Is empathy something most people are born with naturally or does it have to be taught? Based on what I've been reading, it appears most research points towards most children naturally developing it and those who don't (or at least as much) have some sort of personality or neurological difference.

I've been told I have low empathy. I feel like I can feel it for some people, but maybe it doesn't always look like empathy is supposed to to other people. I'm just wondering if it's more likely I was never taught or if I could have some sort of neurological or personality difference.

I never even realized my empathy was low until I was told. I just naturally recognize and focus more on my needs than the needs of others. Although, that's less of the case the more practice I get with the needs of others through my job. But outside of my job, I just don't connect or interact with other people (as in my peers) like others do. And it's not like I don't want to. It's hard to explain. I don't really understand myself. I simply don't understand what people need or when they want to be comforted or what I'm supposed to do.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

...wondering if it's more likely I was never taught or if I could have some sort of neurological or personality difference.

...

...don't understand what people need or when they want to be comforted or what I'm supposed to do.

In my own case, I believe I am somewhere on the autism spectrum where empathy can exist (naturally, I believe) but is not easily visible or readily made manifest. Then either alongside that or even as part of it, my lack of social intelligence comes out in the second part you have mentioned. Overall, I do my best to deal with all of that by just doing for others as I would want someone to do for me at a given moment or time of trouble.

I do agree with the fact that a child is born with empathy, however, I also think that based on my personal experience, a child who is raised by abusive parents or has suffered some type of severe trauma or neglect before the age of 5 can have a harder time feeling empathy or lose the ability to feel empathy for others as an adult all together.

I think this is the reason why I don't have any empathy as an adult. While I do have cognitive empathy (the ability to understand people's feelings on a logical level) I am finding that I'm almost incapable of feeling emotional empathy (the ability to feel what others feel). Despite me not having any empathy as an adult, as a young child, I was very sensitive and emotional.

My point is that how one is raised DOES play a role in one's ability to have empathy as an adult.

Originally Posted by leejosepho

In my own case, I believe I am somewhere on the autism spectrum where empathy can exist (naturally, I believe) but is not easily visible or readily made manifest. Then either alongside that or even as part of it, my lack of social intelligence comes out in the second part you have mentioned. Overall, I do my best to deal with all of that by just doing for others as I would want someone to do for me at a given moment or time of trouble.

I have a long list of reasons that I suspect high functioning autism for myself as well. I've found that what I want isn't necessarily what other people want. I suspect most people want hugs or other kinds of touch but I have no idea how to time it. I myself don't really want hugs (touching my hand/arm is usually ok) and my reactions range from a violent reaction (if I'm really upset, touch can just "overload" me) to just resignation. I've only really felt comforted by the light touch on the hand/arm and specifically by my boyfriend. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to it though. I guess I would want to be comforted, but touch isn't always comforting to me? So I don't know how to apply it to other people. I just try to talk to them and hope it doesn't make the problem worse or they think I'm cold or something.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I do agree with the fact that a child is born with empathy, however, I also think that based on my personal experience, a child who is raised by abusive parents or has suffered some type of severe trauma or neglect before the age of 5 can have a harder time feeling empathy or lose the ability to feel empathy for others as an adult all together.

I think this is the reason why I don't have any empathy as an adult. While I do have cognitive empathy (the ability to understand people's feelings on a logical level) I am finding that I'm almost incapable of feeling emotional empathy (the ability to feel what others feel). Despite me not having any empathy as an adult, as a young child, I was very sensitive and emotional.

My point is that how one is raised DOES play a role in one's ability to have empathy as an adult.

Sure, but where's the line between a bad/less than ideal childhood and being "wired differently"? Maybe part of the reason I didn't get my needs met as a child was because I was different and my parents didn't know how to meet my needs. Although to be fair, my dad was an a-hole. I think personally, that effected my self-esteem more than my empathy directly. I was just wondering if parents were supposed to show a child how to have empathy, like they teach them how to tie a shoe or something.

