[Shazerac]

My husband and I got in a huge fight this morning like literally 10 seconds after I walked into the kitchen. Didn't even have a chance to get coffee.

He asked "did you go outside in the middle of the night and have a smoke?" I said I didn't remember and asked why he wanted know. "Well when I got up the alarm was off and now I'm concerned that you don't remember." My prickly MI feelers started twitching. Geez not everything is about my MI. I just forgot. I'm allowed to be human! Fight ensues. Now he's slammed the door to his office his office and will probably be in there fuming and moping all day.

I think we are starting to suffer from care giver burn out. And are turning on each other and fighting about things that usually wouldn't bother us.

My mother in law is 84. Her husband died 5years ago. Her twin sister died last year. All but a few of her friends are gone too. She's lonely and tired of living. I can see where she's coming from. The majority of her life is behind her. She says she's tired of living and wants to go home and be with her loved ones in heaven.

Her health is failing and she's been hospitalized twice in the last few months. When home she doesn't eat well, doesn't want to excercise or go anywhere.

She's depressed, I think this is obvious. But it's situational depression. My husband and his brother get very angry with her and insist that she eat and take care of herself. They use a condescending tone of voice with her and talk to her like she's a child. It's disrespectful, but I know that don't mean that way. They love their mother and they are scared.

Now they have told her that she has take antidepressants or they will remove her from her home and put her in assisted living. From an MI perpective, this disturbs me deeply. I don't agree with forcing her to take psych meds.

I'm walking a tightrope of trying to be her advocate while trying not to alienate my husband and brother in law.

Anyway, I think we need counseling. This issue is not going to go away, and will only get worse as her health declines.

PS: while I was typing this he got in his car and drove away. He never leaves without saying good bye until just now. Yea we need help.

Shaz, that is a very difficult situation and position you are in, trying to be her advocate while also trying not to alienate your husband. I agree with your perspective, ie, that meds should not be forced, nor assisted living as an ultimatum.

Your husband seems to be extremely tense and on edge, on the verge of explosion, from what you describe (well, slamming doors is being rather explosive). Maybe he's completely overwhelmed by the whole situation and is angered by it, but he's taking it out on you... quite unfairly.

Yes, counseling sounds like a great solution at this time. An objective third party can help point out some of these things and more, while taking the heat and pressure off of you.

((((hugs))))

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that counseling might be a good option, if you can afford it

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Shaz, that is a very difficult situation and position you are in, trying to be her advocate while also trying not to alienate your husband. I agree with your perspective, ie, that meds should not be forced, nor assisted living as an ultimatum.

Your husband seems to be extremely tense and on edge, on the verge of explosion, from what you describe (well, slamming doors is being rather explosive). Maybe he's completely overwhelmed by the whole situation and is angered by it, but he's taking it out on you... quite unfairly.

Yes, counseling sounds like a great solution at this time. An objective third party can help point out some of these things and more, while taking the heat and pressure off of you.

((((hugs))))

Thanks Golden I'm going to wait till he calms down to try to talk to him about getting help for us. I'm also going to apologize for snapping at him. I don't really feel like I did anything thing wrong, but I'm going to hold out the olive branch. It's his mother who is dying so I'm going to try to support him. He probably just went to check on his mother. She lives a block away from us.

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Thanks Golden I'm going to wait till he calms down to try to talk to him about getting help for us. I'm also going to apologize for snapping at him. I don't really feel like I did anything thing wrong, but I'm going to hold out the olive branch. It's his mother who is dying so I'm going to try to support him. He probably just went to check on his mother. She lives a block away from us.

That's a very smart, diplomatic and loving/compassionate approach. Sometimes it's best to extend that olive branch, even when we're not in the wrong. Sometimes it doesn't even matter who was right or wrong. You're right.. his mom is dying, and it's a really tough circumstance. I'm sure it's very painful and difficult for him. HUGS. Hope things improve soon.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I agree that counseling might be a good option, if you can afford it

Thank you we can afford it. I'm going to start checking around and look for a therapist who is familiar with geriatrics, end of life issues.

[Copingmeadow]

Sounds like counseling would be of help. Stresful situations and fear for those we love seem to bring out the worst in us. Good for you for being sympathetic to the feelings of all involved.

