Sometimes, I have trouble dealing with my intelligence, do I think too much?

I stopped playing video games because I felt they were flat-out wastes of time and I could use this time for more productive things. Nowadays, I spend some of that time I got back, reading self-improvement books, biographies, books on success but also, watch some tv shows (very rarely) and more often, reading manga. Then came the great epiphany, manga are just like video games so if I follow my logic, they're also a waste of time but I have no problem reading them, yet, I have problem with video games. It's as if I feel I wasted so much time in the past playing video games (which I did, it's not even a question, it's a fact, 20 years of compulsive playing I'll never get back) that now I want to do PRODUCTIVE THINGS all the time! Or almost. I read mangas before going to bed but mangas are a leisure, a pastime just like video games and my intelligence is really backfiring BIG TIME, this time. If this continue like this, I might someday only want to work, work, work but I know I need to relax or I'll explode (hopefully not in the literal way!)! I believe I think too much but I can't help it, I'm like that, it's part of who I am.

I have always been extremely ambivalent, I look at something and then I look at the other side. I want this but I also want that. I want to meet a girl but then I don't. I make plan to go hike in the mountains one day but change idea at the last minute. It's such a hassle to make decisions sometimes, I feel like there are 2 entities in myself and they're very often in contradiction. Do any of you speak to himself/herself? I don't talk to myself using my voice but I think, I have these internal discussions with myself and it goes on and on. Not all the time and it's mostly positive, I try to keep it that way but I'm ambivalence incarnate and I'd like to recover from this curse. There must be a way to recover from ambivalence, anyone know?

I'll add that I always try to do everything the optimal way. I want to look perfect, do things perfect and I know no one/nothing is perfect but I'm such a perfectionist, if the dishes aren't done after supper I will not be pleased with myself. If the bed is not done, it will affect me somehow, just like not having had time to read a book or working on my mathematics. It's like, I feel there is a way I feel I should be every day and I don't accept failure because I want to be the best version of me, every day of my life. I gotta do these things every day, I have a little list in my head and if something's missing, it's a failure. I absolutely hate with I procrastinate, I get really angry and feel like I'm not living up to my expectations.

If you read my past threads you know by now I achieved success in pretty much every aspect of my life except love and people say I'm very courageous, very incredible, for coming back this strong after a decade of physical/psychological abuse. I look great, I'm very smart, I worked at the government, I get 94s at school, I can talk to girls, I can talk with men, I have a very strict diet, amazing life habits, I sleep 8 hours a night, I help people, I'm a yuge philanthropist, I got a sanity score of 6 the other day, I get A LOT of things done in a day, I work out 3 times a week. Still, there are so many ways I'm not satisfied with myself, I should be even better, so much better, we have only one life to live on this planet and I wanna be like my idol, Donald Trump. I wanna build an empire and make this world better! I must give back to people and help as much as I can, it's my purpose on Earth, just like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, I really want to become as rich as I can (but it must be done legally and honestly). I don't want to live in a castle or buy fancy cars (a Honda Civic would be fine, I love this car, it's so easy to drive and quite cheap), I'm totally the opposite of many rich people. I'm a big philanthropist, if I cold give 50 billions for saving the world I would but until then, I must become better otherwise it will fail and I don't want to fail, I cannot fail!! I survived rape, over a hundred beatings, dozens of dozens of rejection, no girlfriend in 15 years, no kiss in 15 years (one hug), having a sick mother that leave me morbid voicemail and threaten to suicide daily, an absent father, almost no friends, failing grade 9 once, some severe injuries (I always came back 100%), getting lost in a foreign city and not eating for over a day, getting forced to shower in front of people and pee on my feet, getting forced to walk outside naked, beat up to death, they could make a movie out of my life and everyone would cry, it would become a masterpiece (though it would be a very sad masterpiece), I cannot fail after fighting so hard for over 2 decades!! I was always the underdog yet I always triumphed in the long run, for all the people that supported me and if only for myself, I don't have the right to stop. But I should be better and this frustration devours me...

