Tw..where I Have Been/what I Am Dealing With

I am really sorry that I have not been on as much as I feel I should be. I am dealing with so much at home.

My SO is getting a divorce from the wife who is TG or has gender disphoria, not really sure which. I am trying to help my SO deal with this. The biggest concern is his son. He is 7 years old and has ADHD. Everything is trying to be handled amicably, but the Jen(the wife) is being manipulative.

She seems to have manipulated everyone to her side. She is not all there. She hears external voices, has an imaginary world that she lives in much of the time and has a “boyfriend” (imaginary) that she sleeps with every night. She has, literally, blown up at us in front of the kiddo. So badly that we had to remove him from the street we live on and walk him down 3 more blocks. Her mother (Pat) runs her life, even at the age of 32. She cowers around Pat. She takes everything Pat says as though it is fact and law. Pat threatens to cut her off if she doesn’t do what she says. We thought she may have some sort of DID or schizophrenia, but her psychiatrist (whom she just started seeing last week) says differently. Her psych says that it is all due to stress?!!! Oh and Jen blames EVERYONE else for everything. Her idea of taking responsibility is admitting that she listens to everyone else and can’t make any decisions for herself. She doesn’t know who to listen to and can’t decide on her own.

We are sure that she has not told the psychiatrist everything. She hits herself in the head, calls herself stupid and says that no one could ever love her. Well, the son hits himself on the head and calls himself stupid whenever he gets upset. We try to get him to stop, but with the ADHD he has impulsivity problems. He doesn’t think about his actions, he just reacts.

My SO and I are moving to Idaho. He realizes that there needs to be joint custody, but I am worried that Jen’s behavior is only going to continue to affect the kiddo. At first she told us to take the kiddo as she was not fit to be a mother and that she is a “sick mother %#@&#!” and he doesn’t need to be around her. She even wrote out and signed a piece of paper in blue ink (as she says it is more legal that way?) and gave it to us.

Now she seems to have gotten some sort of backbone or is listening to the wrong people (Pat) and has decided she doesn’t want him to live with us as she can’t live without family. She pushed her parents away (apparently that has changed recently) and has driven us away and won’t even talk to us. She is “afraid” of us??? When we have never even done anything to her. We have never physically, mentally or emotionally done anything except try to support her decision to become a man. We have tried to help her when her mother has mentally and emotionally messed with her mind.

Also, because neither my SO nor I are currently working she doesn’t want us to have the kiddo. Mind you, she didn’t WANT my SO to work because he is going to school and is watching the kiddo. She even said it in front of me. Now she is saying she only said that because she was afraid to speak up and tell him to get a job!!!??? I don’t have a job because I moved in with them in the hopes that I would find a good job very quickly. Unfortunately, I have not been so lucky in the past 3 months. I was willing to get a job at friggin McDonalds or Jack-In-The-Box just so I could help, but she wanted me to focus on getting a GOOD job. Now she is using that against us.

I have the promise of a job when I get to Idaho and I even have places to stay until we can save up enough to get our own place. My family is all up there and is willing to do anything to help us get out of this situation.

The biggest problem is that the laws in California say that we cannot take the kiddo out of the state until the divorce is final and for 6 months (not quite sure why if both parents agree). So, we are not even sure when my SO will be able to leave because he needs to be here so he can get to court. Well, without a job he has nowhere to stay besides the house that he got with Jen. Oh, we all live together, but Jen can’t stand to look at my SO because she is disgusted with him. Even though it was SHE who told him to find someone who can make him happy as she was just miserable. She has her own room and practically lives in there playing Pokemon! No, I swear. She even brings that damned game to the dinner table when we are trying to eat a family meal.

Her son would beg to spend time with her and she would just play that game. I am not saying she doesn’t love him, I just think she is too emotionally unstable to keep him right now.

Pat has gone so far as to cuss out people in front of the kiddo. Pat has talked crap about us in front of him. The only thing Pat has not done is physically harm him. However, I feel that mental and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical.

Ugh, I am just really trying to be positive about everything. I visualize my SO, the kiddo and I in the U-Haul together driving up to Idaho together. I imagine Jen getting the help she needs and becoming the person I know she is inside.

I am trying to keep my emotions, thoughts and feelings to myself, but my SO can see right through it. Neither one of us have any friends that are willing to sit with us and talk because they are all Jen and my SO’s friends so they don’t want to get in the middle. We have one friend who is trying to help all of us the problem is that he is best friends with Jen and Jen is over there staying at his house. So, he is giving Jen tons of advice. He is trying to stay neutral and not take sides, but how is he to keep from taking sides when he is with Jen all the time and rarely has time to even talk to us?

In the midst of all this, I am trying to deal with everyone inside. Trying to explain that this divorce is not like what we went through. The littlest one is afraid of the distance of losing the kiddo. She loves to play, color and have fun with the kiddo. She is 7 too.
The teen (19)is upset that Jen is so crazy and people are succumbing to her manipulations.
The older one (40's) is trying to keep everyone calm and help me explain to them the situation.
I am trying to sort of shelter them, but when I am at my weakest and am down, they are able to come out and hear stuff.
I just wish I could send them away for a short while, whilst I get things straightened out.

Anyways, enough ranting and raving, I just really wanted to let you all know what is going on and why I have not been around.

(((( onlymedid )))))

Oh my. Lots of hugs and a shoulder to lean on going out to you.

Try to take care of you first. I know you're standing in the flames of hell, but try to find some quiet time so you can try to think things through.

I'm sorry you are tangled up in her web.

Could you go on ahead of SO and stay with family, get a job and prepare for when they are able to follow?

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Thanks for checking in.

Petunia

Thanks so much Petunia,
I am looking at going ahead. The only thing is that my SO has no one here to help. This marriage was for 10 years, so he is having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that his soon-to-be ex hates him. He was always supportive of her. He even went as far as to sacrifice his feelings for her. Until I came along he was the caretaker and I had to help him come out of his shell and speak his feelings.
I think she now realizes that he is not going to run into her room after she cusses him out and give her hugs and tell her it's ok.
I am really trying to take care of myself.
Thanks again. I need hugs ATM.
~onlymedid

onlymedid

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is self-care, but if you don't take care of yourself, there will be no one to help SO or the kiddo. Long distance relationships aren't easy but they can be managed.

You do have a lot going on and my thoughts are with you.

SBD

I am sorry you have so much on your plate right now. I too hope that you consider time for yourself. I wish I had more advice but I really wanted to let you know I am here and that I care.

BB

Thanks SBD and BB, I really appreciate your thoughts and caring. I am trying to keep myself out of the mess as much as possible.
My SO and I are going to the County courthouse tomorrow and a legal clinic to seek advice.

I am going to take 2 hours out of the day tomorrow to spend time with my inside crew. I realize that neglecting them could have bad consequences in the long run!

(((((((( onlymedid ))))))))))

You have more on your plate than I can possibly imagine. I do hope you take care of yourself. Also, please, please protect that child, even if he needs to go live with other relatives for a while.

I wish you the very best.

Hugs,

Jan

Thanks Jan.
Our first and primary concern is that he is safe, stable and in a loving environment.
We are doing everything in our power for him.