A brutal week

My first week at a new job. I didn't want the job but had to take it. My ear has been giving me problems...all stuffed up. I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning.

Today when I was getting ready for work (afternoon and evening hours) my ear totally closed up and I couldn't hear anything. For my job I have to talk with people and navigate a potentially dangerous environment. I need to be able to hear. I became severely, severely, insanely depressed.

When I got to the work place I immediately ran into my temporary supervisor and explained my problem. She said to take off today and bring in a note from my doctor.

I thought this was nice. She could have had me stay and do other work.

As I have stated in many threads...I started a new job and am trying to do it even when coming off an 18 month severe depression.

Part of me is upset about having to miss work in the first week. However, I had let my supervisor know earlier in the week that I needed to go to a doctor for my ear.

As I write this I am in bed and warm, and my ear is clear! But in the cold it clogs up.

I know that I am still very unstable because a part of me is very apathetic about my whole situation. I feel like I am trying my best but I am not coping very well.

Since I am home tonight I am going to go to sleep early and get some extra sleep. At this point I don't actually know if I am going to be able to keep this job.

The worst part of mental health issues is the stigma attached. If I had a physical problem maybe it would be easier? I feel like I am falling through the cracks.

The only thing I did right today was show up for work as if I was going to work. I didn't just stay at home and call in. Maybe that counts for something. I intended to work but my hearing went out.

Hugs. It sounds like you are beating yourself up over all this. Try to go easy on yourself. Yes, you did the right thing going in to work to tell your boss. I see you trying hard. Yes stigma sucks. I read in another one of your threads that you are thinking about finding a counselor. I think this is a good idea. I'm a big supporter of therapy.

Thank you. I am trying to "act" normal but I don't feel normal.

Yes, I definitely need to get a counselor because I am feeling I can't do this alone.

I am overwhelmed. I have too many problems. I have tried for a long time to get help from friends and family. Now I am doing what they advised...to get back to work.

But today I felt severely, severely depressed. OMG, this is so hard I can't believe it.

In my opinion, for people w depression, and mental health issues, there's a balance between staying busy, having a job, and taking care of yourself. And it's not always possible to work because it's a lot of commitment and responsibility. I feel like I understand what you are going through because of the way my own depression symptoms manifest. In my own life, family and friends try to help. Though sometimes it can be misguided. I think it has been an interesting balance in my own life, listening to others advice, wanting to please those people, and also listening to myself, which is the most important. Really, just take it a day at a time. Think of one thing you are grateful for and do something you enjoy tonight. I hope you get solace from posting here. I have called a helpline before when I needed to. It's a good way to be heard and problem solve, in my opinion. Have a good night.

Oops ok I just read your response in "trying to fail.". And you answered some things I wondered about. Yes, if you have to work, then do so. You are not a failure.

Thank you. I don't actually feel 100% able to work but I have to work. My life has major imbalances. For now I think I need extra sleep or something. If I manage to keep this job it will be a miracle. This happened to me once before in my life. I was married and had a kind of meltdown and my then partner told me it was okay to quit my job which I did, then I became a stay-at-home Mom. Now I need to work so it is a matter of finding out how to do this. I notice you have commented on a lot of my threads and I want to tell you that I appreciate all your kind and wise words, which have been a great comfort to me. We need more people like you in this world.