[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

People ask me how I am. "I'm good", I say and flash a smile. After all, what else can I do? If I say anything else, I need to explain. If I don't smile, there's a little glimmer of disbelief that gets probed evermore as the conversation progresses
I don't know how to explain what I feel or why I feel it. So, I smile. I laugh. I toss my head in glee.

I would keep to myself. It would probably be better that way.. but if I do that, people will wonder. Questions will start. "Why don't you ever talk to anyone anymore? ", "Why won't you do anything anymore? ", "Are you really okay?" I don't want the curiosities. I don't want the questions. So I stay. But, those around me end up feeling hurt. I feel guilty.

Maybe I'm evil. Maybe that's why my life's been this way. It's just what I deserve. Maybe I should just be quiet now and take everything life has in store for me. Why won't these people leave me alone? Can't they let me be in my own misery? I don't want it to spill on them too. Please let them go away.

Do I really need to die to make things right? I keep trying to fight but getting nowhere. I get pushed back to the start when I begin to make progress. I'm worn out now. Tell me. What do I do?

I've told you this many times and I will continue to repeat myself until you understand:

You are not a bad person!

In fact, you are one of the kindest, most down to earth people that I've ever met and I find your insight, wisdom, and willingness to help people a breath of fresh air compared to most people. You aren't evil. In fact, you are the polar opposite of evil.

I wouldn't let yourself feel bad over these other people. Maybe they want to help or maybe they're simply nosy? It's still none of their business what you're thinking and feeling and if you choose not to disclose how you feel to them, it's your right. Nobody has the right to force you to talk about your feelings and if they do, it isn't your fault.

So no, you're certainly not "evil" or "bad". You're awesome.

[Sunflower123]

I agree. I hope you feel better soon.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I've told you this many times and I will continue to repeat myself until you understand:

You are not a bad person!

In fact, you are one of the kindest, most down to earth people that I've ever met and I find your insight, wisdom, and willingness to help people a breath of fresh air compared to most people. You aren't evil. In fact, you are the polar opposite of evil.

I wouldn't let yourself feel bad over these other people. Maybe they want to help or maybe they're simply nosy? It's still none of their business what you're thinking and feeling and if you choose not to disclose how you feel to them, it's your right. Nobody has the right to force you to talk about your feelings and if they do, it isn't your fault.

So no, you're certainly not "evil" or "bad". You're awesome.

Thank you so much for this. It's not the same people all the time, but sometimes it just feels I have nowhere to just "be". Sometimes I want to talk and nobody wants to listen. See, that's usually the problem with those questions too, even if I do answer honest - most people don't want to hear, yet, they don't like feeling lied to either. I'm not a good enough liar to pull that off and I don't want to be. People just need to decide one way or the other if they want to know my answer or not BEFORE they ask the questions. They need to learn to deal with it when I choose not to answer too.

Problem is, I know I can't control what they do or how they react to me. I can only control me and how I react to them, and I'm not sure how to do that anymore. I just know I'm tired of the games.

[Fuzzybear]

I wish I had an answer. I don't think you're a bad person though

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Thank you so much for this. It's not the same people all the time, but sometimes it just feels I have nowhere to just "be". Sometimes I want to talk and nobody wants to listen. See, that's usually the problem with those questions too, even if I do answer honest - most people don't want to hear, yet, they don't like feeling lied to either. I'm not a good enough liar to pull that off and I don't want to be. People just need to decide one way or the other if they want to know my answer or not BEFORE they ask the questions. They need to learn to deal with it when I choose not to answer too.

Problem is, I know I can't control what they do or how they react to me. I can only control me and how I react to them, and I'm not sure how to do that anymore. I just know I'm tired of the games.

This is why I never liked nor did I ever see the point in small talk.

To me, small talk is perhaps one of most fake and phony superficial practices that humans engage in. I mean, why would you ask how somebody is doing if you don't care? I would rather talk about things that I'm passionate about or that actually mean something over a bunch of idol chatter.

If somebody comes up to me and asks me how I'm doing and I'm not having a great day, I do everything in my power to disengage from the conversation. I either keep my earphones on and pretend I didn't hear them, I look at my phone and claim that a friend needs something important and I need to go ASAP, I pretend that I'm mute or I mumble just to avoid talking about it.

I understand your frustration with this.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I don't know. Maybe I am just weird, but I do ask people how they are and if they are having a good day, etc - but when I do, it's not fake. I want to hear the answer, or whatever they are willing to tell me. I don't just have a pre-made notion in my head everyone is always "great", and nobody ever needs or wants to talk, nor that I should make them talk if they don't want to (there are exceptions to that depending on the circumstances). I have difficulties figuring out why it's so hard for people to be genuine. ... It's frustrating but it's hurtful too.

[systemfailure]

I know what you are talking about. But I don't question whether I'm a bad person, I question where my support network is. I am the friend that when someone has a crisis I drop everything and go visit, no matter how far they are. I am the family member that takes days off work to fit in with what everyone else decides to do. I am also the one that anytime I try and discuss feeling low, that everyone manages to divert the conversation straight back to themselves. So I have become used to just steering clear of people when I'm low, on the odd occasion that I forget how unimportant my mental well being is, I am quickly reminded by the total lack of concern or even acknowledgment of what I say. I doubt very much your a bad person, sometimes its the good hearted people that get taken advantage of. Chin up, it could be worse we could be Them

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

What do I do?

You hold on. You try to give yourself a break. You hear from all of us here that a LOT of us have had (or are having) the same feelings as you are and that you are NOT alone. Even if it feels like it.

You give yourself permission to be yourself. You find safe people to tell how you're really feeling. I like to shake it up and tell cashiers how I'm feeling. Because everyone says "I'm good" and that's just fake.

You continue to post here, as much as you want to. You talk to people that make you happy. You do things that make you happy. You take it one day at a time...

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Christina86

You hold on. You try to give yourself a break. You hear from all of us here that a LOT of us have had (or are having) the same feelings as you are and that you are NOT alone. Even if it feels like it.

You give yourself permission to be yourself. You find safe people to tell how you're really feeling. I like to shake it up and tell cashiers how I'm feeling. Because everyone says "I'm good" and that's just fake.

You continue to post here, as much as you want to. You talk to people that make you happy. You do things that make you happy. You take it one day at a time...

Thanks.
A lot of that is advice I would usually give others, but ATM am finding myself wondering if those things are just mere "fairy tale thinking".

[Christina86]

It's hard to think positively when you just want to quit and whatnot. But that's why posting here is good -- it gives us an opportunity to hear from others and for them to tell us what's something we can do to help ourselves.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I don't want to quit. But sometimes being heard is impossible.