i don't feel that i can generate much sympathy from anyone. on the outside everything is fine. i appear to be functioning. i also have a strong personality. my only outward symptoms are the unnamables: trichotillomania and self injury.

but inside i am a mess. i don't think that people want to hear about my struggles, though, since i don't look like i'm at rock bottom.

i am not sure even i allow myself to think of my problems. i am too fortunate to have problems. sometimes i think of ways to appear more vulnerable, more lovable, but at the same time, i lack the knowledge or innate ability to show myself, or to connect genuinely with people

all i wish is for someone to understand me and not be repulsed. i wish to have someone with me… maybe as proof of my existence.

[TiredPilgrim]

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time with things. You do exist, and you do have something to contribute to this world. You might think about talking to a therapist. What you say would be protected by client patient confidentiality.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Let me ask you this:

If someone were to walk up to you and say "hello", after you said "hi" ...what would you want the person to say next and what do you think the person would say next - why?

I am not sure about you but I wanted people to see I was self harming. I otherwise felt invisible amongst them.

I quite like the above response. Yes, how would you want the conversation to go? More specifically what are your expectations? Of yourself? Of the other party?

I actually used to rehearse such conversations. They happen more naturally now. Having worked on my self worth through CBT really improved things for me. I was always gregarious (defence mechanism) and met people easily but continuing that meeting into meaningful conversation took a great deal of effort. It's far easier now.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Let me ask you this:

If someone were to walk up to you and say "hello", after you said "hi" ...what would you want the person to say next and what do you think the person would say next - why?

That's a very good question. I'm not sure. Sometimes, I wish I could have someone simply tell me that I'm doing all right. That they are proud of me, and that I'm not a bad person, that the bad things in my childhood weren't my fault.…

A lot of the time, I really would just like to feel safe and protected and understood.

If someone walked up to me and were a stranger, to be honest, I would not want to talk to them. But I would hope that they would be patient with me, because it takes me a very long time to open up. And I can't articulate my needs, because I don't know what they are…

I am really struggling to think of something specific I would want a person to say to me. I don't trust anyone, so I stick to small talk or jokes. If I can't do that, I walk away rudely. Maybe I don't expect them to like me. And I expect myself to make sure the conversation or the person doesn't hurt me.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Ok, I am going to break this down bit by bit bc I want to show a few things to you.

"Sometimes, I wish I could have someone simply tell me that I'm doing all right. That they are proud of me "

I think it is normal to want affirmation and a little big of "love", but you can start with self love. Do you love yourself?

," and that I'm not a bad person, that the bad things in my childhood weren't my fault.…"

First, it really is not your fault -and I hope you know that deep within yourself no matter what others say because others can be hurtful at times. Next, the only "bad people" in this world are those who refuse to learn from their mistakes and instead prefer to embrace them to the point they don't card who they hurt (the only possible exception here are those who have ASD). So unless you consider yourself to fall under that category - you need to know you are not a bad person.

"A lot of the time, I really would just like to feel safe and protected and understood."

This is something you generally only get from parents, spouses, or pets.

"If someone walked up to me and were a stranger, to be honest, I would not want to talk to them."

This is understandable, but at the same time if you want people to be accepting of you, you need to be accepting of them. That does not mean you have to be the first to speak or that you can't be shy or cautious. It just means you should be willing to accept a possibility this person means you no harm and only wishes to be your friend.

"But I would hope that they would be patient with me, because it takes me a very long time to open up. And I can't articulate my needs, because I don't know what they are… "

There is no reason you should need to feel rushed to disclose anything of even that you need to disclose anything at all. This person is to be your friend, not your counselor, so what and how much you choose to tell them about you is up to you.

"I am really struggling to think of something specific I would want a person to say to me. I don't trust anyone, so I stick to small talk or jokes. If I can't do that, I walk away rudely. Maybe I don't expect them to like me. And I expect myself to make sure the conversation or the person doesn't hurt me."

It really sounds to me like perhaps you have low self esteem and are perceiving others as judging you, with the judgement you have passed on yourself. That sense of judgement stops you from socializing. Maybe I am wrong. That's just how it sounds to me.

I think you should give yourself a chance. Show yourself the love and understanding you crave. Once you do, you will find socializing easier.

Don't get me wrong, I can socialize… I am shy, but am capable of approaching people and can be really quite charming. I can make friends / pleasant talk with strangers easily when I'm in a good mood.

The real problem is that I can't sustain a relationship, or have one with a deep connection. I know I will never have a real friendship or healthy/genuine romantic relationship because of it. You're right that part of me thinks I'm not likable or that I'm unworthy of friends.

You're right, too, that I probably would only get a sense of deep connection from parents or spouses or pet… I worry that maybe I'm volatile because I'm looking for too deep of a connection. But I always feel alone, and that no one knows me. (Of course, I doubt anyone can really be known 100% by another person, but no one knows anything very personal about me, and if I try to open up, the story I tell them jars so badly with what they do know about me that they don't believe me or the conversation remains on a superficial level despite my attempt to confess. It is then that I have the capacity to become cold, wrap up the conversation, and leave.)

So, maybe I'm simply looking for too deep of a connection. Maybe what I'm experiencing is normal. I worry that I'm looking for a parental figure to sort of make up for a deprived childhood. Of course, I know that would never happen because I'm a piece of ****.

I burned two friendships down tonight in one sitting. You know, case closed. I don't really want to talk about it now. I just know I'm a terrible person. I lure people in because I'm charming and, for a lack of a better word, kind of cool and socially I can be very dominant, but I can't truly be that person for a prolonged period of time. It's too difficult for me because every night I go home and I am just a worthless nobody. I just wish someone could be strong for me, or be the leader in the relationship because I can't.

