[dudetodude]

Hey, I do not know how to start but I'll tell my story, please listen and tell me what to do.

I'm 21 years old guy from stressful anxious family, my mom come from house which her dad has abandoned them at age of 6.
When I was a baby, I was still suckling, so my ** grandma told my mom that I should stop that, and they leave me in my grandma's house for 3 days to stop stuckling, and it worked
My life seems like quiz to me but impossible to resolve.
My childhood was very good, I don't remember anything very bad happened to me or I don't remember any sexual abuse.
At 3nd-6nd grade I was very social, and the most popular in school, next year when I moved to middle school, I desired to make sexual activity with my male friends, and also girls but more desired to males friends, I asked my self if I'm gay or not, but I didn't know the answer because I only liked to have sex with my friends, and not with other handsomes guys. (never tried it).
I had unclear emotions which I started to isolate myself a bit by bit (but I still have same friends until today)
at that time (in middle school) I felt sexual desire to my male teachers, my friends, my dad, my brother too. (maybe freaky desire but I do not control it).
So then I felt big shame and became awkward in social.
I'm wrong (freaky sexual desires), awkward in social, so what did I have left? my look.
I wanted to get perfect look! I focused everything about my look, I knew that I was pretty but wasn't enough perfect for me.

When I finished school I became a bit more socially active, but I still had this feeling of "wrong" following me.
I still remember one day I swear to god that I will never smoke drugs in my life, but my cousins convinced me to try, and I continued smoking and did it with my friends for 1 year and stopped when my social anxiety was very high.
I stopped weed because I was really in mind conflict and had social anxiety, but it was increased when I stopped weed.
I thought that I had depersonalization, I wasn't comfortable talking to my close friends, but my brother was supporting me and convinced me to get over my fears and start working as a waiter, lol it was the hardest thing I ever imagine, but I actually did it, and worked for 1 month, and quit when I was really tired from my mental health.
I was improved in social life from the suffering but depression and anxiety didn't leave me.

I tried to visit psychologist few times, she helped me a bit and said that my mind conflicts might come from the sexual conflict, and I had no depersonalization.
I stopped visit her because it didn't feel good, I just hate these conversations

In past I didn't think about my sexual desire, but after I visited the psychologist I'm thinking a lot about it.

Now I'm worried if I was sexually abuse (if it was removed from memory). evidence for the abuse - is my sexual conflict, also I remember at childhood that I had small attention about sexual or abuse storys, and I liked foot.

I'm worried if I'm abused so I stay in conflicts all my entire life.


****, In past I didn't expect to have all of these problems, I was really happy, but I've carried big weight until now, I started studying in collage, which it require some social activity but I still social anxious, although I'm making some friends now...things a bit better.
My friends which I have since childhood aren't fine for me, I'll not feel comfortable telling them such as these things, my parents are paranoid and I don't want them to feel sorry for me because the shame will be bigger.
Sometimes I speak with my brother although he live in another country.

Please Help, I've carried a lot!

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you should try therapy again... after all, it HAS been helpful in some way to you, right?
I know it can feel uncomfortable sometimes.. but it's normal, you're getting through a lot of persona, deep stuff after all.
If you think it's the therapist's fault, maybe you can try another one?

Either way, welcome and good luck

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by dudetodude

Hey, I do not know how to start but I'll tell my story, please listen and tell me what to do.

I'm 21 years old guy from stressful anxious family, my mom come from house which her dad has abandoned them at age of 6.
When I was a baby, I was still suckling, so my ** grandma told my mom that I should stop that, and they leave me in my grandma's house for 3 days to stop stuckling, and it worked
My life seems like quiz to me but impossible to resolve.
My childhood was very good, I don't remember anything very bad happened to me or I don't remember any sexual abuse.
At 3nd-6nd grade I was very social, and the most popular in school, next year when I moved to middle school, I desired to make sexual activity with my male friends, and also girls but more desired to males friends, I asked my self if I'm gay or not, but I didn't know the answer because I only liked to have sex with my friends, and not with other handsomes guys. (never tried it).
I had unclear emotions which I started to isolate myself a bit by bit (but I still have same friends until today)
at that time (in middle school) I felt sexual desire to my male teachers, my friends, my dad, my brother too. (maybe freaky desire but I do not control it).
So then I felt big shame and became awkward in social.
I'm wrong (freaky sexual desires), awkward in social, so what did I have left? my look.
I wanted to get perfect look! I focused everything about my look, I knew that I was pretty but wasn't enough perfect for me.

When I finished school I became a bit more socially active, but I still had this feeling of "wrong" following me.
I still remember one day I swear to god that I will never smoke drugs in my life, but my cousins convinced me to try, and I continued smoking and did it with my friends for 1 year and stopped when my social anxiety was very high.
I stopped weed because I was really in mind conflict and had social anxiety, but it was increased when I stopped weed.
I thought that I had depersonalization, I wasn't comfortable talking to my close friends, but my brother was supporting me and convinced me to get over my fears and start working as a waiter, lol it was the hardest thing I ever imagine, but I actually did it, and worked for 1 month, and quit when I was really tired from my mental health.
I was improved in social life from the suffering but depression and anxiety didn't leave me.

