I am desperate-anxiety, OCD?

I am reaching out to you as a desperate man, in a need for diagnosis and advice. My health insurance is **** and I still live with my parents who don't really believe in mental illness and think that I simply have to focus on other things and that it will pass. I don't have time. I don't have the strength. I'm supposed to be graduating the next year. My family depends on me. This has to end. Please, help me. Help me now.

I am a Caucasian man, eighteen. Never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. However, I would scare quite easily as a kid. Once, I even developed a brief fever due to stress. I also developed symptoms that I would later recognize as OCD and scrupulosity at the age of nine. It calmed down in my teen years. I was also bullied for a few years, but after moving to High school and fitting in I let that go.

It all started out on November 14th this year. I swallowed a fishbone, and felt it stuck in my throat. I was really stressed out, I thought I was going to suffocate. I ate a lot of bread and drank a lot of water, but I never really felt it go down. *I calmed down by the evening, and I slept quite well.

The next morning, I watched a horror movie, then an episode of "Cold Case". It didn't really scare me or anything, but I felt... weird. Like I couldn't concentrate. And, sometimes, I would feel dizzy. Like I was going to faint. But it calmed down by the afternoon. I had a big dinner and drank a lot of water.

I woke up quite early the next morning, with a nausea. I could barely eat. I was on the verge of vomiting the whole time. I kept googling my symptoms, fearing that I have a stomach ulcer, or even an internal bleeding. I calmed down by the evening, but I woke up at around one am, feeling cold and legs trembling. I didn't go to school on Monday, figured it was some sort of viral infection. But that night, I couldn't sleep again. I did go to school, but at around three pm, I would feel like I was on the verge of fainting. Like a barely controlled panic attack. But then I would calm down. On Wednesday night, I fell asleep. But in the morning, nausea. I spent the whole day stressing over that.

Since the symptoms didn't pass, I got into my head, despite not being overly religious, that I must be demon posessed. That would really freak me out. I would calm down eventually, and realize how absurd those thoughts were, but when they would plague me, there was no room for reason. I barely had any apetite by that point. I gave my blood and urine up for testing. It all came back clean.

The next week, my apetite has returned. But, at night, I would have horrible, violent nightmares. I would actually feel physical pain, despite sustaining no actual injuries, and wake up at around one or two am. I researched about a movie called "Jacob's Ladder", that reminded me of my situation. I watched a few clips and read a plot synopsis. It only freaked me out more. For the next few days, everything would remind me of violence and horror images. Nightmares continued.

Then I came to think of one movie (not a horror movie) that freaked me out as a child, but I eventually got over it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I watched a few clips on YouTube and it freaked me out even more. Now every day I have that scene in my mind, feel like I was when I was a child, with that irrational gut feeling that I will see that being from the movie when I open the door, look into the mirror, etc. Even before that, I was afraid of reverting back to a child-like state, becoming a failure, etc.

Anyway, right now, it's like my body is wired. In the morning, I feel like ****, and only calm down by around five or six pm. I have that weird feeling, like I am a child again (back when everything was big and scary and I didn't really understand how the world works), constantly stressing over the things I know are not rational. I can't make positive associations anymore and I can barely study. Like my mind is, for no reason, afraid of those memories, so it keeps freezing up, and when it doesn't, those stupid thoughts keep interrupting me. It is like a combination of anxiety, OCD, and the world's creepiest deja vu. It's like my mind is constantly on alert, and worrying about intrusive thoughts. I actually have headaches because of stress.

I feel better when I dissect my fears and talk about them, and actually LABELING myself (anxiety, OCD), but soon after the thoughts return, and I feel like **** again. Then I think "what if there is no cure", "what if I stay this way forever", "why me", or "what if there is some truth to this, since you are so afraid", and I just hit rock bottom. To make matters worse, there's been lots of exams lately and my family is going through some tense times. I can't catch a break.

I have tried:

-meditating
-masturbating
-exercising
-focusing on other things
-eating candy
-rationalizing my fears
-drinking alcohol (not much)
-writing about my issues
-talking about my issues with my parents
-drinking chamomile tea

I don't drink alchohol (except those two times), don't smoke, don't do drugs. Never suffered a concussion or a head trauma in my life. I recently took an online IQ test (I know those aren't really reliable): it came back as between 105 and 120. I also only seem to have nightmares when I go to sleep late, but even when I don't my dreams aren't much better.

I know that this isn't a therapy session but I have told you everything I would have told you in person and my blood and urine results came back clean. Please, give me some advice. Any... "thinking techniques"? Possible medications? A combination of both? Do you think an MRI scan may be revealing?

See your family doctor. You don't needed your parents' permission. See a guidance counselor at school.

