Opening up about my mind

I feel like the only way to explain my "Situation" Is here on the internet, as I fear my close friends and/or family members may not understand where I'm coming from. I don't want to get "Professional help". I feel like it's too embarrassing for me to say what I'm about to type in person (Please, I have no self-esteem and I'm highly self-conscious).

I grew up (for the most part), in a family who supports me. Yet, I feel like the way they raised me kind, may have contributed to this.. Those reasons, I will not post on here for the sake of privacy.

This is probably going to make me seem like the world's weirdest person to exist...

Odd Thoughts
Ok, where do I even start? Let's just say...I have had very..."Odd" thoughts.. Ever since a young age, I've entertained myself by playing a video game, reading something, watching a video, etc. As a result of this, my mind likes to create these "Alternate universes", where certain characters (Most of them which I make up), are in this world. These "characters", like us humans interact with this world. I've realized that these characters can also be from a certain video game I played.
I have fun with this "Alternate universe" and start creating back-stories for them, choose their careers, and in general their way of living (Usually, they're celebrities). My mind starts thinking this made-up person doing things.. Which usually relates to what happens to me in real life, what I hear on the news, etc.

These sort of thoughts can get..."Too entertaining" I guess, and I may begin to squirm in my chair or even run across the room out of nowhere. Please keep in mind that these thoughts get triggered mostly when I listen to meaningful music and video games!! .-.

Now, I 100% know that the people and the thoughts I get aren't real, but it's like my mind interprets they are or something???
Well, this is one part of this...erm..."Situation". I've had this sort of thing for as long I can remember and I know they are abnormal. I told my mom somethings like this not too long ago and she said she had the same thing and that its "normal"..

Well...Nobody else seems to have this sooo...

Odd Desirings
This is going to be embarrasing.. When I was younger, I used to get made fun of a lot, and I hated a variety of my classmates. If I hated them enough, I had imaginations of me breaking into their house and...Well..."Getting revenge". And when I say "Getting revenge", I mean writing stuff on their body with a permanent marker so that if they went to school the next morning, so they would be humiliated. I even had imaginations of shaving all of their hair off and perhaps some violent actions. Keep in mind that I was 6/7 years old....

Odd Likings
Now, onto the third part. This happened started a few months ago.
Let me just start off by saying I'm probably not depressed. For the most part, I like my life and have had no suicidal thoughts.

All of a sudden, I've had this weird liking for creepy, depressing things. I read some disturbing stories/videos online and listened to depressing songs and I had this strange feeling of...Pleasure? I'm pretty sure it wasn't sexual arousal, but it just felt...Good. However, it simultaneously felt odd at the same time.

Summary
I fear I have some sort of psychopathy, ADHD, anxiety, schizophrenia or something like that. I know that this isn't typical behavior for someone as young as me..

Anyone relate?....I'm quite concerned for my mental health..

Hello xGoldenrose: I don't know as there is much of anything I can say with regard to your concerns. I do believe you are correct that your family & friends are not the people to share this with... which is why, from my perspective, ruling out the possibility of seeing a mental health professional may be an unfortunate decision. It may well not be necessary to consider something like this now. However, as time goes on, if the experiences you're having continue, I hope you will reconsider the idea of seeking professional help.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

ok seriously I need some answers

Hey! So, maybe you don't want to here this but that all seems pretty normal to me.

It sounds like you're just super imaginative and are scared that that makes you abnormal. I play a lot of D&D with my friends, and the biggest complaint I get is that I get "too into the game". It's not that I start thinking that these characters, with their fully developed backgrounds and psyches, are real. It's that I treat them as if they are because I love the character I created. Like being really passionate about a character from a book or a movie or a video game. And thats usually because you see some of yourself in them. Which is not bad, because we all process through fiction in one way or another. Maybe by creating these alternate worlds and characters in them, you're also creating a space where you can explore alternative viewpoints to your own, or different ways of managing a situation that you wouldn't normally do?

Have you ever played D&D? It's a good way of exploring "alternate universes" and stuff like that, and from what you said you'll probably really like it.

So, this piece really stuck out for me, because I also do this! Whenever theres a really intense lead up in a movie, or anticipation, or stuff like that... I mean I can't really put my thumb on exactly what triggers it, but usually when I'm watching TV or movies, or playing D&D (that happens a lot), and occasionally when watching the news or live theatre. What it is for me is a "too much feelz" switch going off in my head. Doesn't matter what that feelz is, just that its there and it's trying to push over 100%. So I usually run like a headless chicken out of the room, or politely say "I'm going for a smoke" or "anyone want a snack" and then leave. Or I throw the blankets over my head and giggle maniacally until it's over. Weird yes, but not a mental illness. (although, I do have social phobia, so..... maybe related?) It can be embarrassing but my friends all find it kind of amusing and so I'm able to just laugh it off.

Once more, this doesn't seem odd to me. This actually seems pretty normal and healthy.


There is nothing wrong in liking depressing things, and it's normal to feel pleasure when experiencing art, especially art that you like or that resinates with you. My favourite short story is The Lottery. I love dystopia settings in most things, especially because the author or creator is being very open about what that actually means. To me this sounds like your tastes have changed and you're not sure why just that they have and you like it. Maybe try figuring out what you like about these "depressing things". Also, in art, depressing is some what subjective i think, as one person might say something is depressing because it shows the oppression of a subject, and another might say its hopeful because it shows the reaction of a subject to oppression. Arts weird like that.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you need to do some serious thinking on who you are, and then find a way to be okay with that, because you haven't really pointed out anything that to me sounds like a mental health concern, or really even that weird. Just normal stuff no one really talks openly about so it's sometimes hard to realize its normal.

Seriously though, see if you can find some ppl to play D&D with. Its really good for self exploration imo, as well as just creating new and awesome characters in fictional worlds. With other people!

Hi GoldenRose, I feel that Switch made some good points. It doesn't seem to odd to me to have thoughts like that when you're 6 years old. Especially if you didn't like the people and were they rude to you? Were you jealous of them? It sounds normal though I don't know the whole story. In the 4th grade I fantasized about cutting off my classmates hair at the last day of school because he was kind of a jerk, lol. In terms of the made up "alternate universes." It does sound like you are highly imaginative. Perhaps you could channel it into a creative endeavor like writing or art! I like the idea of D&D too. I was the same way and still can be when I am isolated for a while. That's when it usually happens for me. I used to think I was crazy too. But honestly, I think it was because I didn't have enough social interaction. I am curious to know how old you are. When I was age 17-23, I was kind of obsessed with the idea that something was wrong with me. It was true that I did have depression and anxiety, and was facing a lot of pressure from my parents at the time. But I had worries like yours too about schizophrenia, psychopathy, etc. I tend to question myself. One time, a psychologist told me "People who are really crazy, they think they are sane. They don't even question." Any who, I hope this helped on some level for you.
ps: I think melancholy music is the best. Depressing things on tv or video, well, I think everyone has some kind of preference and tolerance (for or against) with that kind of stuff?