Damn it

I have a gift too. I really have a gift. I used to top my science classes before I knew I am crazy. I used to top biology class without cheating before I knew I have memory loss. God damn it I knew I could be like Dr.Gregory House, or a real-life version of him.. Now, you're telling me I cannot be a doctor? Why, because my parents are delusional about the level of my competency? Do they have a ****ing idea of what I fight all day and night? Do they know their experiments made me disabled?



Now you're going to tell me I cannot be a doctor because I don't have the brains nor the hands? That despite being talented, hardworking, gifted, experienced and willing enough to be a doctor I cannot be one? Because my parents screwed up parenting? No you don't ****ing tell me that.

I wish I could feel emotions, and I would be crying now if I could.

From House MD,
"Because no one can take away from you what you no longer have."



Edit : They might as well as tell me I cannot do anything before my job interview, and that's considering I live. I don't want to live without medicine.

I'm sorry you could not chase your dream.. but don't give up yet.

My parents drain my confidence in a lot of ways. Mostly their attitude towards me, their method of treating me, their thinking towards me (Mom jokes that it was a "favor" I was born to her, to her side) and their occasional stupidity. They say very cruel things to me, like "A man that cannot sit properly is going to earn and feed himself" Mom told me today, why? Because my pant was in tension. She thinks it's my posture that tenses the pant, while the truth is I am getting fatter due to lack of activity, i.e., forced to be at home all day, unless it's college, which is very important, for that I should focus writing answers on a piece of paper. Isn't science education all about theory? What is a lab? Both of them call my a rural word for 'child' yet I am going to turn eighteen in five months. They force me to do household chores because I deep inside me know I will never be successful, because I have various conditions arising from early trauma and later bad parenting. And even if it is my posture it isn't something I can control, for ****'s sake they need to see a psychiatrist as well, yet I am the stupid one for having insight in me.

Mom has pseudo-insight in her, telling us that it a ghost which makes her hysterical. Did I mention my little sister? Oh, she is going to have a tough life as well... I sometimes wonder why I was born to such .... monsters?

I wish I could just die...


I don't know, really ,what to do. They drain my confidence, tell me to study, but since I've lost all hope, thanks to their confidence-draining attitude, I refuse to study, they get mad at me and tell me to do household chores, like making me change the mattress in bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I think it's really my fault, I shouldn't have tried to make other people feel better, I shouldn't even have thought of it. What's the use if I am getting crazier and crazier everyday because of their dementia? There will come a time when they think I am five years old and sing me lullaby to sleep, as it often occurs in dementia, where will I go then? They show symptoms of dementia, their thinking is getting illogical and illogical day by day.

I am scared. My doctor doesn't listen to me, and he's far away from my home. How can I live in this house of horrors?

Is it my fault I wanted to make people feel better? To end their suffering? Is it my fault? Why did I think of it in the first place... being born to demented parents isn't a nice thing.

Your parents sound horribly dysfunctional. I feel sorry your mother, father do their best to strip your self esteem, positive self image of yourself.

Hmmmm, Schizophrenia is somethimg people are born with & shows up in the later teen years. Usually it runs in the family & passed down through the generations. So what is your families history with this MH diagnosis. Do your parents have it as well? If so it is no more their fault for having it than it is yours.

Accepting the limitations that MI creates is never easy but neither is realizing that one's talents can limit oneself from achieving a dream also.

Just because we are good at something or make it our dream doesn't mean we actually have the ability to achieve it or compete with others more capable in REALITY.

These are all things I learned in college where competition IS REAL. I had to find a new career path as a junior in college & it was a huge change. Worth it....YES. It was something that I could be more successful at doing in the long run but a far cry from the dream.

I don't know, really, my pdoc never tells me... I am left only with uneducated guessing.

I always ask people for opinions. Some tell me I can, some tell me I shouldn't try, some tell me I never can. Then I try to ATTEMPT to achieve my dreams. But due to environmental factors, I doubt I can achieve anything. It confuses me.

It's really hard to follow your dreams, especially when nothing is right with you.

If I don't become a doctor, what else I can be, with a B.Sc degree? And if I cannot achieve my academic dream, why should I even bother to get a B.Sc degree?

Our childhood dreams are not always accurate to our actual capabiluties. They are more about wishful thinking. Most kids don't grow up to be what they dreamed in their childhood & it changes when their REAL capabilities are discovered & sometimes that discovery takes experimentation to find the right nitch for one's self. Then it depends on positions available when graduating.

It 's tough to know at the point you are at. Sometimes just taking classes & finding out what yiu actually can do will give you insight into the direction that may work with a degree.

"All or nothing" thinking will get you nowhere in life no matter what your past has been.

I am not good in maths so you can imagine how hard it is for me to be a chemist or a physicist. I can always be an organic chemist or a biochemist or a medical chemist but it'd be very, very hard as until PG level's final year you're not allowed to choose elective.
(i.e., second year of M.Sc) So I'll have to stick with maths, something which I am not very good at.

Remaining is the life scientist option. It reminds me that I could have been a doctor. That I will never be allowed to interact with patients or help people like me who are going through abuse. At least medically, not psychologically or legally. And that even if I become a successful life scientist, I will have to wait for decades 'till my research leads to some reward ....

I could have been life scientist but the chances of me doing worthy research in a respected research institute here are very slim.

I know by telling all this I am just making dead ends for myself and running around in circles.
"I can be a doctor! I should study for it ... <five hours, some crap happens due to parents, or things repeat in my head> I can never be a doctor. Better vent over the internet."

Honestly? Move out if things are that bad. There are plenty of doctors with mental AND physical disabilities. If I needed surgery, I wouldn't want a surgeon with shaky hands, but there are so many different types of doctors and you don't need to be "perfect" or some cookie cutter doctor. Look at Stephen Hawking, he never stopped following his passions despite his illness. It's the same with whatever passion you have, yours is to be a doctor. Why would I care if my doctor has a mental illness if she is great at what she does? I never saw the House show but I sure as hell know he's not right in the head and he sure as hell isn't perfect or some cookie cutter doctor, but he solves the issues in his own way because he's gifted, talented, and smart. You can be just like House, but you have to believe in yourself and know that no one will hold your hand and make decisions for you, if your life passion is to become a doctor than by god follow your dreams and don't let anyone undermine you or hinder that vision.

My God, LiteraryLark, I thank you for your words of encouragement.

I cannot move out as my parents refuse to have me live with relatives, they're crazy to say at least. But if I manage to secure a seat for MBBS in a govt medical college, I will officially and legally move out, living in a hostel, hence why I am re-considering becoming a doctor.


You think I can be like House? I will try my best... I do not know how to study, when to study, etc. but I think I will eventually come with a plan.

Again, thanks for your words of encouragement.


Although it's a bit different here, there are no laws for discrimination against mentally ill. So people still can ask me whether I am mentally ill or not and then choose to not be under my care. Stigma of mental illness is much worse here. People call psych meds "head pills" here.