[Rayne Selene]

Is that what they call it? I'm a psychology major, and I can't remember what they call it. When you completely lose it and just check out. When you're just done. I can seriously feel it building inside of me. I can't remember the last time that I've felt like this. I'm Bipolar, and I have anxiety issues, and usually it's one at a time, but right now it's like I'm manic and anxious and depressed and angry and frustrated and exhausted and panicking and everything ALL at the same time. Last week, I ended up in the ER after the most severe panic attack I have ever had. I went almost completely catatonic, and apparently my eyes rolled up in my head. I remember nothing, except right before. It was like I could feel it all about to snap, and I decided to let it. Now I don't trust myself. I've always had a handle on everything but now it's like the floodgates have been opened. There's been so much, TOO MUCH, and I can't keep dealing with it. I really can't. And I can't take a break because everything costs money and I don't have money. I really feel like a volcano that's about to just go all Mt. St. Helens everywhere. It hurts and it's scary and I haven't got a single friend where I live so here I am, online when I'm supposed to be working, pathetically hanging on to the scrap of attention I get from anonymous strangers who might read my post. I've always scoffed at the notion that what you do online can save somebody, but maybe it's true, because right now these forums are my lifeline. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to slog through these feelings to somehow make everything work and go back to the daily stress.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Is that what they call it? I'm a psychology major, and I can't remember what they call it. When you completely lose it and just check out. When you're just done. I can seriously feel it building inside of me. I can't remember the last time that I've felt like this. I'm Bipolar, and I have anxiety issues, and usually it's one at a time, but right now it's like I'm manic and anxious and depressed and angry and frustrated and exhausted and panicking and everything ALL at the same time. Last week, I ended up in the ER after the most severe panic attack I have ever had. I went almost completely catatonic, and apparently my eyes rolled up in my head. I remember nothing, except right before. It was like I could feel it all about to snap, and I decided to let it. Now I don't trust myself. I've always had a handle on everything but now it's like the floodgates have been opened. There's been so much, TOO MUCH, and I can't keep dealing with it. I really can't. And I can't take a break because everything costs money and I don't have money. I really feel like a volcano that's about to just go all Mt. St. Helens everywhere. It hurts and it's scary and I haven't got a single friend where I live so here I am, online when I'm supposed to be working, pathetically hanging on to the scrap of attention I get from anonymous strangers who might read my post. I've always scoffed at the notion that what you do online can save somebody, but maybe it's true, because right now these forums are my lifeline. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to slog through these feelings to somehow make everything work and go back to the daily stress.

um my suggestion is talk with your treatment providers that said if you are looking for a ....guess... to me this sounds like theres more going on then just short term depression ( which is what a breakdown is in psychological terms)

Well I suppose this could be considered a breakdown. Do they still even call it by such a term?

I agree with the above that you need to immediately inform your mental healthcare team.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry..

[LeeeLeee]

Hey,
Finding support from online resources is not pathetic, but one of the BEST things about the internet PERIOD. Also, I believe Psych Central is one of the resources that saved me from my "breakdown" for lack of a better term. What else are we going to call it while we rebuild ourselves and heal ourselves? Although you may not see our faces or know our real names, there are many caring people who are here to support you and be here for you. Keep connected here.

You say you can't take breaks but maybe throughout each day you can incorporate some small sensory breaks into your daily routine where you move away from all of your devices and responsibilities for at least 15-30 minutes. Go to a safe place and just "be" for awhile.

Other places you can look for help might be right where you work every day. Are there any services offered by your school? Are there any public services? In the US we have so many groups, meet up groups, social service based groups like nami.org

You sound like a strong person who is accustomed to taking care of everything on your own so much that asking for help might feel "wrong" or "uncomfortable." Keep in mind, reaching out for help is also a strength!

BIG GIANT HUGS. KEEP COMING TO THE FORUMS.

Sincerely,
Lele

[Shazerac]

Is that what they call it? I'm a psychology major, and I can't remember what they call it. When you completely lose it and just check out. When you're just done. I can seriously feel it building inside of me. I can't remember the last time that I've felt like this. I'm Bipolar, and I have anxiety issues, and usually it's one at a time, but right now it's like I'm manic and anxious and depressed and angry and frustrated and exhausted and panicking and everything ALL at the same time. Last week, I ended up in the ER after the most severe panic attack I have ever had. I went almost completely catatonic, and apparently my eyes rolled up in my head. I remember nothing, except right before. It was like I could feel it all about to snap, and I decided to let it. Now I don't trust myself.

I'm no expert but it sounds like you are having a mixed episode. Depression and mania at the same time. It might be a good idea to see therapist or go to the ER.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I'm no expert but it sounds like you are having a mixed episode. Depression and mania at the same time. It might be a good idea to see therapist or go to the ER.

I didn't even think of that. I knew mixed episodes exist but I've never had one. I moved states recently and haven't been able to find a new therapist that I can afford. I've tried a few places, but I live in Alabama now and after two therapists asked me whether or not I've prayed about my issues I got frustrated. I've never been medicated for my bipolar disorder but maybe it's time. Thank you everyone for your posts, especially this one^ I have an extremely logical thought process and when I'm spiraling out it helps me SO MUCH to know what it is that's happening.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I hope things get better for you, although I'm sure they will. I'm sorry that I can't say anything truly helpful. Best of luck to you.