Not knowing what I like /want (identity issue?)

I'm very confused in my life. I'm not sure what I like.
Tomorrow I'll have to answer a question about what's my favorite song lyrics in my class (English as a second language). The thing is I only rarely listen to music. I had to ask my friend to tell me what to say. She told me to choose Imagine and I'll do that as I have no opinion of my own.
I don't know what's my favorite food.
I don't have a favourite movie or series.
I read quite a lot of books but I don't know which one was the best or who my favourite character is....

I'm not really depressed, I actually have quite a good mood recently, I do things and I do enjoy them, it just seems it somehow isn't connected to my personality?
I don't know if I believe in God or not, I don't know if I want to be single or find a partner, I don't know wether I want children. I can't decide about anything...

It seems I've always been told what to do or want or that I put all my effort to be exactly the same as others that I actually have no passion or motivation of my own?

This is not a question of mood, it's more about something else, perhaps always needing guidance or external stimulus to do or like something? Waiting for my friend to tell me what's my favorite song because I don't know...

Does this make sense? Can anyone relate?

Well I grew up with my parents always telling me what to do, but at somepoint I rebelled. I wanted to prove I could make decisions on my own. That ended up going badly for the most part I didn't make good decisions, and frankly I still generally don't. But I'm learning through dbt how to make better decisions.

Some people just don't find 'favorites' easily. I'm one of them. I like a variety of food and music and entertainment. I don't find myself gravitating towards one special thing. I have preferences, and can pick out things I like from things I don't like, though. But it can take some thought to do that for some people, especially when complex trauma is involved. You're definitely not alone.

Hi Seeker. I think you might be on to something when you say that you've always been told what to do and what to want. I also wonder if this might be anxiety (social anxiety). What would happen if you went to your class tomorrow and were honest? What if you said "I don't listen to music often at all, so this was hard for me to answer." I'm curious to know why you didn't tell your teacher that this is a hard question for you? He / she could give you a different question to answer or even modify the question to "when you do listen to music, what song w/ lyrics do you listen to? (doesn't have to be a favorite)" Regardless of how you handle it tomorrow, I am sure doing the song your friend told you about will be ok too, if that's what you're comfortable with. But clearly, internally, you're not ok with this.

I'm not really sure if it makes complete sense to me, mainly because I haven't experienced it recently. But that doesn't mean your struggle with this issue isn't real. I do remember being a young adult and being VERY passive in my communication with others. I put their thoughts, needs, and desires before mine. Could that be what you may be dealing with? Does anything I'm saying strike a chord with you?

((((seeker))))

I relate a lot to your struggles. It's hard and not many people understand it... hang on

Hmmmm I was either never told what to think or I rebelled at such an early age my parents never bothered to try because it would only end up in a fight.

BUT even with that I like so many different things I really don't have favorites though there are a few things I like better than others most things are basically created equal in my mind

There are some things I will stand up & fight against but there has to be something that causes me to feel that passionate about it. Most times I just let a lot slide because it really doesn't matter to me. However if something crosses over my boundaries there is no doubt that those around know when it has happened & I don't like what happened.

I find most everything has it's good points though I do have values that for me are non-negotiable but they are things important to my well being.....anything else...not important.

Yes there are too many of things we can decide what is the best. a person could like many many different things in different subjects. Too much variety as someone said.

sort of
my problem is that my goal in life is just to be " happy and content"

however, I have no idea what will make me feel like that- and it makes it tough

also lack of experiences play a big role in not knowing a lot of stuff I like, I guess

Exactly this!!! I have no ambitions, no goals in life, all I want to achieve is living with as little stress as possible. I personally would love to live alone in the mountains with only internet connection and basic standard of living (water, electricity etc). I would be absolutely happy living like that for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately we have to live in society to go work... :-(

living in the mountains... sounds very ideal

or on an island in the middle of an ocean

I always thought it would be cool to have a whole island to myself

and then people wonder why I don't want to live until an age like 80

I don't want to live until an age like 80, because to be quite honest, I feel like I'm done here and their's nothing more for me, and I'm only 30

no one wants to wonder through life not knowing what comes next

You're reading my mind! I'm 30 too and I never understood why people want to live forever or to 100. I'm not suicidal or anything at the moment, I just wouldn't mind if I suddenly died today. I would only be afraid of slow dieing, loss of dignity... But not of losing my life.

