[internalpuppetshow]

(Sorry about typos, my keys are busted and I don't feel myself).

God, I don't know how to phrase this but I have trouble with reality sometimes, and am currently having an episode of it. It's much different from a panic attack (body is not reacting at all to it, just mind) and I just want to see if there's others who feel the same way so I know how to deal with it.

I don't know why I'm typing this, thought I'd never really use this site, but with a new username and such I feel more comfortable.

It feels like everything's nearly literally collapsing and I don't know what to do. It'll pass eventually, I know, but no matter how much I try to keep myself 'grounded', it's not working. Music, drawing, light exercise, mild s.h., nothing's working or restoring itself to normal. It feels like I'm flying and though I'm used to slighter episodes, it's never been this bad.

Even as I type it feels like the text is just flying through space or something. Not a fun sort of flying, it feels like a dissociative episode where my soul left and is hurtling through the air at a frightening speed, but also like I'm falling throuhg the earth. (Bad wording, I suck at that).

Not on any meds, no drugs, no nothing. Just a pissy brain. Any help, please?

[Leornado211]

What I got from your written post is you are having a sever depression disorders, I just want to say here you need to change your place like change environment and see the results asap.

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by Leornado211

What I got from your written post is you are having a sever depression disorders, I just want to say here you need to change your place like change environment and see the results asap.

I do have depression, but have no means of changing my environment unless I move somewhere else (which is impossible as I have no job). My family's never had a car so I'm used to not being able to get around too well, so I started going on long walks everywhere.

It's the whole area within an hour-walking proximity that I'm used to. Going places doesn't fix this. In fact, a lot of places make me uncomfortable so I avoid them, and going to new places altogether gives me anxiety. Kind of stuck here. (By the way, the episode is over for now, episodes are luckily short: 1- 1.5 hours)

[Nammu]

Sounds a bit like depersonalization .

[Ocean Swimmer]

When's the last time you've seen a doctor?
Or a clinic?
Or maybe a support group free. Thru NAMI DBSA.
We'll help as much as possible thru the forum.

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

When's the last time you've seen a doctor?
Or a clinic?
Or maybe a support group free. Thru NAMI DBSA.
We'll help as much as possible thru the forum.

Thanks for everyone's help here, by the way. It's nice to be around people who understand you, as cringely cliché as that sounds.

I haven't seen a doc in about a year. They just got a blood sample, then never contacted me again. I don't trust those in the medical profession (no offense to anyone here who is), only because of bad experiences. They thought I was on drugs solely because my pupils were dilated since I had just had an anxiety attack an hour prior, and wouldn't listen to my assurances that I wasn't.

I want to see someone, at least, but therapists are sketchy too. They'll likely shove pills in my face. Even at the age of 20, I have to be careful my parents know as little about me as possible because if they find out I'm going for therapy, they'll slap the 'crazy' label on me and kick me out. They have threatened to do so before because I have no job (and can't get one due to these problems) and call me screwed up just because I'm not as talkative and outgoing as my brother. It's a pain in the neck.

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Sounds a bit like depersonalization .

I looked it up, sounds pretty similar. (Back in it again today). If you've experienced it before, are there any methods to prevent/cease it that worked for you?

[kkrrhh]

I think I've experienced something very similar. Maybe not 100% exactly the same because even each different spell of it varies in ways for me. :P
It does sound like depersonalization and/or derealization. Sometimes it feels like more than that for me, but I don't know, I guess dissociation can be complex. I've been going through a spell of it that has kinda in some ways been getting better, but definitely still there. A weird thing that's stuck out about this time is just how confused I feel at everything. It sounds weird, but it's like my brain is having trouble making sense of the world and everything, and I'm overthinking the simplest little things. The way I've found myself describing it to people a few times the past couple months is that my mood is just, "confused." I'm not confused about something particular, I just feel confusion a lot, generally. And I feel some of the thing you were talking about where it's like... the world is crazy and the way my brain's seeing it is so inconsistent and it does just make the world seem a mess. I have a general sense a lot of needing to do something to fix it, or it'll just fall apart worse, but I never know what.