Maybe both being "weird" and my childhood both contribute. Although, unlike you, I didn't realize I didn't have normal empathy until it was pointed out. I don't know if that makes any difference. I'm also still sensitive and emotional. I'm pretty neurotic honestly.

Sure, but where's the line between a bad/less than ideal childhood and being "wired differently"? Maybe part of the reason I didn't get my needs met as a child was because I was different and my parents didn't know how to meet my needs. Although to be fair, my dad was an a-hole. I think personally, that effected my self-esteem more than my empathy directly. I was just wondering if parents were supposed to show a child how to have empathy, like they teach them how to tie a shoe or something.

Maybe both being "weird" and my childhood both contribute. Although, unlike you, I didn't realize I didn't have normal empathy until it was pointed out. I don't know if that makes any difference. I'm also still sensitive and emotional. I'm pretty neurotic honestly.

I'm not a psychologist so I can't speak from anything other than personal experience so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think genetics do play a role on the level of empathy a child grows up to have along with how good of a childhood they had. I also think that it takes an extreme amount of trauma and abuse to turn into somebody completely void of empathy as an adult.

In fact, sociopaths are born in this exact manner. Unlike psychopaths (which are a completely different thing entirely), sociopaths are made into what they are by experiencing some sort of significant trauma or neglect typically before age 5 and/or have had a traumatic childhood. They also need to have a genetic disposition to develop sociopathy since a person without it would likely develop into something else such as a BPD or DID or something like that.

I've actually spoken with a couple different diagnosed sociopaths about this topic and I extensively sought knowledge on this subject for awhile because for a time, I believed that I was a sociopath as well.

Even if one doesn't develop sociopathy from a traumatic childhood, it still is possible for one to have less empathy as an adult from something such as another personality disorder or other condition.

As far as empathy having to be taught, I don't think it does. I've seen plenty of young children (age 5-8) seem like they genuinely cared about other people. If empathy had to be taught, would a child that young really seem to have more empathy than many adults?

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

...what I want isn't necessarily what other people want...don't really want hugs...touch isn't always comforting to me? So I don't know how to apply it to other people. I just try to talk to them and hope it doesn't make the problem worse or they think I'm cold or something.

Exactly. I neither need nor want someone's touch to know I have his or her attention, so hearing something like "Shut up and kiss me!", for example, makes no sense to me.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

...where's the line between a bad/less than ideal childhood and being "wired differently"? Maybe part of the reason I didn't get my needs met as a child was because I was different and my parents didn't know how to meet my needs.

I think "wired differently" is/was the greater factor there in my own case. But yes, and even though I seldom self-label as "weird", I do believe my difference and my childhood each contributed to my overall lack of social and emotional intelligence.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I'm also still sensitive and emotional. I'm pretty neurotic honestly.

I isolate a bit and use some avoidance to reduce that, but I can definitely identify!

I'm sorry for anyone who has no or little empathy.

I personally feel sorry for anybody with high levels of empathy, especially empaths because empathy for others holds one back from their ultimate potential.

Because I have no empathy for the overwhelmingly majority of humanity, I am capable of doing the things for the world that nobody else could stomach. I am capable of greatness that would otherwise be out of reach for me because I can do morally questionable things to achieve a goal and make the tough choices such as saving the lives of 100 people by sacrificing one and so forth.

So while the empaths are "feeling bad" for say the starving African children and sending them food that gets stolen or wasted, people like myself are making the more rational plans to eliminate the source of the problem all together even if such a plan takes significantly longer to achieve and more children die in the process, it helps more children in the long run and saves more resources.

I think Darkness raises an interesting point. It made me think about a review I recently read on a psychologist's book which questions the value of empathy as being an irrational and easily manipulated emotion:

http://www.economist.com/news/books-...others-expense

I'm not sure where my own thoughts lie on this but I do think it's important to draw a line between empathy and caring - it is possible to still care and be compassionate without empathy. Empathy is about reading others emotions - it's possible to have good empathy but not necessarily use it for good, in fact it's possible to use empathic knowledge for harm. Feeling what others feel is not always good either - I write this as a fairly empathic person who has been overwhelmed on occasion.

