[gaelen33]

I've spoken with several trauma survivors whose main barrier in moving on is their underlying belief that with acceptance and letting go, the impact/significance of the experience is undermined; They may feel that the intensity of their love or pain is cheapened. My interpretation is that because their identity is often tied to the experience, moving on can be experienced as a loss of self rather than growth and self love. Since this is entirely conjecture, I'm really curious to read other people's perspectives. I'm having trouble finding info or discussion of this online but I think it's because I don't know how to search correctly- I would appreciate help or insight into this phenomenon!

Be well

[ShadowGX]

I've thought about this too, like who would I be if my pain didn't dictate my life for me? Would I know how to live if I was without it? Am I complacent in my misery, afraid to be happy? Is there really any "getting over it"? Unlike with most things about myself, I don't know the answers to these questions, but I have considered them a lot.

[Quarter life]

For me, I don't think that there ever can be acceptance and letting go...Which is why my Psychiatrist spent over 10 years dismantling me, then re-building me into another different person altogether than the one who was severely traumatised. The former me still exists, but I rarely 'if ever' visit her these days.

[eskielover]

It had become my identity after it happened. It was all I could think about & all I seemed to be able to talk about. It also triggered my anorexia to relapse which landed me in the medical hospital at the same time my mom died of cancer. The hospital was my escape where I got cared for physically & psyc as my GP called in the staff pdoc & psycholigist to see me almost daily.....but it took years before I could process what happened.

I actually left & moved 2100 miles away to a totally new small town where I knew no one....trying to give myself a chance to start over. One T I saw said he was sure from what I told him that my life had more trauma piled up than the last one I recognized....it made sense....but being totally away from the environment I had lived in gave me a chance to focus on so much more in life than what I had gone through.....my identity became my new life & that trauma identity faded away as I was able to process my past life in a more peaceful setting. It has been freeing to have the past as processed & understood thoughts rather than present & constant anxiety.

We can get through & past it but it does take years of work & feeling like one is in a much safer place even if it us not 100% safe from past things hitting in the present. For me, not having to live in the environment 24/7 gave me relief breaks where healing could start to happen & so coukd letting go of the emotional pains I had lived with for so long probably because I knew I was creating a new life for myself.

[lizardlady]

I'm not sure if I understand what you are asking. Please excuse my answer if I missed your point.

For me past emotional/psych injuries are like a broken bone. The various bones I've broken in life healed, but they still sometimes ache. I broke my collarbone years ago. I no long have to use a sling to support the arm, but when the weather changes it hurts like a son-of-a-gun.

In terms of emotional injuries, it's not that I "accepted" or "let go," it's that the initial injury healed. Things can happen in my life that bring back memories of things that happened to me. Exposure to violence can bring up bad old feelings and memories, but I have grown and have ways of coping with those emotions now. The hurt has not completely gone away, but is a ghost of what it was.

I used to dissociate - a lot! - during my early healing I told my pdoc I was afraid of losing the ability because it had saved me. The ability to use it has not gone away, but I no longer need to use it because I have other ways of dealing with things.

I'm also integrated from DID. Those other versions of me are not gone. They are still inside me. I can "talk" to them if I need to. I can tap into their strengths if I need to. "I" still exist. I'm just a new version of me. I'm making a hash of this....

Let me try another analogy - when kids mature into adults they don't stop being who they are. They become a newer version of themselves. Life = growth. We all change throughout our lives. It doesn't mean you will stop being you. It just means you'll be a new version of you.

[Open Eyes]

My interpretation is that because their identity is often tied to the experience, moving on can be experienced as a loss of self rather than growth and self love

I don't think you are "off/wrong" when you say this because the truth is our history and challenges contribute a lot to who we are as a person. I think in the healing process a person will have to "grieve" whatever way they interpreted the world and themselves when they faced toxic/traumatic situations. We are designed to survive, to figure out how to thrive despite whatever "threats" we face in our environment as well as how our parents and families affect how we see ourselves and the world and how one might develop ways to detach or ignore or interact in unhealthy ways without even realizing they are doing so. I think the process of "healing" is recognizing one's own thinking patterns that can be unhealthy, and then "gradually" learning how to slowly develop better healthier ways of interacting when feeling challenged or afraid or threatened in some way.

[*Laurie*]

Years ago a very wise man who happened to be a Buddhist monk suggested to me that I not become loyal to my pain.
I took that very seriously.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Years ago a very wise man who happened to be a Buddhist monk suggested to me that I not become loyal to my pain.
I took that very seriously.

[Deejay14]

For a few years I let my csa rule my life while at the same time trying to mentally run from it. It really made me sick. I am no longer doing that a d I am so far removed from it now that I know I will have some hard day's, but nothing like it used to be. I am so much more than that abused child now. Life is so much better.

[splitimage]

I'm currently in an IOP program for addiction, and I'm learning a lot about myself. And the biggest thing I've learned is that I've got an iron death grip on traumas from my past, which results in me being stuck with a constant loop of negative thoughts that are keeping me from moving forward.

This is something I'm going to be working on with my new T.

splitimage

[Gus1234U]

there is an excellent book by a buddhist nun, who rose to become abbot of her community, in Nova Scotia, and has been writing and teaching for many decades (she's 80 yrs old, and in retreat for what's left of the year). it's called:
Start Where You ARE... and is about how to begin moving on... i recommend it highly, for anyone, versed in buddhism or not. she speaks in plain english.