How do you stop placing blame on yourself...?

I have four adult kids. They are all wonderful in their own ways. Three of them are MUCH better people than I am.

My oldest son suffers from depression that I don't want to use as an excuse, also...I know I am not to blame for this because I also have depression and it's a blameless illness. But it most certainly is relevant to this post. He is not "successful" nor is he motivated. He is a kind, compassionate, talented human being.

It is pointless to ask how to motivate someone else....and we have tried it all...

My problem is how do I stop blaming myself for what I see as a failure on our parts? I don't even know HOW we failed him as they were all raised the same and the other three are doing very well....

I don't think it's right to want to put my finger on the why's and how's....nor do I think it right to be punishing myself as I have for years. I DON'T KNOW how to NOT do these things....

I cry endless tears over what I see as a failing in myself...Trust me, I have given myself that talk that I am a human being and, as such, am imperfect. But this is someone else's life that I have somehow impacted negatively. That's not something to EVER forgive myself for.

I don't have an answer to your question, I'm afraid. I hope you at least know it's not your fault, though. Depression just happens, it doesn't always need a motivation. I bet you're a great mother and that you're doing the best you can.

Raising children the same won't give the same results, as children are different genetically. But why do you think it is a failure on your part, if I may ask?

By having compassion for yourself and your son.

My daughter has depression and anxiety from abuse. I could spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for the past, but it's not going to help either her or myself *now*. My focus is staying in the present as much as possible. I can't change the past but I can help in the present.

Thank you for the question Mr. Stranger. It is true that we are all different, and you learn early on when you have more than one child that there isn't a cookie-cutter approach. That doesn't make raising one child any more difficult than raising another. It just means that parenting is tailor made to each one. ALL of mine were raised with equal opportunities geared toward their own individual strengths. And copious amounts of love.

I'm not sure I can give you a full understanding of it, as parenthood isn't something easily conveyed...Simply put, and at it's most basic, it is my responsibility to see my children turn into happy and healthy adults. When something goes awry or your kids are unwell...it's only natural as a parent to want to fix it. I'm not sure I can fix this. I'm not sure what the cause of it is. But I can't help but feel responsible for it....it's like...when you get lost and you say to yourself, "maybe if I would have made a left instead of a right, I wouldn't be lost"...

Even right now, I share many of the same feelings concerning my role in my children's success. I have talked about a few of the negatives about it in some of my posts but we also tried very hard to do what was right. I sometimes blame my H but I have done that only because it has been so painful and confusing. He tried his best and loved them to but just had a different approach--I have been lenient to an extreme degree and regarding just a few things he is the opposite. We put all of our resources into them. I thought about beginning to teach when they were very young infants; gave it a try and when I missed them, H encouraged me to quit and stay at home. The next time I taught was when my youngest was in Pre-K--taught at the preschool then substituted (occassionally longer term assignments) at their elementary school until my youngest was in 3rd grade. Then I began teaching. When my youngest had trouble in middle school, I quit work for 1.5 years to homeschool until I got the youngest into a better school. There were music lessons, dance lessons, swim lessons, T-ball games, hunting, baseball games, traveling with us and lots of school trips including trips to many other states and countries, etc, etc. The main thing I chastize myself about is being to involved and to helpful. It's not like I can't let go. I would gladly say goodbye forever if I though it would help them. I really would.

I don't have an answer for you, but I blame myself for my daughter's MI problems. First off, as someone who went to college for Human Services, I feel that I should have noticed that she was struggling, before she came to me at the beginning of her senior year and asked me to get her a therapist. To this day I don't understand how I missed it, but I did. I also feel that my MI issues, which I have been able to hide most of my life, may have impacted her indirectly. I always felt that I had my anxiety issues under control, but I now realize that I probably didn't and that I modeled anxious behavior to her all of her life. When I was in college I knew that I needed help, but never went into therapy. I ended up going in a different direction professionally. I often wonder if I had gone into therapy when I was in college, if my daughters struggles would have been less. My therapist now tells me its not my fault. I don't believe her. I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for failing her.

That is certainly our desire and something we hope will happen, but no, it is *not* our responsibility to make it so. Our job is to train, teach, provide and nurture without doing things that can make them unhappy and ill, but the ultimate outcome can only be discovered, not orchestrated.

Hi sophiesmom

Well first of all.........I guess you knew I'd be saying this but:
"They are all wonderful in their own ways. Three of them are MUCH better people than I am"
I would honestly say that you don't give yourself anywhere near enough of the credit you deserve!! So just remember that, yes??

And..........I'd say that you do have all the insight in knowing that depression is blameless, and in knowing that you did your best, as with all of your children........
"ALL of mine were raised with equal opportunities geared toward their own individual strengths. And copious amounts of love"
And naturally you know that someone can have every single thing "right" in their lives.......but still............depression............

So you have all the logical, factual (!!) stuff but I can completely understand that parental instinct of self-blame even if you've done everything........still that doubt regardless

So..........let's look at it another way..........the depression is what it is........blameless..........but..........he is so very fortunate to have a mom who is so understanding of what he is going through, who is so empathetic, who so clearly still sees him underneath the depression, who still sees and really values his strengths, who wants to be there for him regardless, who cares so much about him and wants the best for him, who loves him as much as is clear in your thread/post.
And all of that is beyond priceless!!!

So you sophiesmom are a shining star in his life, however he is feeling!!
For some people they can be that when everything is fine (or not too bad, natural up's and down's) in their child's life........but then there are even less of those who can be that when things are bad or real bad in their child's lives..........
So, I for one, am glad he has you for a mom, sophiesmom

Alison

^^^what Allison said !

I was reflective, for a moment on something that my grandmother told me, "it's not your responsibility to rescue them." and I'd pull that further here and say that it's not your responsibility for happiness-whatever happiness truly is.

You're there to listen and be supportive. Maybe there's some disappointment that this adult child hasn't found their path and a way out of their foggy cloud? At the same time, to me, it's affecting you negatively despite having given them all that you could to get off on the right foot-something not everyone has. Maybe they just need trials and tribulations to figure themselves out?

Not that it's not hard to watch on your end.

Sending you warm thoughts through this.

Well... I don't know. The problem is, in my case, I really am to blame. And it's too late to do anything about any of it. It all just was what it was. So I simply strive to accept things as they are from moment to moment, day to day. I almost never cry. I learned early on that that's just not what boys, let alone men, do. But I'm besieged with guilt & remorse 24 /7. And when those difficult memories come up, which they do over-&-over again, I breathe into them, & smile to them. Sometimes I will even place a hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for them. Then I allow them to fade of their own accord until the next time. What else can I do?

May I give you a different perspective? I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, all the way back to as young as 4 years old. I knew that there was something different about me. I cried too easily, the least little thing would just shove me down into a mental hole. I still struggle with these feelings. And I had a good childhood, no abuse, no neglect, etc. So I know that my parents had nothing to do with me having depression. And neither do you.

My CBT psychiatrist made me think out several lists:

What is advantageous to feeling this way? What are the disadvantages of feeling this way? What positive differences have I made?