[DePressMe]

I am not sure where to post this—I guess everything that fits into several categories ends up in general…so, here it is.

I have struggled with depression since I was a kid—my first suicide attempt was at age 11. This last bout of depression has been with me since 1999. A few months ago the depression broke and I felt rather neutral—not happy, not sad, just not depressed. Now, for the first time since 1999, I can honestly say I am having glimpses of happiness. What a strange feeling.

I have been sober for over a year and half—I feel good about my sobriety and have not had an urge to drink in a long time.

My eating patterns are good and my weight has remained stable.

No self harming behavior in months.

I am making real progress in therapy and it is not bringing me down or causing me to disassociate.

My work situation is improving, I am getting work done around the house, my art is going good, my finances are getting better…etc. The only real stressor I have right now is that my relationship with my partner is falling apart, but that has been ongoing for a year.

Although all this good is happening to me, I feel like I am in a very delicate stage. Like anything could tip the scales back into the depression or I could pick up and drink tomorrow. Anything could happen and I would be right back in the hole again. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

My biggest concern at the moment is that I am getting triggered by posts here at PC. Although I am really feeling the best I have in years, I am still having problems reading other people’s stories without putting myself in their shoes and feeling what I think they should be feeling. Or really, its more like the emotions I have had in the past all come flooding back. That’s tough because there are some very difficult stories here at PC. It is also tough because I want to be supportive to others. Sometimes I read a post and I just can’t write because I feel overwhelmed by emotions. Then I feel guilty that I don’t write anything or can’t really express what I want to say. It is frustrating.

So, here I am, ready to end this post, but I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure what the point of this post really is…I guess if I was to sum it all up I’d say that I feel good, my life is getting better, but I am struggling with posting here at PC and I have an overwhelming need to let you all know what is going on with me.

Does anybody else ever have these feelings?

Thanks for listening.
DePressMe

[tranquility]

Well take time to rejoice that you are feeling better - that is great news!

Yes, I have felt several times in my recovery (mental and alcoholism) that the other shoe is going to drop. I think it's normal because we are so use to drama and upheaval that "normalness" feels so strange.

Don't knock yourself about not being able to respond to posts or be there for every single person. This is a great community and there is always someone who will be there for others and the players can change every day. Some days you are strong and other days it's someone else.

I think it's fabulous what you are accomplishing and you should be happy and proud!

Tranquility

[bebop]

yes hon I know what you mean. I have been there myself. I think for me what works is I don't read every post. if it is something I feel will trigger me I move on to something else. while I try to be supportive, I also realize I have to come first. I don't think there is a person here that doesn't feel this way at times. We can't always help and that is ok too. I am very proud that you are handling things well in a tough situation/s. I think it takes a strong person to remain sober during rough times! I applaud you! I don't always make alot of sense in my post either lol hang in there hon!

hey, woman, there are LOTs of posts that i can't read. and i knwo that the posters understand that not everyone can respond. i can talk about depression and bi-polar and then if i see that someone has posted and has had no replies, i always post to them.

i have to keep myself safe and so do you. do not worry about this too much. we all experience it and it's perfectly normal............

take care of you first. i want my print. xoxoxo pat

[snowflake_48888]

Yes I can relate to your post also. I have the tendency to put myself in their shoes on here and real life. I am trying so hard to seperate myself from what is really my problems and what is someone elses problem without the guilt feeling. I don't know why I have this behaviour but I certainly know it's not a good feeling inside me.

Snow

[DocClyde]

I can relate as well. There is that feeling that even though things are good, that something will happen, sooner or later to make it worse, or that feeling that you (or I, for that matter) are inches away from going back down that hill...

Best wishes...

[DePressMe]

Thanks to all of you for supporting me—I truly appreciate your feedback. It helps to know people understand.

At first, I admit, I was a little scared to be happy—it had been such a long time. But now I am letting some of it seep in. Its not like I feel like climbing on the roof and doing a dance, but I feel somewhat content with my life right now. It just hit me!!! You know what I have? I have HOPE that things will get better—I have hope that I can become the person I want to be. Hope, hope, hope…that’s an amazing thing. I still have doubts and such, but having a little glimmer of hope helps so much.

[MyBestKids2]

I don't really post much except in New Members and Kudos. I get afraid that I won't say the right thing, or maybe what I do say will be misunderstood. Its all my issues, I know that. Until I feel more comfortable, I'll stay within my boundaries.

I am so happy that things are looking up for you. You seem to be such a sweet kind and caring person!

[Bethsway]

Depressme...hope you keep feeling better and better!!! You deserve it!!!

[Greenleaves]

I'm glad you're feeling happy DePressMe. It's hard not to worry about slipping back.

(((((DePressMe))))))) It's OK to write about what's happening in your life.

[silentlyscreaming]

I'm glad that things are going better for you DePressMe. You deserve it.
Everything else I want to say has already been said by others, so I won't repeat it.