I don't appear unwell.

I feel you, I felt dismissed so many times in the past both by close people and professionals; it was frustrating/infuriating, it plunged me into a worse mental state over the years because my issues (thoughts/emotions) remained unattended and my confusion grew ("am I fine or not? what the Hell is happening?")...

One thing that Transpersonal Therapy, CBT and DBT seem to have in common (at least, to my knowledge) is Mindfulness. Have you tried any kind of mindful exercises?

Previously you mentioned that the main issue is that most of your emotions and thoughts remain on the negative side, correct? And that maybe the environment you're in is to blame but you can do little about changing your external situation presently.

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that the problem within may lie in the fact that you haven't paid enough attention to your emotions and thoughts to find out what triggers them, how long they last and why, etc. Since you seem to be logically-driven, perhaps you've been pushing these emotions/thoughts into your subconscious instead, and they're getting cramped. Mindfulness can help bring them back to the surface (consciousness) so you can "listen" to them, realize what needs aren't being met, what is hurting you, what is robbing you of your peace. Also, to analyze them, and (perhaps) eventually bring some healthy mental discipline to transform them by locating and addressing their root(s).

All of this is just a suggestion, in case you're interested in what has been helping me:

Since I have no money to seek for professional help (and I'm a bit discouraged by the bad experiences anyway), I'm keeping a private journal, paying particular attention to my emotions/thoughts during the day; I include my dreams as well, but that may be optional for others. I write twice a day, once right after I wake up and again before bed. I also meditate afterwards for a bit to empty my head and discipline/exercise my mind.

As you externalize your feelings/thoughts in this or any other way (perhaps posting here in the forum), keep in mind that you're looking for the root of your problem (this is your goal), not just to dwell in a loop on its symptoms. It may take time, but it's not lost time, it's time that you're using to nourish yourself. I remind myself that it's a need not a luxury, when I don't have time I make sure I do it for at least 10 -15 min. It will help you to vent meanwhile you're making sense, and keep a record of your daily evolution. Also, who knows, if you find a counsellor fit for you, the journal could also come in handy to share things you have recorded before. Etc.

Hope you find this useful, and hope you feel better soon...

Thanks. This was interesting and helpful. Really I feel in a crisis because of not having the financial resources I need to survive on my own. That's really about it. I have severe financial problems and have been socially isolated. I have noticed since I started work (about a month ago) my depression seems to have become more agitated. Maybe this isn't a bad thing.

I usually journal but I have been having a hard time journaling lately. There isn't much to write about. I have a job but I need a better job. I am waiting for my truck to be fixed so I can start looking for another job. I post here a lot. When I am feeling really anxious I call crisis hotlines.

I am also looking for mental health care but as the hours at my job have suddenly been cut in half I don't even know if it is feasible due to the cost.

I do mindfulness exercises. I work at a very fast paced job now that requires a lot of focus so I don't think I would be able to do it if I didn't have a certain degree of mindfulness.

I guess I could journal more but the truth is I am pretty depressed. I don't have much to journal about, really.

I usually find that when my depression (along with my anxiety) is getting 'worse' or more 'aggressive' (so to speak) is when writing helps me the most.

I don't call hotlines, phones make me much more anxious (especially if I have to talk/speak in other language than my mother-tongue)... but I'm glad hotlines and mindful exercises have helped you cope, it's good you've found solace through the worst moments.

Maybe journaling isn't for you at this point since you already write a lot and have a clear idea of what is making your situation difficult.

Money is such a big source of distress for many of us, I feel you on that area too (heck, same in the isolation part...), I'm sorry you're going through this bad time... good news is that this shall pass eventually; keep going your way, I really hope things get better soon.

Maybe what could help now is extending mindfulness to acceptance, as they do in the Buddhist practices. Do whatever is in your hands to make your situation better, and accept the things you can't change as they are. This is not giving up, it's realizing our truth and our limits, while at the same time recognizing our strengths (in other words, it's not about seeing the glass half-empty or half-full, it's about thanking for the water and drinking it when we are thirsty, intelligently enough to not gulp it all in one go if it's scarce, but to divide it and make it last).

It also seems to me that you're aching for connection, you've been isolated for too long or too harshly. One thing is to write on a screen, another is to talk face to face (can be very healing with the right people...). Do you have any friends you can (re)connect with? Maybe a room-mate or a family member? Perhaps an opportunity to meet new people somehow? Even if they don't get you or your mental illness, they may be able to connect with you in a different ambit, offer you some human-human time?

Once again thank you for you thoughtful comments. Because I slipped into a very bad depression I lost many contacts. Recently I contacted an old friend via email. I was hoping to arrange a face-to-face meeting but they didn't offer it. I wrote them another email and somehow that did the trick. So we are having lunch this coming Sunday, weather permitting as in no snowstorms, as the friend lives an hour from me. This is the first "social contact" I have initiated in 2 years, so I guess it is a big event. I chose someone who is very sensitive and gentle. They have known severe depression. It is only one event but I think a small step in the right direction.

I don't have family nearby so everything is about emails, facebooks, and texts. People don't even bother to use the phone anymore.

My new job is affording a lot of contact with other people, but my life outside of work is still pretty empty.

I am living that very example right now. I am living an incredible amount of anxiety. Yet I am all wound up possibly hypomanic. I've had a few people comment on how well I appear when I really am stretched out emotionally.

It can be hard to rebuild a social life in your situation - well done on reaching out to your friend, this was a good move in the right direction.

Honestly when I had my last depression I don't think I would have got through it as well without fantastic friends - social support is very important.

You are making so many positive steps with your job and rebuilding a social life - well done Dechan.

Oh and btw I always looked mostly okay when I was struggling too, except when I came home and hid away in my bed, but not many saw that side.

So there you have it. People don't look too close for fear of finding something they can't handle? Or that we might ask them for more than they can give?

What do you do to help yourself when you are anxious? If it is medications do you call someone about having them adjusted?

If I get to the point I can't manage anxiety and it escalates I call a crisis hotline. They help calm me down and suggest coping tools. I like the fact that they are there specifically to talk to and will listen reflectively.

Today, later, I am going to try to get to my local Recreation Center to swim. I really have to push hard to do these kinds of things.

You are doing better than when I first met u little improvements a hard to recognize I think you are very strong a achiever.

No one earns medals for pulling out of a bad depression and recreating a life. I am sure there are those on this site who have done it more than once in their lifetime. I know I have. Sometimes there are friends there to help, other times not. Usually finances are a problem, at least for me. I have come to believe that if one can get back to work it will be the backbone of healing. Thank you everyone for supporting me in getting back to work. When I deposited my paycheck tonight I felt a sense of progress being made. That I was actually activating and actualizing a new life.

I think the social aspect is hard for many of us. I am sorry to say I have not had fabulous friends for a long time. I do have one best friend from childhood. But, in general, I like people and feel a friendly positive regard for people. So being social can mean just connecting more with those in your daily life.

I am also grateful to "screen" friends on Psych Central. In truth, I do not regard you as any less than full-bodied, full-hearted, and fully dimensional human beings who know the struggles inherent in coming back to life after depression. Blessings - all.

Thank you very much.