[MtnTime2896]

Having multiple diagnoses, all of them combining into one big explosive train wreck, is something I live with. It's something many people on here seem to be living with. Thing is, I've been riding this "crazy train" for so long without realizing it that it's finally all coming to a head. Too late to put the brakes on and too early to not try and stop it. It's all confusing, it's all terrifying and it's all one disturbing nightmare with five layers. I never thought I'd let it get this bad.

"Too much is wrong with me, and you can’t do anything about that. You can’t change it. You can’t fix me because I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed, okay? I’m me." - Shameless.

[kecanoe]

You didn't "let it get this bad" I also have multiple diagnoses. Whatever yours are, they are not your fault.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Só leigheas: I think I may have some idea of what you're experiencing. Looking back, I can see where I've struggled with mental health issues my entire life... going back to before I even have reliable memories. But I grew up at a time, & in a place, where any hint of mental illness was something to be ashamed of & hidden at all costs. So that's what I learned to do. I became a master of denial. And I managed to keep the lid on, so to speak, for the first 5 decades until a not-too-serious bout with cancer caused me to begin to unravel. I've been coming apart ever since.

I've never actually been offered a diagnosis by any of the mental health professionals I've seen over the years. There must be something written down somewhere for insurance purposes I would suppose... probably depression... that's easy. There was a time when I thought it might still be possible to heal. Now I know it's just too late. It all just is what it is. I'll take it all to my funeral pyre. In the meantime, I strive to accept things as they have turned out... as they are... with compassion.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thing is, I've been riding this "crazy train" for so long without realizing it that it's finally all coming to a head. Too late to put the brakes on and too early to not try and stop it. It's all confusing, it's all terrifying and it's all one disturbing nightmare with five layers. I never thought I'd let it get this bad.

As Kecanoe said, it's not you fault and I know that you work constantly to try to heal yourself. You have been trying to get ahold of this thing ever since we met at PC (and probably before). What is likely confusing is trying to figure out what is caused by trauma verses genetics and so forth. They are all intertwined and Skeezyks is also right acceptance is good because it seems impossible to completely understand what is going on in our subconscious mind. There are some things that we will never completely understand (though I know you want to).

How are you today?
I know you're in some kind of limbo waiting for a particular date when help is available to you?

[avlady]

i also lived in denial for years. the thing that changed me a bit was when my therapist told me she wasn't the enemy and i could work with my illness with her.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's not your fault if you're feeling like this. In fact, you should be proud of yourself . you're still fightning! You'd probably feel worse if you didn't. I know it's hard, but please keep trying - I'm sure you'll feel better at some point. And we're here for you when you need it!

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

How are you today?
I know you're in some kind of limbo waiting for a particular date when help is available to you?

I'm pretty sure I'm coming back down from my hypomanic state. It never seems to last more than two weeks, I figured this was going to happen. Right now it's mixed and getting into depression, I think. It's like, I'm depressed but I'm also okay enough to not do anything. I'm just less optimistic.

I'm suppose to call the shrink today for a medication adjustment. The goal is to avoid the hospital, is what my therapist said. He wants to avoid that as much as possible unless I absolutely need it. Thing is, with these mixed states, I get really bad PTSD symptoms so it's kind of a nightmare. I got pretty triggered a few times and I think it knocked me down out of my "high" cycle. Kind of sucks but I should be starting the new meds at some point, maybe today.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I think I'm going to need them again for a while.

[MickeyCheeky]

Anytime you want!

[Fuzzybear]

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope the meds work out for you.

[MtnTime2896]

Maybe I should go to the hospital. My head's getting worse really fast. If it doesn't stop, I think I might see about going IP tomorrow until I can get this together. I don't remember it usually being this rapid (granted it always moves fast but rarely like this). I think all of those triggers the past three days have really impacted this swing.

From what my T and people I have seen at the bipolar forum say, taking antidepressants (they do help the depression though) make people with bipolar have moods that "cycle" more quickly. I'm sorry you are having trouble.

[shezbut]

Maybe you do need some additional help in getting through this struggle. In my personal experience with major depression (not BP though), I sometimes need more help than at other times. That's okay (in my book, anyway). It can be a very delicate balancing act of knowing what we can handle & yet still pushing ourselves to be strong in order to stay out of the hospital.

It's hard.