[-jimi-]

The concept of empathy bothers me altogether. It has so many parts that no one ends up empathic. Normal people with normal upbringing don't give a damn about kids starving to death or dying in bomb raids. Normal people do not understand when or why a spectrum person is upset.

I don't care if I have empathy or not. I want rather to be seen as a caring person. And not a blindly caring person, cuz that is well.. dumb.

[Entity06]

I think there is a learning component to empathy in the sense that, like say any other ability, it rarely develops past a point without practice and example.

We're probably all wired for empathy as humans(and those who aren't, are born with some condition) because it makes sense as social creatures and as a species that thrives by sticking together and cooperating and forming bonds.

I do think that, depending on each person's personality and the smallest of details in their upbringing and general experiences, someone who grew up without making close connections with others, someone socially isolated and "different" can very well just not really know how to channel that capacity for empathy, what to do with it so to speak, how to feel it and act on it. It's not that it isn't there and of course everyone has different levels of it, but it would make sense that someone who is socially inexperienced and hasn't connected much with others, could feel/appear less empathetic than they could be.

Think about it, for ex, it's shown that because of gender stereotypes and roles, girls are encouraged to develop their emotional and social skills/awareness, while boys are discouraged from it and taught they should repress their emotions because boys aren't supposed to be emotionally sensitive. As a result, it's not really that men don't feel intense emotions and cannot be sensitive, it's that a lot of them end up repressed and stunted emotionally, they lack the skills to properly identify, feel and express their emotions. What we call emotional intelligence and social skills, like empathy, are things we're wired for but there is a learning curve, you do need to practice and develop these skills.

Sure, no everyone is as strongly empathetic as others, just like we all have the same needs but on different levels, in different forms. But empathy is not absent if you don't give a damn about kids starving in Africa or something like that, the way you react to those things are influenced by culture and general knowledge and so on. Empathy isn't absent just because you can't empathize with everyone and everything, because empathy involves a certain degree of intellectual understanding of the situation someone is in, a certain degree of tolerance and so on.

There's empathy as an intuitive ability and as a practiced ability. It's like having a good musical ear vs being skilled at playing the piano.

Take for example, understanding people with depression. Most people tell them "it's all in your head", "Just get out of the house and you'll feel better"... Because of that, various articles have been published to actually tell people how to behave towards people with depression - telling someone with depression how much you love them, being there for them, listening, supporting them... But someone with a decent amount of empathy won't require much guidelines regarding this

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I'm not sure where my own thoughts lie on this but I do think it's important to draw a line between empathy and caring - it is possible to still care and be compassionate without empathy. Empathy is about reading others emotions - it's possible to have good empathy but not necessarily use it for good, in fact it's possible to use empathic knowledge for harm. Feeling what others feel is not always good either - I write this as a fairly empathic person who has been overwhelmed on occasion.

I feel like I care about some people anyway. I don't know if I really read emotions that well on most people. I think I can tell with my boyfriend pretty well because he seems to have over-exaggerated facial expressions and often announces how he feels. I can get exaggerated emotions, but it's going to be difficult for me to tell someone is angry if they're calm about it if you know what I mean.

Originally Posted by -jimi-

The concept of empathy bothers me altogether. It has so many parts that no one ends up empathic. Normal people with normal upbringing don't give a damn about kids starving to death or dying in bomb raids. Normal people do not understand when or why a spectrum person is upset.

I don't care if I have empathy or not. I want rather to be seen as a caring person. And not a blindly caring person, cuz that is well.. dumb.

I agree. Although, I wonder (and I promise I'm not trying to be a smart ***), I definitely understand why someone on the spectrum could be upset, so does that confirm that I'm not normal? I'm pretty sure I often know when they are too, at least as long as if it's a less subtle reaction.