[Shazerac]

Thank you to all of you for your kind words and support.

When my husband came home. I went to him and hugged him. I told him I was sorry for snapping at him. We sat on the bed together and held each other and both cried. We agreed that we would be extra careful in our feelings and reactions to each other in this difficult time.

He said he is willing to consider seeing a therapist together.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in this position. Good for you for hugging him when he came home. You both sound overwhelmed. When my father was terminally ill with cancer, trying to support my mom and take care of him was so very overwhelming. My sister and I went to counseling together during this time to process. It was a life saver. I'm glad your husband is willing to consider it. I hope you can come to a resolution that brings peace and healing.

[*Laurie*]

I believe that counseling would be good, especially with the caregiving situation.

I feel bad for your MIL...it sounds like she's awfully sad.

I do have one question...why do you not remember whether you went outside during the night to smoke? If you really don't remember, that seems strange.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I believe that counseling would be good, especially with the caregiving situation.

I feel bad for your MIL...it sounds like she's awfully sad.

I do have one question...why do you not remember whether you went outside during the night to smoke? If you really don't remember, that seems strange.

Well I'm really stressed out and the days are blurring together. I know I went out to smoke a few time in the middle of the night lately because I couldn't sleep. I just didn't remember if it was specifically LAST night. It must have been because the alarm was off.

[*Laurie*]

Oh. Stress can do that. I was concerned that maybe it was a med effect (like Ambien, which can cause people to forget all kinds of things).

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Oh. Stress can do that. I was concerned that maybe it was a med effect (like Ambien, which can cause people to forget all kinds of things).

oh Lord no! I don't take Ambien anymore. Make me do weird things...well maybe weirder things but thank you for asking.

[Nammu]

Outliving your spouse and twin has got to be hard. Mum is 89 soon to be 90 and occasionally says she wishes she could die. It's hard to hear...but yeah, ultimatums on AD aren't helpful either. There side effects to consider and they can be awful for older folks.

I'm sorry this all happens.
I got this negative feeling we, as human beings, are losing our abilities to take care of each other emotionally.
A past friend once said - a good world would be one where everyone would see a therapist. I can understand this. I really think mental health exists as some sort of new religion - to put a stop to "demonic" impulses and put an idealistic emphasis on empathy, compassion and self-awareness. Problem is, only the hurt go to therapy. Those who hurt people are much unlikely to go. That is what needs to be changed.

[Rose76]

Aren't you a nice daughter-in-law . . . to be so caring of your husband's mom. There's no guarantee that antidepressant medication will change how your M.I.L. feels, even one little bit. I've taken most of them. It's more likely, IMHO, that she will be adversely affected by side effects. Her sons are wrong to bully her about this. I'm a caretaker of an 82 year old. The very elderly do need a good push now and then, and I give it. But A.D. meds wouldn't be the hill I'ld choose to die on. I save being that adamant for things like laxatives and taking regular showers - things I know will make a big difference right away that is readily observable. Some talk therapy with a nice female therapist might do mom more good, or just having coffee alone with you and talking without the sons breathing down her neck. They are lucky she is still able to be alone in her house. Nice for her that you guys are close by.

Get her some social interaction as best you can. Hanging around her house all day by herself would be depressing. Meds won't change that. Sons would do better to drop by for short visits frequently. Have her over now and then. Her home will seem more welcoming, if she gets out of it now and then. Does she have a cat or dog? Enlist grandkids to stop by and see her. I always say short frequent visits do way more good than rarer long ones. Take her for a drive.

When she goes off into morbid talk, change the subject. Maybe her doctor could order her a course of home physical therapy, as a mood booster. Check out what goes on at the senior centers.

I'm lucky that my elderly s.o. is not prone to moping. As long as there's a football game or a good movie on, he's content enough. But I have to nag to get him showered regularly. A week doesn't go by that I don't start threatening to call the paramedics and say I can't cope anymore. I look back and think I'm just awful, so I understand the sons.

Get the family counseling. It might be just a short course that could change a lot. I'm glad you and hubby can make up so easily. You're wise to be the big person and take the lead on apologizing. Your husband and his family are lucky to have you.