I've been having especially bad trouble grounding myself lately, too. One thing that helps me is going through the senses one by one, kinda doing what I think some people call body scan meditation. It also helps me to find certain mantras to tell myself when it's bad - self affirming, grounding, whatever I need. I've read one a lot of people use for dissociation, "I am here, here I am," but I don't know if that one helps me much personally.
It also really helps to remind myself sometimes that it's only a change in my brain doing this, and that it's temporary - the world is still there, working the same way, it's the same world that seemed more normal to me and made sense before, and it will again. I'm still me, I'm here, and I'm experiencing some problems but they will pass, and these feelings, even if unpleasant, aren't actually dangerous and technically can't harm me.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

I think I've experienced something very similar. Maybe not 100% exactly the same because even each different spell of it varies in ways for me. :P
It does sound like depersonalization and/or derealization. Sometimes it feels like more than that for me, but I don't know, I guess dissociation can be complex. I've been going through a spell of it that has kinda in some ways been getting better, but definitely still there. A weird thing that's stuck out about this time is just how confused I feel at everything. It sounds weird, but it's like my brain is having trouble making sense of the world and everything, and I'm overthinking the simplest little things. The way I've found myself describing it to people a few times the past couple months is that my mood is just, "confused." I'm not confused about something particular, I just feel confusion a lot, generally. And I feel some of the thing you were talking about where it's like... the world is crazy and the way my brain's seeing it is so inconsistent and it does just make the world seem a mess. I have a general sense a lot of needing to do something to fix it, or it'll just fall apart worse, but I never know what.

I've been having especially bad trouble grounding myself lately, too. One thing that helps me is going through the senses one by one, kinda doing what I think some people call body scan meditation. It also helps me to find certain mantras to tell myself when it's bad - self affirming, grounding, whatever I need. I've read one a lot of people use for dissociation, "I am here, here I am," but I don't know if that one helps me much personally.
It also really helps to remind myself sometimes that it's only a change in my brain doing this, and that it's temporary - the world is still there, working the same way, it's the same world that seemed more normal to me and made sense before, and it will again. I'm still me, I'm here, and I'm experiencing some problems but they will pass, and these feelings, even if unpleasant, aren't actually dangerous and technically can't harm me.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks for the suggestions. I can relate with the overall confusion and disconnect, and I'm usually in some state of dissociation at all times, it never really goes away. (Hell, a lot of my typos/grammar pissups are overlooked because I simply can't connect with what I'm typing and my brain sees them as 'correct', keeps auto-correcting them in my thoughts). I've gotten used to the ever-present, moderate dissociation as I have gotten used to chronic headaches, but as with headaches, it's not something you can get used to; you just get used to the idea of it.

I try to use the grounding technique of being as self-aware of my surroundings as possible, sifting through news articles to remind myself that the world is still there and not vanishing anytime soon, using all my senses to connect to the world. The problem is, when I do this, I experience some kind of opposite-dissociative feeling. The best way I can describe it is: rather than feeling like nothing's real and everything's slipping away, it feels like everything's too real, towering over me and ready to collapse on top of me. Kind of a heavy feeling, but not quite like the episodes of dread I have. Hard to describe. It feels like every pound of the earth's weight is under my feet and it's pulling me into its gravitational pull. Kind of spooky, like the entirety of space is looming above and I can feel the weight. Out of the pan and into the fire, so to speak.