Originally Posted by Entity06

I think there is a learning component to empathy in the sense that, like say any other ability, it rarely develops past a point without practice and example.

We're probably all wired for empathy as humans(and those who aren't, are born with some condition) because it makes sense as social creatures and as a species that thrives by sticking together and cooperating and forming bonds.

I do think that, depending on each person's personality and the smallest of details in their upbringing and general experiences, someone who grew up without making close connections with others, someone socially isolated and "different" can very well just not really know how to channel that capacity for empathy, what to do with it so to speak, how to feel it and act on it. It's not that it isn't there and of course everyone has different levels of it, but it would make sense that someone who is socially inexperienced and hasn't connected much with others, could feel/appear less empathetic than they could be.

Think about it, for ex, it's shown that because of gender stereotypes and roles, girls are encouraged to develop their emotional and social skills/awareness, while boys are discouraged from it and taught they should repress their emotions because boys aren't supposed to be emotionally sensitive. As a result, it's not really that men don't feel intense emotions and cannot be sensitive, it's that a lot of them end up repressed and stunted emotionally, they lack the skills to properly identify, feel and express their emotions. What we call emotional intelligence and social skills, like empathy, are things we're wired for but there is a learning curve, you do need to practice and develop these skills.

Sure, no everyone is as strongly empathetic as others, just like we all have the same needs but on different levels, in different forms. But empathy is not absent if you don't give a damn about kids starving in Africa or something like that, the way you react to those things are influenced by culture and general knowledge and so on. Empathy isn't absent just because you can't empathize with everyone and everything, because empathy involves a certain degree of intellectual understanding of the situation someone is in, a certain degree of tolerance and so on.

I didn't really have close connections with others growing up (or even as a young adult). Although I'm curious, at what point to people become capable of developing deep connections? I would think it would be difficult as a child, since children are necessarily more selfish and their needs are automatically more important than the needs of others. How would one develop close connections when one is focused on their own needs enough that they don't notice, recognize, or possibly not care about the needs of others?

Despite having more emotional reactions to things than most, I'm not sure how much I was socialized as a girl. Otherwise, I have a more traditionally male personality.

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Because of that, various articles have been published to actually tell people how to behave towards people with depression - telling someone with depression how much you love them, being there for them, listening, supporting them... But someone with a decent amount of empathy won't require much guidelines regarding this

I wonder what it means if I know this but don't know how to go about executing it.

Or in some cases, I don't understand why it's helpful. Like telling someone you love them or something...I usually want either a practical solution for what's pushed me into a low mood or validation for how I feel. If someone were to just say "I love you", it feels invalidating...like something I already know magically makes everything alright.

Sorry I didn't get to replying to everyone directly...your posts all appreciated. As it is, I've been working on the reply for a couple of days now and I'm not sure how scattered it is.

I feel like I care about some people anyway. I don't know if I really read emotions that well on most people. I think I can tell with my boyfriend pretty well because he seems to have over-exaggerated facial expressions and often announces how he feels. I can get exaggerated emotions, but it's going to be difficult for me to tell someone is angry if they're calm about it if you know what I mean.

I think I do know what you mean, I think this is often decribed as 'reading between the lines'. Sometimes people can be less obvious about expressing their true emotions, the clues (often micro-changes in expression or often the eyes telling a different story to the rest of the face) can be very subtle and not easy to spot. I can see how it must be helpful that your boyfriend has exaggerated expression, and I can also see that is something that we could all be aware of to help others.

I think it is a valid point that neurotypicals (for want of better word) do not always understand or appreciate the experiences of those with autism or related neuro differences. It's something we should all try to understand IMO.

I believe you are born with empathy.

I raised three children.

Two seemed naturally inclined to empathy and I really don't think I did more than cultivate what was already there. A lead by example sort of thing. I certainly expected a reasonably minimum high standard of empathy, feelings, and taking others into account.

