I have known this all the way long, but recently the criticism of my father has made it crystal clear that people don't judge me just to be polite. I take one of two states socially: either silent awkwardly and anxiously, or saying stupid things with low self-esteem and no confidence. In either case, I am cursed. The third option is to be alone completely, in which case no one would care or ask about me, because they would think I am not reaching out. I also cannot avoid all social situations, like when someone visits me. I don't know how to go about this or to continue like this!!!!! Everything is so painful and depressing.

[avlady]

its a shame when it comes down to this. keep up with the good work of not saying anything as i see and have been in that situation and it's true as it goes: keep smiling and say nothing because it keeps people wondering what you're thinking of.

[Open Eyes]

((Mr. Stranger)),

It's good that you are seeing things that challenge you and how your father's behaviors have contributed to these challenges.

When your father did not allow you to play and socialize when you were younger and instead insisted on you studying or probably doing chores for him. He actually deprived you of a childhood where you would slowly learn how to socialize even if you made silly mistakes or did not do it perfectly.

. I take one of two states socially: either silent awkwardly and anxiously, or saying stupid things with low self-esteem and no confidence.

This is something that happens in early childhood. Yet, we also get a chance to see how others make mistakes too, how others can be awkward and anxious. Yet, when we have a parent that raises us with constant criticism, that too can lead to how a child can develop feeling awkward and anxious. A parent can "unknowingly" encourage a child to develop low self esteem. (have you checked out the new forum Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

When someone is raised in a situation where the parents are not nurturing, but instead controlling and critical and saying things like "your success is important to how good I feel as a parent", it sets that person up to struggle with low self esteem and also to expect others to criticize or find fault and not want to be a friend or have you around.

Your father was actually right when he said that you would do better socially if he is not around. Well, while I do understand you struggle either way, it's a lot worse when he is present. This is evident in everything you have shared since you have been back home.

You know the best thing you have done so far is join this site? That is because you are interacting in a social network where you can actually read a lot of the thoughts and challenges that people have that you don't see in real life. There are a lot of people that interact on this site that are married, have families and jobs that can "appear" to have all the things you say you don't have which adds to your challenge of struggling with low self esteem. YET, a lot of these people are struggling and have a lot of challenges and are very unhappy.

One of the ways to make gains is becoming a part of a community like this one, but also looking into finding live "support" groups too. I don't know if that is something that is available where your parents live. But it's worth looking into once you find your way to get away from your parents.

You have not been a member for very long at this site, but look at how much you are learning and how others have been reaching out to you to support and help you. I am here, we are interacting and you are doing fine and even gaining in articulating the things that are challenging you. If you give yourself a chance the more you share, the more you try to engage, the better you will get at doing just that. You can also really learn a lot because you now have access to a lot of information. You can also begin to realize how you are not as alone as you think you are too. You actually "can" practice and even though this is not with people who are physically in front of you, they "are" real people with real challenges that can be lonely just like you and "now" they have a way to vent, share, and interact verses being alone.

[VernonJenkins]

Mr. Stranger, you described my life.

While abroad, every time I wanted to socialize I remembered how my father criticized me over my personality and social skills. So, I would lose my confidence in myself, and usually withdraw. I also switch to autopilot mode around people where I get afraid and anxious. It is irrational, I know, but it is there and it is powerful. Now, it is worse, but without him it is not much better. I literally run away from people everywhere I go.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((Mr. Stranger)),

It's good that you are seeing things that challenge you and how your father's behaviors have contributed to these challenges.

When your father did not allow you to play and socialize when you were younger and instead insisted on you studying or probably doing chores for him. He actually deprived you of a childhood where you would slowly learn how to socialize even if you made silly mistakes or did not do it perfectly.


This is something that happens in early childhood. Yet, we also get a chance to see how others make mistakes too, how others can be awkward and anxious. Yet, when we have a parent that raises us with constant criticism, that too can lead to how a child can develop feeling awkward and anxious. A parent can "unknowingly" encourage a child to develop low self esteem. (have you checked out the new forum Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

When someone is raised in a situation where the parents are not nurturing, but instead controlling and critical and saying things like "your success is important to how good I feel as a parent", it sets that person up to struggle with low self esteem and also to expect others to criticize or find fault and not want to be a friend or have you around.