And what you said about what a bad person is… I am one. I was so mean to my parents (because of societal standards that I won't go into) that they snapped and were mean to me. Neglect turned into abuse. I deserved every minute of it. I deserved all of it, so was it that bad after all? I caused it. In fact I think I caused most of my family's dysfunction just by being born. And when I was old enough to act, I made things go steadily downhill. And I was stubborn so I didn't change. I brought it down on myself.

You're right. I don't love myself. I am a piece of **** and the only thing I am worthy of trying to live for is my career, which will hopefully be very successful to get me out of my worthless mediocrity. I have a good internship lined up for the summer and my last semester of college, so I will live for that. And then I'll try to find a job. And I'll live for that. There are no people in my life. I don't deserve to live, no less have a friend.

I'm very sorry. I suppose I just want a friend that I can be genuine with. I know they aren't my counselor (or do I? I was expected to be there emotionally for my mother and when I wasn't, all hell would break loose. Maybe I'm turning into her). Maybe there is no true friendship.

Thank you for taking the time to go through my previous post so thoroughly. I hope I didn't scare you off. I'm very sorry for this long post, and I hope that one day I can try to love myself but I don't think that's a possibility. What would it even look like to love myself? It's not like I'm especially cruel to myself… I dress relatively nicely, I try to do well for myself….

[BrazenApogee]

Sounds like a lot that I have felt. Do you have a T? I find it helps to have a Therapist I can tell all the bits to, so that I can feel that some one knows me. Then I don't feel so alone when I'm with friends or other people. It doesn't hurt so much, and slowly feels better, cause T knows me and can hold all the bits.

[Quarter life]

Over a decade ago my psychiatrist told me a secret about people. He said 'I know this may sound like a cliché, but a smile goes a long way'...A smile lets others know that you are ok and that you think they are ok too'.

It took a while for me to take this advice to heart, but then I began to use this trick to practice making small connections with others. When we smile at others...more often than not they will smile back which does wonders for our feeling of belonging and worthyness. It is only a small thing....but a perfect way to start letting others into your life.

Be kind to yourself emptynightmare.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

emptynightmare,

No need to apologize for the length of the post. I asked you for several responses - which meant a long post ❤. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

You sound very similar to how I once was.

You blame yourself for abuse. You know why you do that? Because while you were being abused you were told time and time again "it's your fault", "if you would just so this instead of that", "if you would only stop doing that", "if you would only listen to me" and given the "promise" that if you met those "if's" - things would not be this way. No matter what you did though, it was never good enough - the requirements just changed.

Ex. "If you would only let me speak when I am talking so"... You learn to be quiet when they are talking. Then they say "If you would only wait til you are spoken to, before you speak." Then you get that down but then it changes completely. "If you would only listen to me when I ask you to do something."

These may or may not have been statements made to you by your parents. But I can tell you with great certainty something similar at least was said .. and that you also went through small periods of time when everything seemed "normal" .. just to have it go sour again and told it's all your fault again.

It wasn't.

It wasn't then. And it isn't now. You are not the bad person you think you are - you are just an injured person. It's ok to be injured. Injuries can be repaired. Some take longer to mend than others - but they can mend. ❤

You ask what loving yourself would look like. It's not about the clothes you wear or how many smiles you fake. Loving yourself has to do with being able to look at or think of yourself and think "yeah, I've done my best. I've made mistakes along the way, but I'm learning how to not make those anymore and I am growing. I can see how far I've come from what I was - and it makes me happy to see all those changes and all the things I am doing now. I'm proud to be me, there's no other person I'd rather be." When you are able to feel that - it's like an invisible armor. When people try to make you feel like crap, you know it's just being deflected from you and placed back on them. I'm not saying ir's not possible to damage that armor - it is, but, it's generally easier to get it repaired once you have it put in place the first time. You never got a chance to learn it. Parents are supposed to teach their kids stuff like that. Yours didn't. You can still do it though- if you want to and if you set your heart and mind to it.

It is understandable you want a parental figure/role model in your life. You never had that. The problem is - now, you are going to have to be the parental figure to yourself you always wanted. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself room to grow. Buy teddybears or whatever you need to so when you need to cry and feel like someone is holding you - you can. Hug yourself from time to time just to remind yourself you are important and special too. When really nice things happen in your life - celebrate them. Do the things you would want a parent to do. Tell yourself you are loved.

When you do make a friend, it's ok to tell them about yourself but its best to do it a little at a time. Both for them and yourself. Some people go around telling others everything they know. You don't want everyone know everything about you, right? So tell them a little bit, see if they tell it to others or not - if not, tell a bit more. Watch to see if they tell that. Keep doing the same. It allows you to feel more secure with them and allows them to not be "shell shocked" ... they are able to get used to it slowly, like walking into cold water .. some people need to ease into it. Watch to see their reactions on each peice of new information, if they appear really shocked, give them a bit more time to get used to it. If they are accepting of it - you can tell them the next bit when you are comfortable knowing they won't tell it. In a true friendship nobody really needs to be dominant (that thought comes from all the abuse you had), because both are equals. There for one another when needed. Have fun with one another. Talk to each other. Sometimes arguments will happen - but will be resolved on equal ground, not by commands. Friends can come and go as they please though too, not like in a relationship. Friendships can be a beautiful thing, but only if done in a fashion both are comfortable with.

❤

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The posts from Crypts sounds excellent - I suggest to follow her advice. Also, if that can help, people here will listen to you and understand