Unfortunately it wasn't so with the third. My step son has not an ounce of empathy within him - and he couldn't be taught it either. When he stole for example or committed acts of violence he had no thought for his victims. He did things like steal because he felt he deserved the money or object. It failed to occur to him what this was doing to those he stole from or hurt. No matter how much I tried to show him the impact of his actions on others the more he stared blankly in utter confusion by what I was saying. Suggesting he lace himself in the other's shoes he couldn't fathom what the point of that was. He simply deserved the object of his desire, felt wronged that he was denied it, and that he was justified in obtaining it.

I raised all three with the same nurturing, support and expectations, yet I got completely different results. So yes, I believe empathy is something innately within us.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I think I do know what you mean, I think this is often decribed as 'reading between the lines'. Sometimes people can be less obvious about expressing their true emotions, the clues (often micro-changes in expression or often the eyes telling a different story to the rest of the face) can be very subtle and not easy to spot. I can see how it must be helpful that your boyfriend has exaggerated expression, and I can also see that is something that we could all be aware of to help others.

I think it is a valid point that neurotypicals (for want of better word) do not always understand or appreciate the experiences of those with autism or related neuro differences. It's something we should all try to understand IMO.

It is probably worth mentioning that it's extremely likely he's on the spectrum himself. He hasn't gotten diagnosed officially and isn't interested because of the stigma. That might have something to do with his exaggeration of emotions. He's said he's done a lot of work on being able to show empathy himself, so apparently it's possible to build. I don't know. I've been trying to figure out how people think and their motivations by reading a lot of posts on here. I do have to say, there are some situations described on here that I can't understand why they're so upsetting or how the other people in that situation are at fault.

I'm really terrible at figuring out motivations and that hurts people (which I only kind of understand why). It's one of the things on the long list of reasons I don't attempt to make any friends. Without clear empathy it seems next to impossible to actually bond with many people.

If someone explains how they feel or their motivations (and what they need) and not just assume I'm selfish and cold, I can generally respond how I'm supposed to respond. I've been learning how to comfort by mirroring, but it still feels pretty unnatural.

I think I've developed the ability to show/feel empathy towards my boyfriend at least since I can usually recognized how he feels and get upset/stressed when he's upset/stressed. So that's something at least.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I believe you are born with empathy.

I raised three children.

Two seemed naturally inclined to empathy and I really don't think I did more than cultivate what was already there. A lead by example sort of thing. I certainly expected a reasonably minimum high standard of empathy, feelings, and taking others into account.

Unfortunately it wasn't so with the third. My step son has not an ounce of empathy within him - and he couldn't be taught it either. When he stole for example or committed acts of violence he had no thought for his victims. He did things like steal because he felt he deserved the money or object. It failed to occur to him what this was doing to those he stole from or hurt. No matter how much I tried to show him the impact of his actions on others the more he stared blankly in utter confusion by what I was saying. Suggesting he lace himself in the other's shoes he couldn't fathom what the point of that was. He simply deserved the object of his desire, felt wronged that he was denied it, and that he was justified in obtaining it.

I raised all three with the same nurturing, support and expectations, yet I got completely different results. So yes, I believe empathy is something innately within us.

I'm not sure my experience is quite the same as your step son's. First of all, I rarely feel like I deserve anything. It can be difficult to even believe I deserve to be alive. Sometimes I do or say hurtful things and don't quite understand why they're hurtful. But when I realize they're hurtful I'm plagued by so much guilt. And it just builds and builds until I often get thoughts of hurting myself or actually hurt myself.

[avlady]

I think i have too much empathy, i don't cry much but hurt inside if someone is being bullied etc...i can only take so much and have to say something or do something to stop the situation.

Originally Posted by avlady

I think i have too much empathy, i don't cry much but hurt inside if someone is being bullied etc...i can only take so much and have to say something or do something to stop the situation.

I know that feeling - it's like you actually feel their pain, it's exhausting and often doesn't help anyone. I think having good boundaries can help a bit.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I wonder what it means if I know this but don't know how to go about executing it.

