Compound grief support needed

Hi , Everyone I have been here for about a month maybe now but I never really posted too much about why I am here .

I suffer from ptsd, gad, severe depression , panic disorder and what is called compound grief , I am doing life alone on ssdi .

I have lost several loved ones, family members, pets, friends and have been unable to heal from one loss before I get hit by another. I do not have a support circle and have been trying to go it alone.

In the past 5 years I have lost my husband who abandoned me and our pets,
My 13 year old cat whom I was so very close to died in my arms,
My mother passed away , my BF decided he was going to move out of state and told me one day before he left. My brother passed away shortly after that , my dog is now ill and I may have to put her to sleep. And just a few minutes ago I received word that my aunt has just passed.

I just want to know if the pain will ever end?... How do people get through these times when there is no support , family or friends to help ?

I feel so anxious and depressed all the time that I don't even want to be awake anymore. I am losing my fighting spirit.

I try to stay busy , hobbies , trying to make friends ect. but it's so hard when I keep having to fight so hard just to wake up alone in my bed and contemplate why the hell am I even here on this earth.

I find it so hard to catch my breath .

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear all this.
PC might be a great place to get feedback from the community, share and put your thoughts into words and therapy might me helpful too.
But for now I am just going to leave lots of hugs here for you and hope that you find some comfort!

May you find kindness and understanding here.

Perhaps consider evidence there are positives in your ife? Maybe make a list no matter how short it is. Have you considered writing your thoughts in a journal? Doing so is very therapeutic; and, it's not like your journal will give you negative feedback. Warning though, don't just reserve your journal for the negative. It is easy to ruminate. Agin, finding positives is also a good exercise.

I'm sorry for your losses.

You grieve because you love, and the only way to get through grief is to grieve. However, if you look at all your losses as one giant loss you will be overwhelmed, and whenever we get overwhelmed we must think of three words: break it down.

Thus you may want to look at each loss individually. You can do this by chronology.

In the end the grief will always be there. You can change jobs, get married, whatever, but the grief is still there. You get used to it. And it's a good thing. It's a good thing because it ensures that you'll never forget. And you don't want to forget.

I don't have any wise words. After my best friend died, a teacher I had told me grief is like opening a furnace and feeling that sudden heat and intensity. He said it's like that for the rest of my life. The only thing is that I stop opening that furnace so often.

He was somewhat right, I guess. I still grieve that loss, and several others since, but the passage of time has made the emotion less intense most of the time. I do sometimes still get the open furnace though.

I wish you peace, and to know, as Kindness said, your loved ones live forever in your heart. Sending as many hugs as you need, and prayers.

Thanks and yes although there aren't many ,I do write the positives in my journals also I have a happy board it's a board that I pin notes in the shape of hearts that say positives in my life so that when I wake up I can read them . Helps a little with self support