Your father was actually right when he said that you would do better socially if he is not around. Well, while I do understand you struggle either way, it's a lot worse when he is present. This is evident in everything you have shared since you have been back home.

You know the best thing you have done so far is join this site? That is because you are interacting in a social network where you can actually read a lot of the thoughts and challenges that people have that you don't see in real life. There are a lot of people that interact on this site that are married, have families and jobs that can "appear" to have all the things you say you don't have which adds to your challenge of struggling with low self esteem. YET, a lot of these people are struggling and have a lot of challenges and are very unhappy.

One of the ways to make gains is becoming a part of a community like this one, but also looking into finding live "support" groups too. I don't know if that is something that is available where your parents live. But it's worth looking into once you find your way to get away from your parents.

You have not been a member for very long at this site, but look at how much you are learning and how others have been reaching out to you to support and help you. I am here, we are interacting and you are doing fine and even gaining in articulating the things that are challenging you. If you give yourself a chance the more you share, the more you try to engage, the better you will get at doing just that. You can also really learn a lot because you now have access to a lot of information. You can also begin to realize how you are not as alone as you think you are too. You actually "can" practice and even though this is not with people who are physically in front of you, they "are" real people with real challenges that can be lonely just like you and "now" they have a way to vent, share, and interact verses being alone.

[Open Eyes]

You are afraid of being hurt or failing, that's very understandable (((Mr. Stranger)))

How do you feel coming here? Has it been helping and bringing you some comfort?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You are afraid of being hurt or failing, that's very understandable (((Mr. Stranger)))

How do you feel coming here? Has it been helping and bringing you some comfort?

This website provides me with an outlet to say what I cannot say in real life to anyone. I feel a little better to see people understanding me, but at the end of the day, I will be the same person, who no one wants to be around or accepts as he is. To be honest, I am writing out of frustration and desperation because I don't know what else to do.

[Open Eyes]

To be honest, I am writing out of frustration and desperation because I don't know what else to do.

Yes, I understand because I have done that myself "A LOT". I have most definitely vented here out of complete frustration because I was challenged so much IRL that I honestly did not know what else to do.

Here are my feelings about what I hear in you thus far. I think you are really genuinely struggling with Social Phobia/ Social Anxiety and you are struggling with that because of not only how you were raised but because you did not have a chance to learn about socializing. And, you have been "hurt" to the point where it traumatized you. That is not all that far from my challenge with PTSD in that I was "hurt"/traumatized so badly that I began to withdraw and struggle and self blame and I would get so confused and frustrated.

Unfortunately, very similar to you, I had too many people around me that were angry with me for struggling and kept saying all the wrong things to me. At one point it was so bad I seriously considered just getting on a bus to a city and becoming a homeless person without any identity. When it did not get any better I had really bad thoughts/impulses and wanted to give up completely.

I can't say enough how hard it can be when you are really suffering and people around you are so ignorant that they are flat out "mean". I am so sorry that happens, and sadly it happens way too much too.

I hear you and I can understand how difficult this is and how what you are feeling is very real and difficult. I am glad you can come her and vent and have others than can listen and understand and offer support.

Even though you are so very challenged, it's important that you work on coming up with a plan to get away from your parents and that toxic environment. Even if you can't do that right this minute, keep coming here for support and also read and learn too. That will help you manage how you struggle with how your parents can behave in toxic ways.
While your parents are not going to change, you can "slowly" learn how to see these toxic behaviors are "their faults" and slowly work on not absorbing them to where you allow these behaviors to upset you emotionally, and I know that is a challenge because I have been working on that myself, and I am not always successful and I can struggle emotionally myself. I have some very toxic things taking place in my life, and often I am at such a loss and I can sink and self blame, feel it's my fault because I can't seem to "just" not feel affected when I get anywhere near a toxic family member.

It's important that you find a "safe" place you can go too. It could be a nearby park, a church, a quiet market, a movie theater, even a library where you can go and find a quiet corner and read. This is to find ways to distance "away" from your toxic father and even your mother. You can always come here and vent too and just pretend you are job hunting or doing research and not to bother you.

It's good that you are using this site because you are actually "learning" while you vent and share with others who understand and can be supportive so you don't feel so alone.