I don't appear unwell.

I don't feel well at all. But everyone treats me like I am normal.

I tried to talk to friends and family over the holidays...to try and convey how unwell I feel. They pretty much ignored my intensity.

I get the feeling people don't want to "deal" with someone with mental problems, especially if the problems are overwhelming.

It made me angry. I felt completely unheard. I thought to myself, "No wonder people self-harm and do worse. It is terrible to feel unheard."

I also find the same happens with mental health care providers. Because I manage to appear "put together" they seem to ignore what I am saying. That I really, really, really need help.

It is truly a curse to have mental health issues.

There are people with mental health issues that are very high functioning and others who are low functioning but it doesn't mean it isn't real.

Family and friends are not always the best people to try and get help from. They may or may not understand and may not be able to help you on the level that you need.

Mental illness really does s u c k.

But why can't friends and family help??? Why can't they listen and just be responsive? I ended up calling a hotline on Christmas Day. The hotline person was really good...I mean really really good. But what exactly did she do? She listened...she reflected...and gave a few suggestions. Not exactly rocket science.

Thank you for your reply. You see, your comments made me feel better and it did not mean I agreed with everything. I just really appreciated that you took the time to listen and respond.

In general, I don't think people know how to respond to a person who needs help mentally. I think they ignore it because they don't want to say the wrong thing or want to take the time to fully understand what the person is saying. I've often been ignored when I try to convey my pain. Even friends like to ignore you when you are feeling your worst. We make people uncomfortable when we share our feelings. I wish they would try to understand.

I'm sorry you went unheard.

Yes, I agree with you, that people ignore you when you are feeling your worst. The better I feel the more patient I try to be with others. But there is also a bitterness because others kind of abandoned me when I felt like I was hanging over a cliff. Maybe there is also fear on the part of others. They feel they will "catch" the disease if they get too close.

I would not say I was high functioning at all but I might appear as if I am. I always feel extremely weak on the inside. I admire people who can be productive while having mental health issues. They must be the most courageous of people. I suppose someone like Abraham Lincoln comes to mind.

Hey

I'm sorry you're having a tough time & that those you're turning to are not hearing your request for help.

I also do not (as far as I am aware) appear unwell when a depressive episode strikes. I am still able to work. I still manage to feed & clothe & look after my children. But if someone could see inside my head the smiling, seemingly cheerful person on the outside has a battle raging on the inside where the hopelessness, despair, suicidal thoughts, desire to self harm & numbness to the world plays out.

I am thankful that I am currently feeling far more on an even keel. But I do know how it feels to be in the situation you describe & my heart goes out to you & all those who battle depression in all of it's forms. I pray you keep fighting it & keep seeking help. It can be managed. It can be overcome but not everyone is equipped to assist you & finding one or more people who can is important.

I have sought & found solace here on PC on many, many occasions.

I remain high functioning whether I'm in an upswing or a downswing. Although I'm less likely to do certain things when I'm depressed and more likely to do other things when I'm "up" unless a person knows me well, they likely won't recognize that something is wrong. And even the ones who are close to me often chalk it up to my oddities and write it off as some variation of "normal." A few days ago, I tried to talk to a family member about the stress that I was going through at work and how I felt that it might tip me over the edge if I'm not careful. They shrugged and waved it off as an overexaggeration. In the next breath, they encouraged me to accept even more responsibilities at work.

Family and friends aren't always the best people to go to when we're suffering. I'm sorry that you're experiencing that.

I wear that mask of everything being okay rather well. Going hypomanic tends to be even worse as the upswing of personality actually makes those around me think all is extremely well.

I once did a 'reverse intervention' of sorts. I used the opportunity of a family gathering to get honest about my health. These are the things to look for and often when I appear the most well I really don't have things together at all. I made a promise to be honest about my MI and asked them to occasionally do a check-in. I pointed out that it may be those times I most appear to have my life together that it is actually hanging by a thread.

Fake it 'till you make it. . There's a lot to be said for at least appearing just fine. I think it also helps when you feel like you can function to heal inside .

I am up and getting ready to go to work. The new job is fast-paced and can be grueling and I sometimes see a few other people starting to crack under the pressure. So it is kind of amusing that work is supposed to be good for healing as often the kind of jobs someone is forced to take when battling mental issues are the very jobs that would make normal people feel crazy and stressed to the max. I must be faking it pretty well as for the most part the job is going well and I have to interface with tons of people daily and it seems to be going okay -- but I really don't believe "fake it until you make it" is the best strategy as I am barely functioning and barely surviving and this isn't really living, it is just existing. It's not a happy life.

I can relate.. it sucks

I appear to be high-functioning, too. But the truth is, when I am severely depressed and anxious I am not functioning well inside my mind at all. I have often felt dismissed by medical professionals simply because I appear to them to be 'together', well-spoke, and so on. It can be very frustrating, and even dangerous, for those who are suicidal. You would think the mental health community would be more sensitive to the situation.