Or in some cases, I don't understand why it's helpful. Like telling someone you love them or something...I usually want either a practical solution for what's pushed me into a low mood or validation for how I feel. If someone were to just say "I love you", it feels invalidating...like something I already know magically makes everything alright.

Sorry I didn't get to replying to everyone directly...your posts all appreciated. As it is, I've been working on the reply for a couple of days now and I'm not sure how scattered it is.

That's really the flaw in telling people how to behave with people with specific disorders. But what I found in common is expressing to the person with the mental illness that he's not alone (to be honest, it's better to show it rather than say it in the long run), because the common feeling of people with mental illnesses is feeling alone. Once someone knows he's loved and gets to see it, it goes down to the feelings eventually.

I like your practical attitude, and it also works for problems. But again, people can tend to have negative feelings which quite a few people don't know how to treat. They want other people's illnesses to just vanish by saying things like "Man up!", or "Just snap out of it, it's all in your head". These statements are unhelpful, because they leave the responsibility to the one with the mental illness.

I would say most people have low empathy. For me most people pretend to be empathetic just to appear acceptable and altruistic, maybe because they don't know how to genuinely empathize. I think selfishness mainly rules our lives. Most people deny that.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

There's empathy as an intuitive ability and as a practiced ability. It's like having a good musical ear vs being skilled at playing the piano.

Take for example, understanding people with depression. Most people tell them "it's all in your head", "Just get out of the house and you'll feel better"... Because of that, various articles have been published to actually tell people how to behave towards people with depression - telling someone with depression how much you love them, being there for them, listening, supporting them... But someone with a decent amount of empathy won't require much guidelines regarding this

[MuseumGhost]

I think there are people who are born more empathetic than others. And I also believe it is something that can increase in us, as we go along in life.

I always considered myself a very caring, empathetic person. I could always read people's faces and body language very readily. I was always happy to listen; and if people requested, offer them gentle advice.

But with my own illness, I have learned that there is always more we can learn about compassion. Always.

And, that true kindness is never wasted. Ever.

As a healer, understanding another's situation is unparalelled.

[Gus1234U]

personally, i think too many times people confuse sympathy with empathy. i like the word 'compassion'. to me, it means one understands the suffering another is experiencing, but does not feel compelled to take away the opportunity for learning from it.

Sorry for the delayed response...

I've been thinking about it and I think I feel more empathy/compassion or whatever it should be called for people who actually treat me like a person and like I have worth.

Throughout my childhood and through college and experiences in my field, I've often been treated like I don't exist, that my skills and talents are unimportant, or even that I'm just my boyfriend's accessory, or that I'm just subhuman. All of this is because I had the audacity to be born without a penis. Like I somehow willingly chose not to be a guy. The prior generation in my field is still pretty misogynistic. My generation isn't nearly as much, but they were conditioned by the people that were, so it still exists on a subconscious level. And it's oh so subtle sometimes.

You know, once I finally reach human status with people, I tend to care about them more. It's funny how that works. Which would explain why I care about my boyfriend, his family, and the clients and coworkers I currently work with (in a different field).

I think I've just been stuck in the wrong culture my whole life. I only live 3 hours away from my home town at the moment. I'm not sure where to move to though because maybe it is just me. Maybe I'm not fully a person? I'd hate to move some place else and still get ignored or the vast majority of men being REALLY uncomfortable interacting with me. Maybe they're more uncomfortable now that I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years, I don't know.

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

I always considered myself a very caring, empathetic person. I could always read people's faces and body language very readily. I was always happy to listen; and if people requested, offer them gentle advice.

So is being able to read people's faces and body language empathy? I guess I still don't understand fully what it means.

I also can't really do that. It rarely occurs to me to even pay attention to that stuff while in the moment.

And I don't mind listening, but I'm terrible at advice and comforting people. Those sorts of things were not modeled for me as a child. My physical needs were taken care of but not really my emotional needs.