[bathroomscrubber]

I have felt similar to what you are describing, and the Dr. Is an idiot for just assuming. They should have drawn blood if they thought that way. A lot of people's pupils dilate from anxiety. My son has adhd his pupils were always dilated. Even after they put him on meds and even after I took him off. I constantly battled the feeling, usually I got it from being indoors so much, this is a new discovery for me, I didn't realize that was an issue, but I've been going for walks everyday and it's gotten better. I was also having racing jumbled thoughts (couldn't really process thoughts because others would start and continue pattern) I suffer from anxiety really bad also. Fear of the unknown, afraid of getting lost, afraid of people. The other day I honestly thought I was going crazy. So I decided to go for a walk. But it wasn't just any walk. I was going to face the unknown even if I got lost. As I was walking, I tried to do the awareness exercises, and pay attention to my surroundings. Instead the thoughts kept intruding. I started actually focusing on the thoughts and ended up meeting my feelings, emotions, and moods. It was like meeting lost ,missing, pieces of myself. I had walked for over three hours, getting to know myself. Something I never had the answer for before. Until I got back home I didn't realize I was sore from walking, as a matter of fact I kinda had a bounce to my step. I'm not saying I liked all the things I discovered about myself,but I discovered things I do like also. I felt almost whole for the first time I can ever remember. I'm not saying you have the same problem, but maybe you have something inside of you that needs you to recognize it, and maybe facing the unknown (scary ) with no destination in mind, will help you to discover it and you won't feel so bad. I have not had any anxiety for 2 days now, and my thoughts are not racing, and my mind is so much more clear. I've noticed certain things still trigger me and my mind does still wander sometimes, but I have better control of it now. It's not such a scary thing anymore. I've suffered from those problems since I was a child almost daily. I'm 40 now. I wish I went on that long scary walk sooner. I hope you can find your way to find what's causing your distress sooner than I did. I was afraid of myself.

[BlueEyedMama]

When my anxiety gets really bad and into panic attack mode I sometimes feel outside of myself as well. I'm sorry that you are going through all this and wish you the best. *hugs*

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by bathroomscrubber

I have felt similar to what you are describing, and the Dr. Is an idiot for just assuming. They should have drawn blood if they thought that way. A lot of people's pupils dilate from anxiety. My son has adhd his pupils were always dilated. Even after they put him on meds and even after I took him off. I constantly battled the feeling, usually I got it from being indoors so much, this is a new discovery for me, I didn't realize that was an issue, but I've been going for walks everyday and it's gotten better. I was also having racing jumbled thoughts (couldn't really process thoughts because others would start and continue pattern) I suffer from anxiety really bad also. Fear of the unknown, afraid of getting lost, afraid of people. The other day I honestly thought I was going crazy. So I decided to go for a walk. But it wasn't just any walk. I was going to face the unknown even if I got lost. As I was walking, I tried to do the awareness exercises, and pay attention to my surroundings. Instead the thoughts kept intruding. I started actually focusing on the thoughts and ended up meeting my feelings, emotions, and moods. It was like meeting lost ,missing, pieces of myself. I had walked for over three hours, getting to know myself. Something I never had the answer for before. Until I got back home I didn't realize I was sore from walking, as a matter of fact I kinda had a bounce to my step. I'm not saying I liked all the things I discovered about myself,but I discovered things I do like also. I felt almost whole for the first time I can ever remember. I'm not saying you have the same problem, but maybe you have something inside of you that needs you to recognize it, and maybe facing the unknown (scary ) with no destination in mind, will help you to discover it and you won't feel so bad. I have not had any anxiety for 2 days now, and my thoughts are not racing, and my mind is so much more clear. I've noticed certain things still trigger me and my mind does still wander sometimes, but I have better control of it now. It's not such a scary thing anymore. I've suffered from those problems since I was a child almost daily. I'm 40 now. I wish I went on that long scary walk sooner. I hope you can find your way to find what's causing your distress sooner than I did. I was afraid of myself.

Glad that worked for you, I'll try it. I can't help but to feel doubtful, though (nothing personal, just by experience). I used to go on walks all the time. I walked about 2-2.5 hours a day for about a few years, once I walked for 3. Got lost in my thoughts, got connected to nature. Didn't do a thing for me. I still felt that people were hiding behind and inside of trees, waiting to jump me. It's stupid, seeing as I was a late teen at the time, but I always thought someone was going to run up and stab me. Or something inhuman and non-animal would attack me.

