Why should I even bother changing? An analysis of my options.

Alex Lickerman writes a compelling article about resilience and the value of fighting the fight no matter the odds of overcoming the vicissitudes which befall all of us to some degree during our lives.

What did make you change your way of thinking? and did it happen suddenly and voluntarily, or happened gradually and fueled by some external conditions and circumstances?

I guess realising that we all have a limited time to live our lives...which prompted me to take stock of my available options. 10 years of psychotherapy helped a lot. My Psychiatrist took me apart, then spent several years putting me back together...he built a new me. But yes...this change was voluntary. It was a natural progression after my Therapist helped me build a set of strategies and coping skills.

We need to appreciate that there are a million choices we can make, but choosing wisely is the key. Simply taking a moment to weigh our options usually sets us on the more viable path.

I don't think I have the fortitude to spend 10 years attending therapy week after week. If it really takes that long to notice a significant improvement, then I would rather just put all that energy into doing something that actually matters to other people like starting a successful business and focusing solely on my passions. Yes, I will continue to have trouble with my relationships and I will probably be lonely but so what? Besides, all most people respect anyways is money and power; if I had both then I could easily compensate for how damaged I am.

Even if I wanted therapy right now, the simple fact of the matter is that I cannot afford it. I literally make $320 a month off donating plasma which I rely on to buy food and pay my phone and internet bills and sometimes my power bill and until I get a stable income, there isn't a lot I can do.

I'm just going to sign up for summer classes at my local Community College and get a student loan to cover for everything and I'm also going to see if they will pay for a cheap trailer home for me because when this housing grant of mine expires I don't see myself being able to pay rent every month because even if I do find a stable job, I question my ability to hold one down for extended periods of time.

Dependant on the state we are in, and ability to function in any productive way should dictate what outside help is necessary. I was unable to function at all in the world at that time, so there was little alternative than seeking affordable therapy, and using chemicals to get through my days.

My response was in no way a suggestion on what you should do, but a response to your original question 'Why should I even bother changing?' Therapy indeed isn't for everyone, but we must do what we can to build a cohesive network to strengthen our resolve, and catch us if we fall.

Neither Money nor Power guarantee a healthy mind or outlook...and at that stage in my life I had neither.....all I had was my willingness and hope to make positive changes.

Be kind to yourself DarknessIsMyFriend.....I hope that you find the road that will take you onward to where you want to go.

Thanks. I'm just going to focus on my education right now while continuing to volunteer to build references and raise my confidence. I'm also going to try to get over the overwhelming fear that I have of driver's ed. I feel more comfortable around my case manager so I will ask him to help me talk to the driver's ed place and I will likely simply explain my age difference by stating that I had an illness that made it to where I was unable to learn how to drive at the normal age but I'm over it now and set some money aside so I can get started sometime within the month.

I'm actually rather motivated now because I was looking at tiny homes today and I saw a really nice one for under $7000 and the more I think about it, the more I'm strongly considering using leftover FAFSA funds on having a tiny home built and buying a cheap piece of land to have it placed so I can support myself without having to feel overwhelmed with paying rent along with utilities and everything once my housing grant expires. Not to mention these tiny houses look so freaking cool |

I will be planning a tour at my local community college's web development class within the next 2 weeks and filling out a FAFSA. Once I get enrolled, I will see if they have a student therapist and see them if so, otherwise I will continue to hold off until it is more financially fesable for me to do so.