[silentlyscreaming]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum, but I wasn't sure where I should post it.
I apologise in advance, because I know this is going to be a lengthy post, and I thank anyone who takes the time to read it, but I'm really scared for my safety, and I don't know how to handle the situation I'm finding myself in. I could really use some advice and support.
I'm 25, and I used to work as a manager in a department store. One of my employees/friend is married to a guy "X", and he is 42. He would come into the store to see his wife during her break, and he began to make sexually explicit comments to me. First he would tell me that I was beautiful, then he would say things like how much he would like to get me alone, and what he would like to do to me. I told him what he was saying was inappropriate, but that just seemed to encourage him.
Once I stopped working there, I saw him around quite a lot in a social setting, as I remained friends with his wife, but always made sure I was never alone with him.
About 4 or 5 months ago, I was woken up at 3am by someone knocking at my door. It was X. His eyes were all red, so I assumed he'd had a fight with his wife (as their marriage has been rocky), had a cry, and as I live really close, he came to me. Well i was dead wrong, he was drunk. I don't need to go into detail, but he hurt me in more ways than one that night.
He comes over 2 or 3 nights a week now, but I don't let him in. He knocks on my doors and windows for hours before eventually giving up and leaving. He's come over a few times during the day, and Ive opened the door, not thinking it could be him, and he pushes his way in.
He gets very violent, but only ever hits me on the back of the head, or in the stomach so I never have bruises to prove anything.
This morning when I woke up, I found a red rose in my screen door. I thought nothing of it, and went out and did the things I had to do. This afternoon, X turned up. He had more roses. I didn't let him in. He said that pretty girls should never get only one rose, but a dozen,. Then he pulled some scissors out of his pocket and cut the heads of all the roses, commented how they were the same colour as blood, wedged the stems in the door, then left.
I called the police and explained the situation, and all they could offer was an AVO. The problem with that is I know that won't stop him. He used to verbally harrass a co worker of mine. She took out an AVO, and all that did was %#@&#! him off. He vandalised her house and car. He didn't seem to care her husband was built like a bull. Everytime she reported the breach to the police, they said they couldn't prove it was him. I live alone, and don't want to risk making him angry.
I feel like the only option I have is to move, but I don't want to do that because I live in a good area, and I'm close to everything.
I haven't told anyone what's been happening until tonight, because I don't have any close friends or family. I haven't even told my T.
Thankx for taking the time to read all this, and any advice is more than welcome, because I am really, really scared.

[Perna]

Oh, that's so hard! I would maybe take a "vacation" and go somewhere else for as long as you can (rent a room at a YMCA or hospice/women's shelter), work to not be the "same" places as X and not let anyone who knows X "well" know where you are either.
If you own your house, can you rent it out for a year or something and use that to rent something elsewhere for a bit?

Maybe you could make friends with a realtor and put your house up for "sale" and make it look like you have moved already and get a "sold" sign, etc. all while you are elsewhere.

Or, in the immediate case, I'd make friends with neighbors so they can back you up and call the police while he is there "for hours" banging on your doors and windows. The police aren't going to ignore him if the neighborhood gets riled up :-) How long have you lived there?

You may in the end though have to decide whether your safety and peace of mind is worth more than your location and leave/move elsewhere.

[darkeyes]

Wow! Does your friend (his wife) know he keeps coming by you?
It may help if she does, you did say their marriage is rocky, she, in some indirect way may be able to go to the police and help convince them that he is a problem, and really is stalking you, etc.
It's so hard to believe the law(s) would allow someone like him to continue to harass you and others.
That stinks, and is not fair. See, if there is something more that you can do, you need to protect yourself from this deranged man. Sounds like the police there are useless, maybe if more than one person goes and talks with them, you'll get more serious attention?
I wish you lots of luck and safety with this matter.

[LizardL8y]

Ever think of getting a survelance system? Tape everything he does... grab a camcorder whenever he's banging on the door. Document everything he does and says with dates and times. Unfortunitly it sounds like your state doesn't have stalking laws.

What I'm wondering now... if he came into your house and "he hurt me in more ways than one that night" why didn't you go to the police then? I mean hindsight is always 20/20, but if someone physically harms you in ANY way they need to know... then they can build up a file. You need to get some good, solid proof of what he is doing because he is a real danger. And the advice of getting your neighbors involved sounds good. SOMEONE must know what is going on and see it or hear it.

Get a restraining order as well... that way if he violates it he is commiting a crime and can be prosecuted.

Best of luck, hon, I hope you can get rid of this guy. You shouldn't have to change your life because of him and you shouldn't have to live in fear over him.

[SeptemberMorn]

NO! NO! NO! Nobody would do that to me and get away with it from the very beginnin!

Did you tell his wife about his behavior at your place of work? Did you tell your boss?

If you haven't told his wife already now is the time to do that! The friendship isn't worth your safety!

Get yourself a can of maze and a "horn-in-a-can", the kind that you use like an aerosol can but can be heard for miles.

Call the cops IMMEDIATELY when he shows up at your door, with flowers or not! If you have to exagerate your fear, by golly, go for it!!

Scream, blow that horn, make as much noise as you can and draw attention to yourself and to HIM!

