[tranquility]

Hi there,

There have been a couple of posts on this, but I thought I'd give my dad some kudo's with his own thread

In 1996, I called my dad on his birthday, October 4th, and I knew something was very wrong (I'm in RI and he was in Florida). When my mom got on the phone I started crying and begged her to take him to a doctor. My mom was a nurse and sometimes she thinks she knows all the right answers.

She was waiting to make an appointment with the Lahey clinic because the doctors in her area are bad. I knew in my gut it was bad, so I begged her to even take him to an emergency room in another county if she wanted but that he needed to go ASAP.

Dad had been having back pain for awhile. The previous January his doctor did routine blood work and found he was anemic - VERY unusual for him as he has the rarest blood type and was on emergency lists for the hospital to donate blood, which he did faithfully. The doc then tested his sed rate and it was 114. I didn't know he had this test done until 10 months later and at the time I was taking a medical assistant certificate program and in my book it said that a normal sed rate for a man was under 20. Anything over could be indicitive of rheumatoid arthritis or cancer.

The doc tested him for rheumatoid arthritis and when it came up negative, he said "you have fibromalgia". So now we are 10 months later in October and his back hurts, he's not getting any better, and he sounds like crap.

My mom finally did take him the next day to an E.R., they did an exray of his neck and he had fractures all down his c-spine. The did a bone marrow biopsy and diagnosed him with multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow). He had just turned 65 and they only did bone marrow biopsy's for people under 65 (had he been properly diagosed 10 months earlier - who knows?).

They put him on a light chemo because he was pretty sick and sent him home - he went on hospice right away. We figured that was it, so we all went down to Florida to see him. My sister and I are in RI, I have a brother in Alaska, and a brother in Utah. Well the chemo started to work, so they did some radiation on his femurs because they were ready to break.

My dad lived another 4 years. It was not the life he wanted - he had only been retired 3 years when he had the diagnosis. He and my mom bought a house in a retirement community with a golf cart in the driveway and he was golfing away. Now, all he could do was watch golf on TV. My mom took very good care of him and I think that is why he lived so long - that and she bought him a dog that he adored.

We got to visit a few more times. Eventually the cancer got stronger and the chemo wouldn't work anymore, so he was back on hospice. My mom didn't want anyone to be there when he died - which pissed me off! Eventually he was in a coma for a few days and my mom called my brother in Alaska and told him to go ahead an book a flight because it would take awhile and my dad would be gone before he got there.

Well, dad hung on. Brother from Alaska is there, now brother from Utah heads down. Now I'm really mad, so I tell mom that sister and I are coming whether she likes it or not. We got there on a Tuesday at 5:00 in the afternoon. It was 2 days before my dad's 69 birthday. When I walked in it was a different person lying there. He was in a coma and breathing very hard.

So I went over and held his hand and yelled at him that Karen and I where here - his left eyebrow raised so I knew he knew we were there. I told him it was okay to go home to his mom and dad, that they were waiting there for him and that we wanted him in a pain free place.

I fell asleep and at 1:00 a.m. they woke me up because it was time. I held my dad's ice cold feet with the rest of my family around the bed when he died. Not everyone can understand this, but it was the most peaceful moment in my life. I watched the father I love let go of all the pain he was in and pass over to a better place. I didn't even cry when he initially died - I smiled. I did alot of crying later, but it was selfish crying. Selfish because I wouldn't have him with me anymore. For him I could only be happy.

This is my 6th year without my dad on father's day. Every once in a while I get sad - sad for me, not him! I talk to him all the time, I ask him to help me and watch out for me. I had a couple of signs in the beginning that he was around, but I think he passed over rather quickly.

I don't know if this will help anyone, but I try hard to think of death as a good thing - for the person who is dying. I know they are going to a better place and that makes me feel better.

Tranquility

[Direction]

A sad and good rememberance for him...

[bebop]

tranquility that is a sad but beautiful story. I am very sorry for your loss. I know I am having a very hard time with my father being ill. thank you for sharing.

[tranquility]

Thanks Bepop - my thoughts are certainly with you at this time. May you find peace....

Tranquility

[tranquility]

Thanks Direction

[sabby]

(((((((((((tranquility))))))))))

You and I have very much the same view on death. Your story was beautiful and I'm so happy you were able to be with him when his time came to go home.

I was unable to be with my father when he passed in August 1999. He lived in Bangor Maine and I was near Concord NH. I had gone up for a 4 day visit with him by myself the last week of July. The last time I had seen him was in March when his older brother, My Uncle Ken had passed away.

We had a wonderful time together. Dad was a drinker all his life. He was a pretty happy drunk for the most part. He took me to all his favorite haunts and we played pool and enjoyed some beers together. I was able to go on long drives with Dad through the towns where he grew up and lived with his grandparents. The old farmhouse was gone, but he remembered the area. We visited the ocean, we went onto some beautiful islands, we ate some wonderful meals together. We talked like we had never talked before. It was the best father/daughter time we had had since I was a kid. When I left him to go home, I cried almost the whole 4 hours on the ride. I had these impending doom feel in the pit of my stomach. It was hard to leave him, but Bangor was the place he wanted to be. He had always told me that he was born there, and that is where he wanted to die.

Four days after I got home, my phone rang. It was my aunt telling me that my dad had passed 2 days earlier. He was home alone, in bed and the landlord found him when he went to collect his rent. He passed of a massive heart attack, probably never felt a thing. (at least that is what I hope in my heart)

I knew Dad was headed for that to happen. He had stopped taking his heart medication around the time his brother had died. I know my dad wanted to join his brother. It was just a matter of time.

I am so very thankful that I had been able to spend those last 4 days with my Dad. It was the last time I was able to feel like a kid again. I will never forget those days for the rest of my life.

I rejoiced for my father's passing. He was in emotional pain that no one could help him with. All he wanted was a release from that pain. I am glad he finally got it and it was swift and painless.

I am with you in your grief hon.

Hugssss
Jean

[bebop]

tran thanks hon. I am preparing myself as much as I can.

[tranquility]

Jean -

Thanks for sharing that - I'm glad you had your time as well. We have yet another thing in common, my dad grew up in Norway Maine on a farm and I still have many of his relatives there

Tranquility

[T_Seul]

Tranquility, I can understand the feeling of peace when the person you care so much about is finally out of pain.

Thank you.

[Noncomposmentis8]

This story really made me feel sad, But It makes me appretiate my father alot more and I'll try to make his fasthers day very enjoyable...even though we have a wedding to go to for my couzin.....

[tranquility]

Thanks TSeaul and Noncom (((((Hugz)))))

Tranquility

[DePressMe]

Tranquility, I got goose bumps when I read your post. Death is a difficult thing to deal with. It is a special moment to share with the ones you love—an honor to be there. I feel for you.

[tranquility]

Thanks Depressme - I honestly think it was the best thing to be there with him. I knew he hung on for all of us to be there so it was important for him too.

Tranquility