I am sorry you experienced so many traumatic events, you sound like a very strong person with lots of determination.... Sounds like your doing a good job getting through all your emotions rather then ignoring or stuffing them down. Yea I have been single for a while too, I am really enjoying the peacefulness of being single... Lol

well very good beause you stop games they are waste of time .Instead use time for readinf personal development ,motivational ,mind etc .They will help you a lot in the lonh time .But also you cannot work full time you also must dedicate some time for relaxation fun joy etc .Its good to make you a program for example i wake up everyday at 7 00 am and i work only creative at 17 00 pm do it like a job also read making money online guides they are a lot .And also you are indecided because the other bad pasrt of you who was playing games and procrestination want to come back to take control over you .Dont let it be decided respect your program and make only creative things .Good luck

Thanks Ht32. Yes, being single IS pretty enjoyable but I love women, I NEED a woman in my life. lol

Wow, what a great, enlighting post, Handheart, thanks! I thought ''okay, you're accomplishing all those things in video games but what about, accomplishing things in REAL life?'', it was an epiphany, I never looked back after that. Yes, that's a great plan! I thought about doing that in the past but dropped the idea because I wasn't disciplined enough, today is the day I try again! Mmh, do you have any example that aren't scams? Because I know there are a lot but many, many, many, are scams. Thanks again Handheart, I'm off to work on statistics and probability!

Please STOP and consider these thoughts....

Your overachiever and perfectionist qualities are admirable,
but I'm wondering if maybe you are too hard on yourself,
(too many demands/expectations) because
(maybe) it makes you feel like,
IF you have CONTROL over everything, bad things won't ever happen to you again?

- Even Donald Trump (your idol) has had many "failures"; I think he has filed for 4 bankruptcies and 2 marriages ending in divorce, and likely dozens of girlfriends...

And those are the type of things that make him seem more human.

I expect he would say (like most successful people do),
that he's learned more valuable lessons from his failures, then he has from his successes.

Personal relationships are complicated and very unpredictable -
And they often FAIL,
but the joy (while in them) far exceeds, the pain we feel when they end.

It's almost impossible, to feel healthy, without somebody caring about us.

Feeling loved will also help to heal the scars, from all those people that were so horrific to you.

Keep conquering the world, but please try to let somebody into your life, to share all your successes with.
I'm fairly certain that, will make you feel better, and more relaxed/content.

Since you're so independent and self-motivated, you have nothing to lose.
(You're obviously not afraid of being alone, like too many people are).
Minimal risk.

And btw, those who really care about you, it won't matter to them how BIG your empire is - -External successes are a measurement convenient for Society and Strangers,
but not a true indicator of a person's self worth, or their value as a human being.
It's the opinion's of those who care and love you, that matters most.

I remember a long time ago somebody said to me,
"It's what's written on our tombstones when we die, that really mattered in our life "
(I won't have one because I want to be cremated)...
But anyway,
tombstones say things like, "faithful husband, loving daughter...caring friend";

And, they don't say things like,
"Earned a million"; "Donated to a hundred charities"; "Opened 5 successful businesses"; "Won and became president"; "Read 1000 books", etc.

Important, admirable accomplishments, but not the MOST important thing in our lives.

Allow yourself more free time, to be human,
and to experience those things, that some day, will matter to you the most.

Good Luck

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/perfectionism

Hi Lazarus, - one gifted to another. This is what I learned. "don't be food." Oh and that we won't fail. Ever. Also our stories are very similar equally horrific and yes I know it's the tip of the iceberg.
peace and love.

Wow, thanks for the link Kindness, I looked up a few links on perfectionism and the answer is often right under our nose. The solution is too easy, that's why we miss it.

Thanks a lot!!

Did I went mad, am I talking to myself? loll I'm kidding but I really felt I was speaking with myself for a few seconds. Thanks for the post lostprisoner, peace and love to U2 as well, my friend!

All right, I'll stop (for a few minutes... go ahead )

My, my, you're a mind-reader, you read me like a book. I'm indeed doing all this to protect myself from further suffering but doing so, is perhaps hurting me even more, I'm starting to fear...

You are correct, no personal bankruptcy but 4 business out of over 500 didn't work out. What is funny, is that I know failures are part of life and are a great way to learn so I'm not even scared of failing but I sometimes act as if I was, I must have more faith in myself.

I agree.

Hahahaha, normally, I would have said yes but I just read one of his books and he said he learns more of his successes than his failures. I wouldn't have expected less from a man very different to most successful people. That's Donald for you.

Yes, in my researches, I found out studies were made on the consequences of rejection. Researchers found out the human body send the same signals after rejection, as after suffering physical pain. I guess you could call it ''psychological pain'' and while, I agree with all you wrote, I know it's right, I felt too much of that psychological pain during my childhood and it blocks me BUT I know it and I'm very determined to break free! Further researches have proved that fighting rejection by exposing ourselves to rejection and telling ourselves it's all right and go for more rejection, will eventually desensitize us and cure us. I've been knowing it for some time now but I must put it into practise... the hardest part!

That's right, I feel very much healthy but I long for love and I can't recall the number of articles I read online, about the many benefits of love relationships on the human.

Yes, I will finally break free from the chains of my past.