I was a high functioning computer engineer with absolutely NO MI issues at all. Job situation changed though I had changed companies many times before. I had a total break down & could only sit in my office & cry. Hated & felt trapped where I ended up but at the same time put together a proposal to be presented at the national convention of policies & procedures that was accepted. Needless to say I was on medical leave of absence at that time. I knew I didn't know what I was talking about. Right after I was initially out of work we had an earthquake in Northridge that collapsed the freeway I used to go to work. I tried one day bit it took 6 hours to get to work &!6 hours to get home. 9 hours at work just pushed me farther over the edge.

I talked like an intelligent person to my pdoc & T but I knew nothing about what I was REALLY feeling or how to express what was really going on. I looked to them like a person who was just overreacting to the loss of my career. I looked perfectly well to everyone yet I was in & out of the psych hospitals with suicide attempts.

The problem wasn't that they didn't hear me the problem was that I didn't understand what was really going on. That went on for 13 years until I finally left my marriage & was able to start putting the pieces together. 9 years after leaving & I have been able to connect the dots & I have learned how to express my thoughts & feelings. I can't blame them for not helping me. I always looked like the professional I was....looked well except when anorexia hit & suicide attempts landed me in ICU....inbetween hospital stays I was showing my horse in dressage shows, training & showing my eskie dogs & performing with my flute in chamber groups. It's no wonder they couldn't figure out what my problem was even though inqualifiednfor disability without even a question....I couldn't express what was really bothering me because even I didn't know at that time.

Your post is helpful, Eskielover. I used to have a therapist, he called what you've described being 'congruent with your emotions.' For me, I think I still put on a game face, even when my world is falling apart.

I'm happy for you, that you learned to express yourself in a truer way.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. Fortunately for me, at least at this point, I am pretty high functioning and have a fairly good support system even though most of them live far away from me (family). My pdoc and t are always just a phone call away and I have a few close friends I know I can depend on if/when needed. People at work have been commenting at how well I must be feeling because of all the hours I put in every week. Part of it for me is just a way for me to escape my 'problems' and not have to deal with the reality of my MI issues.

In my case I finally realized that my career was not just MY career, it was my escape from my bad marriage & when I no longer had my career, I was trapped financially in my bad marriage. That was why my depression got worse & not better but because I had been functional all my life, that was the behavior that was dominant .

My best help after finally leaving my marriage was my DBT therapy. It taught me to put words to my feelings. I remember one day just going in to see my private T & she asked me how I was feeling. All I could way was "UGH....JUST UGH". she brought out a 10 page list of emotion/feeling words. I took the list & made a 2 page list of my own with all the words that fit how I was feeling. Then I went back & elaborated with the reason why I was feeling the word. It was the exercise that opened up my mind & connected my words & feelings. Amazing experience that I continued to grow from.

I think I know how I am feeling. I don't feel confused. But most all my emotions are negative.

My problem wasn't being confused it was that I just didnt KNOW the words to express how I was feeling. They were trapped inside with no way to express them except for anger....that I had years of practice expressing. Once I was able to find words to express my other emotions & feelings, that was when I was able to start healing.

Maybe I am confused and don't know it. Frankly, I don't place too much stock in emotions. I have always been a goal oriented person, and I think my present unhappiness stems from being thwarted in my career, how and where I am living etc. But I could be wrong. That's why I am trying to find a therapist or counselor. I don't know why but not one therapist in my area offers DBT. I would like DBT or CBT. Most therapists in my area do transpersonal therapy.

I'm like you...I was ALWAYS goal oriented & put no value in emotions. Goals were degree, & career, nothing else mattered to me & marriage was just supposed to be a compliment to my goals, not a goal.

I actually thought that people were either logical or emotional. My mom was emotional & I was logical. Then with my DBT group leader I learned that our mind has both parts & that being mindful of the big picture & pulling logical & emotional thinking together is how we come up with the best WISE MIND decisions for our lives.

I learned that emotions & feelings need to be RECOGNIZED but not in control. I didn't recognize mine or acknowledge they even existed so in reality I didn't really know how I felt except ANGRY at the world around me & definitely at my H for being the irresponsible way he was when I needed a responsible person to take care of things when loosing my career created a breakdown. That whole time of being in just talk therapy was totally wasted time. Until I started to learn about how the brain works & started to put the pieces together & understand ME & my thoughts it was impossible to understand my reaction to what was REALLY going on in my life.

I truly hope that you can find good therapy (either DBT or CBT) that is presented in an educational way to learn from so you can actually integrate it into your life. It's interesting that living in Los Angeles I never found a good therapist until I moved to a small town 2100 miles away.