I'm very, very critical of my own appearance (funny because I don't see anyone else being ugly) and this is one thing that also makes me not want to go out. I'm an eyesore and very aware of this fact, and people do give me looks. Kind of a pain in the neck because I don't know if it's because I'm ugly or they know something. Winter is the only time I'll rarely go out because I can hide this ugly mug behind a scarf. Doesn't do anything for my mood, though, it's likely not fixable at all.

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by internalpuppetshow

Glad that worked for you, I'll try it. I can't help but to feel doubtful, though (nothing personal, just by experience). I used to go on walks all the time. I walked about 2-2.5 hours a day for about a few years, once I walked for 3. Got lost in my thoughts, got connected to nature. Didn't do a thing for me. I still felt that people were hiding behind and inside of trees, waiting to jump me. It's stupid, seeing as I was a late teen at the time, but I always thought someone was going to run up and stab me. Or something inhuman and non-animal would attack me.

I'm very, very critical of my own appearance (funny because I don't see anyone else being ugly) and this is one thing that also makes me not want to go out. I'm an eyesore and very aware of this fact, and people do give me looks. Kind of a pain in the neck because I don't know if it's because I'm ugly or they know something. Winter is the only time I'll rarely go out because I can hide this ugly mug behind a scarf. Doesn't do anything for my mood, though, it's likely not fixable at all.

Going for a walk and getting lost probably cannot work for you unless you could block out the thoughts of people jumping out at you as you do so. Because I was totally submerge in my mind. My subconscious had to have been doing the walking for me, because I don't remember the walk until I turned around to come back. Unless you could block that fear out, you can't get totally lost in your mind. I'm terrified of getting lost, but I told myself I had every intention of getting lost. That was after the "Mindfullness" wasn't working. I could not focus on anything without my mind drifting to something else, but not making much sense, because they just over lapped each other. Idk I think I started unraveling the thoughts to get to why. I'm not saying it will work for you, but it's a suggestion. I didn't go for the walk expecting it to happen. I used to walk all the time also. But I was always focused on something in particular that jumbled around so it wasn't same thing. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense

[Fuzzybear]

I saw this message previously and while it's possible that I did not reply it's much more more likely that my messages are being deleted. I've noticed that happening even on the very few other boards where I leave messages.

The only thing that I want to say is that I love the taste and texture of that two word question, "Reality collapsing?"

The phrase has a grace and eloquence that describes a question that I have been asking myself, in a clumsier fashion, for months now.

An excellent question carefully phrased that gets to the point in a universal way.

Hope that you don't mind if I reuse it? I (over)use the phrase "fragile reality" but "reality collapsing" has a finality that I like.

Thanks,

[internalpuppetshow]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

I saw this message previously and while it's possible that I did not reply it's much more more likely that my messages are being deleted. I've noticed that happening even on the very few other boards where I leave messages.

The only thing that I want to say is that I love the taste and texture of that two word question, "Reality collapsing?"

The phrase has a grace and eloquence that describes a question that I have been asking myself, in a clumsier fashion, for months now.

An excellent question carefully phrased that gets to the point in a universal way.

Hope that you don't mind if I reuse it? I (over)use the phrase "fragile reality" but "reality collapsing" has a finality that I like.

Thanks,

It's fine, go ahead. To be honest, after I put this thread up I wondered if those two words were too vague but I had no other words to describe it and those seemed the best to me at the time. Pleased to see that others relate, but also hoping everyone here gets better quickly, or learns to adapt to it and live their lives to their fullest.

It sure does feel like a final thing, though, kind of the apathy that began to set in when I was a kid. Like having crummy vision, it's not going to get better. It just worsens and worsens and sometimes you end up blind. But these are just crummy analogies and I really don't know where I'm going with this, I'm tired.