If he raped you, by golly, fill out a report!

Why has he gotten away with so much already???

I know it takes guts to do what I would do, but NO ONE is going to violate me and my boundaries like that!

[(JD)]

This is a common situation, unfortuantely, with ppl who's normal lifestyle if of abusing.

You have a lot of good suggestions in this thread already. Since you know his wife, I would advise her of his coming to your home unwelcomed, and that you are going to have to begin calling the police in the future. If you can't call her, then write her a short letter and take it over or mail it.

I must absolutely agree that YOU MUST CALL THE POLICE as soon as he shows up, regardless of anything. I wouldn't go into any long story of his actions otherwise until you are ready to do that (you can receive assistance through the police victims dept or the hospital rape center perhaps, and they can advise you on that.) OR you can call the police and file all those charges, of his assaults and stalking and nuisances.

BUT you must at least call the police and report a person lurking at your door. Don't even ask to be contacted, if you can't handle that... just let them scare him off time after time...that way THEY will take him in for loitering or such.(Or maybe public drunkeness.)

You have don't nothing wrong, and should act in your own best interest. But you do the best you can do for now.

(((hugs)))

[ECHOES]

Don't run away.

Press charges for harrassment or battery or rape or whatever applies. You don't have to prove it with bruises.

Tell him that every time he comes now you will call the police. Then do just that. Don't have any conversation with him; don't talk to him at all except to say "I am calling the police." Tell the police whatever you have to to get them to come and especially that you are afraid for your safety.

I don't know what an AVO is but it sounds like a restraining order. That is a very civil solution, but people like this aren't civil so it doesn't help as it should.

Is there someone who could come and stay with you while you get through this so you don't have to be alone?

Please let us know how you are

[youOme]

purchase a weapon to protect yourself. Take out the AVO, and try to live as normal as possible. Everytime he attempts to see you or communicate with you call the police, and if anything happened where your life was endangered, then protect yourself with the weapon. It is your right to survive if you're truly at risk. This is what I would do.

[SeptemberMorn]

If you get a weapon, you'd better license it and learn how to use it, then be prepared to live with the fact that you've killed someone.

I couldn't live with that knowledge, could you?

[silentlyscreaming]

Thank you sooo much for your awesome advice!!!!

I live in rural Australia, and the town's police station is only manned once or twice a week as the 2 police officers are responsible for several country towns and share the time between them, and the nearest 24hr police station is a 40 minute drive away.
Mace and other self defence things are not available in Australia, and like SeptemberMorn said, I couldn't live with myself if I seriously hurt him. If I was to harm in anyway, even if he was on my property and I was being attacked, I would be the one answering to the law, not him. We don't have solid trespass laws here like in the USA.
I've been considering talking to his wife about what has been happening, but I'm worried that she'll confront him and he'll just get angry.
I'm starting to think that moving is my only option.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and kind words.

[sabby]

I have a feeling his wife already knows of his abusive nature and is probably going through a lot of stuff herself with it. How about getting yourself a big toothy dog who barks at the slightest noise?? Let the dog answer the door. Cameras and video are a wonderful idea. Alarms are always a good thing too...on the doors and every window. Imagine his surprise when they start going off at 3am and wake the neighbors....and all the lights!!

I know it costs money to do all this, but your life and safety are priceless and well worth every penny!

The most important thing is to keep yourself safe. At this point, who cares what happens to him??? He is the abuser and needs to be held responsible for his actions. Document Document Document!!!

If you have a women's shelter to go to, then go there. They can help with where to turn and what to do. Going there is not "running away" it's KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE! Remember you won't be there forever, its a temporary thing until the situation is handled.

I wish you well dear.....please please please do what you have to do to stay safe.

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

[eskielover]

It sounds like in Australia, you don't have as many ways to protect yourself against crazy people like that as we do here in the US. It almost sounds like the only good options there are to protect yourself with a weapon. If it were me, the decision between my safety & harming him wouldn't be a question....no body messes with me....but since you couldn't deal with that, it sounds like your only other option is to move, making sure there are no tracks to follow you to where you are moving. It is sad that the police can't offer you better protection than that. It doesn't sound like there is any protection available that can even really offer you the protection you need to insure your safety.

Relocating & providing yourself with a new safe start would be the option I would choose. Sometimes, our own safety is more valuable than trying to stay in a house that can be replaced. Not knowing if you own your house or what that situation is....maybe you could rent it out, giving you a chance to leave. Unfortunately, I don't know if you have to disclose things like that to a renter, but I would feel horrible if I didn't, & the renter was harmed.

You are being abused by this man & it's wrong & shouldn't be allowed to happen, but sometimes the bad guys end up in control & we can't win. Only you know when you have arrived at that point when you have exhausted all posibilities for where you are living. Your life & safety is the most important thing of all, so do what you have to do to insure that, especially if you can't depend on the sheriff for protection.

Just my suggestion...& it's really sad because I don't believe in having to give up anything because someone forces me into a position like that, but I also believe in living a life that is free from fear & abuse.

Take care of yourself,
Debbie

[Doh2007]

Since your country or city won't protect you, you have to protect yourself. This guy's a psychopath.