I so agree with you. I'll admit I often dreamed of having a woman in my life, to share all my success with but for various reasons, it has not materialized... yet. I feel the day is coming and probably sooner than I think.

That sounds like a very good deal, minimal risk and with everything to win. I have nothing to lose!

Again, you strike right. I remember apologizing to my father in the past for being such a failure and the worst son he could possibly hope for. He said that he loved me as I am, that despite many setbacks I always came back stronger and always succeeded and that he would always support me no matter what I do. I cried for 5 minutes.

Wow, you sir, are a sage and I thank you with all my heart. Your post brought so much sense, so much clarity and so much light, in my life. I'm gonna apply it's principles from now on and for the rest of my life.

THANK YOU!!

Hi L,

This post seemed like you are in a manic state compared to your usual posts.

I think you have a great personality and just by that, I'm sure so many women would love to get to know you.

Who do you come into contact with on a regular basis in your day that you find attractive? Just ask them out. Stop over thinking so much. Get in touch with your inner Neanderthal!

Hi T,

Yeah, this must have been the case. I was agitated but now I'm feeling better, thanks to all of you.

Thanks Tisha, that very sweet of you! I'm sure of it too, I just gotta break the glass and start dating again!

A lot of girls at the gym. Lol, ''my inner Neanderthal'', great advice, thanks!

There is efficiency and there is effectiveness. To be efficient is to do something well and quick and properly; to be effective is to be doing the right thing and to be doing the appropriate things. Often we fail to keep active moving toward our goal and dream, or be impatient or to in love with our dream and grow anxious, or force things or become discouraged or too brusque and rude in our frustration. We give up or kick and wrestle with others ruining our progress or destroying help we would otherwise have or would receive.
Sometimes though we do continue in our efforts. Mistakenly we hurry about in industriousness with efficiency, but we do not do so with effectiveness.

Outer Limits T.V. Series (Episode: The Message) 'there is no sound, there is no cry, there is no voice, until it is heard.''

Hi,
1st opportunity I've had to follow-up with this thread,
and the first thing I noticed is I left out my most important thought to you...
It's something somebody said to ME recently,
and probably the most important reminder/advice I've heard/read/learned in a really long time...

It is this simple:

You NEED A Hug


The End.
--------------------------
Now for a few other unimportant thoughts...
Please don't let it distract you from my most important thought today (above):
"Give/get a hug"...

1. I'm not a sir, I suppose I am a "Maam", but since that makes me feel too old, I'll just say I'm a woman...
2. A sage: I thought you were referring to me as a culinary herb -LOL
Just goes to show, how my intelligence these days is compromised.
Thank goodness for dictionary.com which defines SAGE as: A profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.
(Thank you! Best compliment I've received in a really long time).

3. Details on "You need a hug"...We ALL need a hug today to validate our existence.
--> Don't ponder, think, review, or evaluate my thought...Just do it (hug).
Doesn't matter who, where, why you HUG, can even be yourself...or your dog/cat...or your pillow...Just do it.

But, in case you still NEED to justify or intellectualize MY MOST IMPORTANT THOUGHT for today, (I did)...
I just came across an interesting website, in the google results for keywords, I need a hug, which gives lots of tips on hugging: How To Give A Great Hug

Btw, I never heard of Mastin Kipp or thedailylove website, before today - But figured if his home page shows him with Oprah, it must be a reputable site. (Let me know if he is not).

Have a great day - And I'll come back later, to let you know if anybody (other than my pillow) was willing to hug me today.

I sure hope so, since I woke up feeling very unimportant, almost invisible, today. Until I read response by Lazarus16;
Thank you for not only teaching me a new word (sage) but making feel like somebody, that I too often forget, has purpose and value and reasons for being alive.
I had planned to be alone, responsible and catch up on important business work today, but think I'll ditch that plan for now (10 am) and instead be visible in the world, in hopes of being hugged...

Hi- I'm not sure why, but I don't get it "Don't be food"...

Do you mean, don't be eaten up, or devoured, by others, or life?

While I feel really stupid asking for clarification, I think your comment likely has great importance, that I seem to be missing.

I think of food as a good thing, not bad=Nourishment that gives us strength to conquer the world.

(Btw, I am intelligent, not gifted, but determined to understand, what others are saying/thinking/feeling.
As for failure, never existed in my mind as a possibility, until a few years ago, now it's an expectation, and successes, big or little, are a welcome, unexpected surprises...sad but true.
Expecting failure, is something, I think can sometimes happen to normally confident people, when they are overwhelmed or have been exposed to too many traumas or horrific events during a brief period of time. IDK).