There have been some other major changes that have helped me make a difference but for me, DBT provided the knowledge, understanding & words that finally helped me to be able to express myself. Geyying out of the bad living situation I was in was my first step though. Was glad I didn't have a career tying me down.

Thanks. (Please note that at the end of this reply I ask for your help. Sorry to make you wade through so many words to get there!)

It's interesting that you couldn't find a good therapist in all of Los Angeles but I can relate. The area I live in is packed with therapists but I have yet to run across one for hire who does CBT or DBT. There is a therapist from my health care provider who has been phoning me and supporting me in finding counseling in the community. She does some very good CBT over the phone. But my health plan has too high a deductible to see her in person. To have an in-person session with her I would have to pay my health care provider $250 per session! Ironically, the phone support is free. It's like getting a little taste of a good thing. And it is only temporary and minimal support.

I think your situation also changed when you inherited some money which allowed you to move away from your marriage and start a new life, right? If that happened to me I think I would be okay. My divorce (not my choice) left me financially strapped and I have been struggling financially for years. Now I am in a financial crisis. It is the stress of that which is throwing me over the edge of sanity into suicidal ideation. I am afraid I am going to end up homeless. I know that sounds dramatic but for me the fear is real.

However, recently I have decided to not just give up. Even though my future is uncertain I am trying my best to get out of the mind state I am in. I think until I find a therapist I will pull out my big DBT workbook and do it on my own. Do you have any suggestions as to what section I might focus on at this time given my state? The workbook I have is essentially worksheets. Thanks to the Internet I can also go online and find written stuff and excerpts (even from Linehan) that pertain to a certain section. It isn't the most optimal situation but it is the best I can do for now. Your suggestions would be most appreciated as I know you have done extensive DBT work. Thanks.

The section on MINDFULNESS was the one they put inbetween every section. It is definitely the important place to start. Since you are in a distressing situation, DISTRESS TOLERANCE would probably be the next important section.

EMOTIONAL REGULATION is important to help get in touch with those emotions we really didn't think we had but really do INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS is about communicating our needs & setting boundaries. These sections are good to know & have been very useful. Think Interpersonal effectiveness helped me with communicating because I grew up in a very dysfunctional family & communicating was a serious part of their dysfunction & ended up in a marriage that was the same. Lol....I had a lot to learn.

Those first 2 sections really helped though for me breathing techniques didn't help but HOT showers worked much better to help me relax. Did my best thinking in the shower & envisioned the water washing away my stress.

Will be glad to break out my DBT notes to help you understand what they are saying. Our leader elaborated way beyond what any of the books seemed to offer. I was very faithful in doing the diary cards but sometimes went back in my calendar notes the day before group to recreate my thoughts about things that happened, but it really helped.

Lol most of us starting DBT were in a fog at first. We would express things & out leader would help us put it into DBT terms until we finally GOT IT like a lightbulb turning on. Think that's why it can be frustrating doing it alone. Feel free to PM me any time for support.

Thanks. This was really helpful. You are absolutely right that Distress Tolerance is a place I can emphasize for now. Emotional Regulation is another one. What bothers me about myself is that I am very dramatic about the things that happen to me. I act like they never happen to others and that I am some kind of special snowflake. I don't know if it is just a bad habit or self-absorption but I think doing Emotional Regulation could help me also with Interpersonal Communication. As soon as I get to know someone I start using them as an informal therapist and this really hinders me so I had better stop. The mindfulness stuff I am fairly familiar with. I use hot baths, breathing, meditation, prayer, journaling, and physical repetitive movement i.e. walking, jogging, cleaning. Because I live alone if I find I am spiraling into a state of anxiety and cannot reduce it on own I will call or text a crisis hotline. They can really be helpful with getting me grounded again. Thank you for your help. It was invaluable.

HI not having family support is the worst feeling and never talk to a co- worker about it. Do you like dogs they are great therepy for you. Plus you have a sense of being needed and training ,playing it's all a good distraction and they will put you on a routine. You have support here as well.

No, I don't talk to co-workers about anything personal but I have been talking about the work environment, but I am going to stop that. I have been using one co-worker in a different department as a kind of "therapist" to talk about my department but I am definitely going to stop that.

Of course I love dogs, who doesn't?, but not all of us can afford dogs. As well, I live alone and I am not keen on leaving a dog alone all day while I am working. In the future if my situation improves maybe I will get a pet. Pets are a luxury not all of us can afford. (I have had cats in the past but have become allergic to them and don't much like their personalities so I guess I have become a dog person.)

My living situation isn't good right now. I live in a cramped studio apartment but the rent is high so I am trying to save money to move but at the same time I am having a new engine put into my truck and it is costing hundreds of dollars.

I am in crisis. Why else would I be posting so much?