Sometimes I think humans overanalyze ourselves and can work ourselves into a panic... I know I have done this countless times before! It sounds like you are dealing with some hard stuff, but just breathe and try the best you can to realize everything will be OK. To me, you sound completely normal, smart, and capable. I know I overworry and obsess about things, but it often just makes it worse. Hang in there! You are fine and will be OK!!!!

Perhaps, if help is out of the question, you might consider means of taking things into your own hands.

I myself have found self-help literature to be helpful - particularly those of the CBT variety (which I of late seem to be flogging about here a great deal). Regardless of the style, I encourage you to choose those books that contain worksheets and lesson plans. As I said, Cognative Behavior Therapy is an example I found extremely helpful - especiaily for my Catastrophic thinking variety of Anxiety (and the OCD coping mechanisms that followed suit).

They key thing with such workbooks is that you HAVE to actually do the work - and don't get ahead of yourself. Ideally, you should give yourself 3 months to work through them (no joke).

I admit I did this alongside actual therapy.

A note about this is that doing the work should become a lifestyle - one doesn't just walk away from the tools once the program is complete. I still take out the worksheets on occasion when before I head into a situation I am uncomfortable with.

Let us know how things are going.

I woke up quite early the next morning, with a nausea. I could barely eat. I was on the verge of vomiting the whole time. I kept googling my symptoms, fearing that I have a stomach ulcer, or even an internal bleeding. I calmed down by the evening, but I woke up at around one am, feeling cold and legs trembling. I didn't go to school on Monday, figured it was some sort of viral infection. But that night, I couldn't sleep again. I did go to school, but at around three pm, I would feel like I was on the verge of fainting. Like a barely controlled panic attack. But then I would calm down. On Wednesday night, I fell asleep. But in the morning, nausea. I spent the whole day stressing over that.Hi,
Itwas the "big dinner" yhat caused your nightmares. It is likely that you have an allergy to some food stuff.
Regarding your thought process; there is a stream of thoughts going through the subconscious mind while we sleep. negative thoughts often intrude and the subconscious responds with a dream that either diverts the thoughts or wakes you up.
Your main problem at present is that you're over stressed. At your age it is quite normal to imagine non existent maladies and mishaps.
Another problem is that you're intelligent and your imagination is working overtime!
Try to discipline your thought process! When some negative thoughts intrude into your mind, try consciously to focus on one of your positive and pleasant past experiences.

I think you are being expected to do way to much at your age, like taking care of your parents maybe I didn't read that right but I don't understand why is this your responsibility?

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time, ScaredKid.

Nausea and vomiting can be due to anxiety. I was like that through junior high and high school (about ages 13 to 17). Nightmares are also a symptom of anxiety. It can make you feel physically horrible even though medical tests show nothing wrong. Be comforted by knowing that medically you are alright. Anxiety can seem to come out of nowhere and make you feel overwhelmed, but it can be dealt with.

It would be a very good idea to ask your doctor or school counselor to help you find a therapist or psychologist to talk to so that you can get some real help and relief.

Here's one thing to try when you start feeling anxious or even just nauseous; breathe in for a count of four, hold that breath for a count of four, then breathe out for a count of four. Do that four times. It makes you focus on something logical (counting and breathing) instead of the panicked feelings.

Another one is to just look around you and start naming the things you see. You don't need to say them out loud. A bed, a chair, a door, a table, a book, a desk, etc. Whatever you see, with no value judgments. Or maybe a red chair, a white door, a little book, etc. This also makes you focus on logical things and takes you out of the anxiety.

A friend of mine was told to put a rubber band around her wrist (loose enough that it doesn't bother your circulation) then when she felt panicked she could snap it against her skin. This helped her to focus on something besides her panic.

You know those wheels that are for hamsters to run in? They just keep spinning and no matter how fast the hamster runs it just makes the wheel spin faster and never actually gets anywhere. Anxiety is like that. It just keeps spinning around and around in your mind and the more you struggle against it, the faster it seems to go. You need something that helps you step off the wheel. It might not go away immediately but it's no longer controlling you, at least for a while.

Try to avoid the horror movies. I know they can get stuck in your head but they are only feeding the anxiety and making it worse. Watch something completely different than what you might normally watch, like maybe a silly cartoon that you liked when you were little.

Your body can't tell the difference between a panic attack and a real, physical threat. You get scared and your body makes a whole bunch of adrenaline to help you fight or run away faster. Even if it's only anxiety, you still have that adrenaline and that makes you feel wired and jittery. It helps to do something physical to burn some of that adrenaline away and that will make you feel calmer. Jogging, swimming, riding a bike, or things like that. If there is a sport you like to play that might help too, but for me doing something by myself was easier because I didn't have the added anxiety of trying to hide how I was feeling from others.

Finding someone to talk to, like a counselor or therapist, can be really very helpful though.