I tried to visit psychologist few times, she helped me a bit and said that my mind conflicts might come from the sexual conflict, and I had no depersonalization.
I stopped visit her because it didn't feel good, I just hate these conversations

In past I didn't think about my sexual desire, but after I visited the psychologist I'm thinking a lot about it.

Now I'm worried if I was sexually abuse (if it was removed from memory). evidence for the abuse - is my sexual conflict, also I remember at childhood that I had small attention about sexual or abuse storys, and I liked foot.

I'm worried if I'm abused so I stay in conflicts all my entire life.


****, In past I didn't expect to have all of these problems, I was really happy, but I've carried big weight until now, I started studying in collage, which it require some social activity but I still social anxious, although I'm making some friends now...things a bit better.
My friends which I have since childhood aren't fine for me, I'll not feel comfortable telling them such as these things, my parents are paranoid and I don't want them to feel sorry for me because the shame will be bigger.
Sometimes I speak with my brother although he live in another country.

Please Help, I've carried a lot!

first things first... being conflicted sexually does not mean a person was sexually abused. though sexual abuse ....can.... cause some to be promiscuous (wanting and needing sex/ re enact the sexual abuse) most times those that have been abused develop a fear of sex, avoid sex and are not interested in sex due to when a person who has been sexually abused has sex they have PTSD symptoms (anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, and much more)

your post says you are 21, here in america it is completely normal for 21 year olds to question their sexuality, be conflicted over their sexuality, and only seek out sex with those that they know and not strangers. its also pretty normal for early teens and through out the teen age years to be fascinated by sex topics and toys. the human body starts going through changes as young as 8-10 years old, part of these changes is hormones which causes a childs body and mind to begin thinking of sex and being able to handle performing in sexual ways. here this stage of life is called pre puberty and puberty.

my point you may just be gonig through whats normal stages in your life. my suggestion is just continue following what treatment providers in your own location are telling you that what you have is not depersonalization or any other mental disorder, that you are just conflicted on your own sexuality. give it some time,

Im guessing as time goes by you will eventually discover what your sexual orientation is and will someday be comfortable with that. no matter what it is.

[dudetodude]

@amandalouise
****, you made me really comfortable with your speech!

I hope that I will realize everything is okay and enjoy life again, at the moment I tried everything a human can do for happiness and didn't get it yet, I'm in deep loop, very deep one!

I don't have advise other than to continue seeing some mental health professionals and working on the issues. (((Hugs)))

I'm sorry for all the weight you are carrying...it sounds like too much and you deserve some relief.

[Ember_42]

I wonder if you feel conflicted about your sexuality because of your feelings of shame for having sexual desires for men or what you consider freaky desires? It might be that you were raised with restrictive values towards what was accepted or what was considered wrong. It might be helpful to ask a therapist about that kind of thing.

My suggestion (other than giving therapy another try) would be to give yourself a little bit of a break. Try to worry less that you're 'wrong'. I think you'd surprised at the freaky things many, many people desire or at least think about. It's a normal thing, especially when you're young and still figuring out you're sexuality. It takes some of us a long time and it's an uncomfortable process but if you try not to judge yourself so much it will be easier. I know that's difficult because I spend way too much time judging myself for lots of things.

If you're feeling negative about yourself or ashamed then it might be contributing to, or even causing, some of your social anxiety. Also, if you're feeling shame about your feelings and desires and wanting to hide them from your friends, that could be making it harder to feel as close or comfortable with them as you'd like.

As long as it's consensual and not harming yourself or others, then your desires aren't 'wrong'. With time and experience (and maybe talking to a therapist) you'll probably be able to figure out which things are just fantasy and which things you might actually want to do. The solution then might be to find other freaky people that you can feel safe talking to (online and anonymous is a good way to start) and maybe sort out your feelings and help you feel better about yourself.

[sandworm]

Hello dudetodude,
i would care to disagree somewhat with mickycheeky.
just because therapy has been helpful, does not mean that it will be helpful again.
I think Therapy will help, but you really need to do journalling and sort out how much
or your social anxiety is enmeshed with your confusion about your sexual orientation.
who we are as sexual beings goes to the very core of our self-Identity and self-acceptance.
Learn to accept yourself in spite of societies mores. Get your
sexual urges under control by sorting out the chaos within. Don't muster them like a newly
graduated marine captain out of school, emotions to don't accept force.

Try learning more about emotions. the old Rabbis understood much.

Every time I ask you a question You Rabbis are always answering a question with a question.' , Rabbi Moshe replied ' So, how does that make you feel?'.


Learn to query your thoughts and feelings. What you do not understand, it that which controls you.
especially within.


if you are not right within, how can you win.


Sandworm.