Heh, we are almost the same age and I have the same problem.

I just don't care about anything that much. Not even things that are stupid to care about, like video games or tv shows. I go through life pretending to have some kind of passion, or trying to convince myself to be interested in things.

Living in the mountains with basic necessities is something I'd like to do. My partner bought a house and we are living together, we should be married but that hasn't happened because we are so bad at managing life. We are not out in the moutains on a nice size property as we'd wanted, but we are pretty close to that ideal. At least, having property is a step closer.

When did your disinterest in things/lack of motivation start? Was it always like that, truly?

As a kid I was very passionate, strong-willed, independent, determined, etc. and experience beat it out of me over the years until seeking solitude, comfort and stability has become a core drive over impressing my personality on the world.

Somewhere I internalized the expectation that my desires and plans will only lead to misery and disappointment. As a youth, I never had a concrete vision of the future, but put everything I had into the present, believing whatever came would work out. That didn't bear out well, so next I tried a carefully concieved, well-thought, and far-reaching plan. I completed that, and it didn't work out, either.

Now I just want to hide. I have no clue what I'm supposed to care about. I don't have children, I left my career recently, I'm not a big family person, I have no singular interest I obsess over.

Trying to trace my motivations, I realize it sucks all my energy to avoid being screwed over, or navigate life in any way that is fair or just. Those failures really sting, for some reason - I don't know how others brush it off so easily. You have to fight so hard to do anything - even seeminly simple things - and I just don't want to be a part of all that anymore.

I don't want to participate in this farcical economy, delusional society, maniacal political climate, but I don't have the intelligence or means or fortitude to fix anything, even in some small measure to satisfaction. I don't have a central, inborn sense of purpose or destiny to carry me through. My thresholds of tolerance and endurance have dropped so low, and routine tasks require too much of my emotional resources to complete.

Now that we have a house, I never want to leave it. It is my oasis. I would never set foot off the property if it weren't for the demands of others. It makes me feel guilty and uneasy how every moment I get to spend there is a precious gift that is going to be snatched from me with the next obligation.

Well, that was probably more than anyone needed to hear.

I can relate to the OP and for me think it may have stemmed from having experienced emotional neglect - in particular lack of validation and lack of interest or support for my personal development.

it just seems it somehow isn't connected to my personality?

this resonates for me.
in a different way, I am valued for my ability to multi-task and organise - but that isn't connected to my personality at all, in fact it's a dissociative pattern.

I think it's fine to ask your friend what is your favourite song. That's a superficial question anyway.

Being connected is about noticing what resonates for me at any given time... and sometimes that requires a commitment to gentleness and deep listening/ compassion. I hear from many different people that they struggle with this.

It looks like you've been spying on me and writing about my life lol :-)
However you're lucky to have a partner and a house, I don't even have that.

Gosh this is interesting. 2 years ago I decided to move to the mountains. Practical stuff stopped me. But having been forced to stay in the city, I learned some stuff about relating.

I love the peace of being in mountains, or on cliffs, or in small villages. But I'm not sure if I would have felt any better there - because other people can be uninspiring wherever you are.

What you wrote above made me think hard about the energy that life struggles take and feeling depleted. Being burnt out.

I asked someone whether going off on my own was constructive and she said why not, but methinks that I will feel burnt out and insecure anywhere right now.

THANK YOU Someusername - your post has lit light bulbs in my brain!!

just a small quote for a big deep thinking: "Trying to trace my motivations, I realize it sucks all my energy to avoid being screwed over, or navigate life in any way that is fair or just. Those failures really sting, for some reason - I don't know how others brush it off so easily. You have to fight so hard to do anything - even seeminly simple things - and I just don't want to be a part of all that anymore."