So Many Issues

I have so many diagnoses. And I started this account, choosing this name, with the intention of moving forward. But I'm not getting anywhere because I can't really remember the recent past. I was in therapy for a year and remember 20% of it. How am I supposed to move forward when I can't remember, and don't know where I am? My therapist always said I made progress but I never saw it at all. I can't really remember where I was, so how can I measure how I am now? But apparently it is better because other people at the mental health clinic..my psychiatrist and the intern who worked with me. They said I made great improvements. Why can't I see them?

I don't even know who I am. Well, I know my name. Where I was born. I remember what happened to me prior to 2011. But I feel no sense of identity. Its like living in a shell and not having a point of navigation. There is no north star in my head. I don't know where I'm going. There is no sense of a future, just that fact that I'm struggling every day and my problems just get worse and worse as time goes on. I can't catch a break. Its like problems on top of problems, and now I might be epileptic because I had repeated seizure like symptoms everyday for about 10 days. Out of the blue. I can't keep up with all these problems. Sometimes I just don't know why I'm even here at all. I have and serve no real purpose to humanity.

And who really does? 99% of this world's population exists to complete their cradle-to-grave biological life cycle anyway.

As for the improvements you can't see, sometimes not sinking any further into depression is the improvement. I know this is cliché, but truth is you need to allow yourself to celebrate the small victories before aiming for the big ones.

Before my more severe mental health problems hit, I had the intention of helping people. Not at a global scale, but on the individual and community level. I was in grad school to be a social worker, and it really gave me a sense of purpose. My cognitive and memory issues will make it difficult to pursue this path again. I want to believe I can do it, but training for work shows me that I retain very little of what I learn and that it will be extremely challenging for me to perform at an academic level. I am incredibly intelligent, intellectual, but my mind doesn't work like it did prior to my first episode at the end of 2010. After getting my masters, I intended to get a Ph. D to contribute to the knowledge base and perhaps teach at the college level. I really feel like I've lost so much, but hopefully it can be regained and my life plans can become a possibility.

Small victories. I guess getting a job. Though its well below my educational level. Its a job I enjoy though.

Where does memory issues and identity issues fall in the spectrum of mental health issues? There don't seem to be specific disorders for that, except for Dissociative Amnesia.

i can relate to your feelings i have been out of work with mental health issues for years and years i feel its a trap i cant get out of you dont know were to turn to ect the only thing thats helping me out at the moment is getting active keeping busy takes your mind of things and gives you a scene of purpose.

trying to move forward, i can understand your frustrations. I suffered brain seizures six in one day and went to ER. they did nothing for it. i struggle with my memory and have learned not to react to my frustrations of who i use to be or what others do, but learn to accept my limited existence of who i am today and work with that. you are not alone and remember we all are here for you. blessings