, loss of livestock, serious financial hardship, fear for their lives, and now, the loss of their home. So what does the 20-year-old college coed at the bank want to talk about? How her life was just SO bad because she had a fight with her boyfriend and two tests that day? She whined and moaned and groaned the whole time she was waiting on my cousin about totally trivial crap. My cousin just bit her tongue and shook her head. Such teeny-bopper drama over absolutely trivial stuff when my cousin's own life was devastated. But it wouldn't have done any good to put the coed in her place. She'll grow up eventually.

[marmaduke]

A victim is a victim wherever they are.

A child in a dysfunctional home is in a war zone, thats why PTSD is not unusual.

Yeah you get some people whining over nothing and they are irritating, but I don't think that applies to most people on here. Generally put down by comparison is not helpful.

[Onward2wards]

Oh my yes ... those "helpful phrases"...

I always laugh at the phrase "first world problems". I think if one is IN the first world, and have first world problems, that's understandable, deserving of some level of sympathy, and probably better than having THIRD world problems in a first world country! Is sympathy only valid if offered to a socially isolated, empoverished quadruplegic living in a box next to a gleaming skyscraper? Are everybody else's admittedly less drastic concerns immediately rendered completely null and void?

Another "helpful" phrase I'm bothered by is "it could be worse". Yes. I KNOW it could be worse. Don't remind me, because I'll probably start worrying about it getting worse! Anyway, I'm upset because I'm wanting things to be BETTER. Isn't that what we're supposed to do ... have ambitions and aspirations and try to better our lives and ourselves? Or should we drink the "it could be worse" Kool-Aid (TM) and eat something sweet until the feeling passes?

Worst of all (so I can get the rant fully off my chest) is hearing people vicously and relentlessly complain about ... other people complaining. What IS that? Lack of empathy? Misanthropy? Compassion fatigue? A desire to have something even worse to complain about? Being a troll?? I must know the answer.

Ahhhhh ... my snark is spent, my day now complete.

But ... melodramatic oceans of pity for literally every minor little boo-boo .... I agree, that can equally go too far.

[avlady]

Funny Onward!!!!

[marmaduke]

Onward
Worst of all (so I can get the rant fully off my chest) is hearing people vicously and relentlessly complain about ... other people complaining. What IS that? Lack of empathy? Misanthropy? Compassion fatigue? A desire to have something even worse to complain about? Being a troll?? I must know the answer.

Oh, well said!

[Mountainbard]

Your question is an excellent one. Certainly sometimes people find some comfort in thinking about others who are worse off. The Germans even have a word for it: schadenfreude. But ultimately I think it's counterproductive to compare ourselves to others. There's always someone better off, and someone worse off. As my wife reminds me when I get judgmental-- everyone's just trying to do their bests, and we all have our unique burdens to bear, as well as our own unique talents and gifts.

estrella, i agree with you. I find most statements like that societies use to make one feel guilty to extricate money from you. How do you know half of it isn't just made up? I believe charity begins in your own house first, you must take care of your own family first. Loved the rant, look forward to more... kudos

[BlueCrustacean]

Usually, people make this statement as a way to silence the other person. "Other people have it worse, so you have no valid issues and no right to speak. Shut up."

There are people who do this ALL THE TIME to feminists. "Hey, be lucky you don't live in Saudi Arabia, where you'd REALLY be oppressed and have something to complain about", or, "Why aren't you always talking about women in Iran/Iraq/Saudi Arabia? You privileged, uppity American females should shut up and live with the American status quo."

Interesting that when black activists discuss police brutality and systematic oppression of blacks in America, no one says, "Hey, be lucky you're not starving in Africa! Quit complaining!"

I agree, it's INCREDIBLY insulting, dismissive and silencing to another person to tell them their problems don't matter compared to someone else who has it "worse". This isn't a contest. It's not like only the worst off people on the entire planet deserve the prize of pity, empathy and love. Everybody is valid. No conditions.